The Legend of Mike Motherf**king Carp

According to Jim Bouton’s epic masterpiece Ball Four, the great Ted Williams used to motivate himself in the batting cage by shouting, “I’m Ted Motherf**king Williams!” with each prodigious hack.

If that story holds true, then I have a suggestion for the newly-recalled Mike Carp: walk into the Mariners’ clubhouse, shove Chone Figgins to the ground, grab a handful of meat and cheese from the pregame spread and eat it, shove Figgins back down to the ground because he just got up, then announce to your teammates, “Remember me? I’m Mike Motherf**king Carp.”

Mike Carp is a freakin’ superhero. The man has put up numbers that boggle the mind at Triple-A Tacoma this year, all while his big league brethren have flailed around at the dish.

Just look at a brief sampling of Carp’s offensive statistics:

-On the season, Carp is batting .350 with 19 home runs, 58 RBI, and a 1.069 OPS.

-Over his past ten games, he’s hitting .500 with six home runs, 18 RBI, and an absurd 1.453 OPS. Oh yeah, and that includes his most recent game, which was cut short by the fact that he was promoted to the big league club. In that game, he went 0-1. So really, save for one at-bat, he’s actually amassed those numbers in nine games.

-On Monday, Carp went 4-6, hit two home runs, drove in seven runs, scored four times, and drew a walk for good measure. The night before that, he went 3-5, hit a solo home run, scored four runs, drew a walk, and stole a base. Two nights prior to that? How ’bout 4-6, a home run, three RBI, and three runs scored.

The numbers speak for themselves, but numbers are boring so I’ll speak on Carp’s behalf. The dude has been an absolute pimp this year. He’s been deserving of a call-up for weeks and finally — FINALLY — the M’s did what they had to do on Tuesday night by promoting their outfielder-first baseman and demoting the equally-pimpish Mike Wilson (goodbye, Mike, you will be missed).

But let’s not kid ourselves, here. Carp has been fantastic, yes, but finding a place for him to play at the big league level will be a challenge for Mariners’ manager Eric Wedge.

The 24-year-old Carp is capable of playing left field and first base, and of course he could very well see time in the DH role. Still, though, he’ll be firmly entrenched in a time share situation with the myriad of players who already inhabit those three positions.

And make no mistake about it. Carp needs to play every day. Not should play every day. Needs to. The Mariners can’t afford to sit around and waste this torrential hot streak their new addition is currently on. It’s up to Wedge to get Carp into the lineup any way he possibly can.

At the end of the day, however, Carp will need to prove he’s capable of capitalizing on the opportunities he has, however limited or generous they may be. Fact is, there isn’t much use for a guy with a minimal defensive skill set, who lacks foot speed, and isn’t hitting. Unless Carp can showcase his bat — which is really the only standout asset he possesses — he’ll quickly find himself back in Tacoma and likely branded with the dreaded Quad-A label.

Frankly, I’m not worried. In 91 career big league at-bats, Carp has a .264 batting average and a .762 OPS. Those are Herculean digits when compared to most guys wearing the Northwest Green. Chone Figgins, for one, would kill for those numbers.

And on top of that, he’s the ginger Babe Ruth, making him quite possibly the greatest red-haired player of all-time. You can’t really mess with status like that.

Ruth and the aforementioned Williams aside, though, it’s important that we keep things in perspective. This is a young guy who has spent…ah, f**k it. This is Mike Motherf**king Carp. Rip sh*t up, dude. Welcome back to the bigs.

3 thoughts on “The Legend of Mike Motherf**king Carp”

  1. Great stuff Alex. I love that Brian Scalabrine has changed his name and started playing baseball. He just never got a fair shake in the NBA. I hope that he moves to the DH position permanently. Cust is not the answer. And Halman should be our everyday LF’er.

    You should do an article about that guy. Now there’s a pimp.

  2. “because he got back up” Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one reading your articles and that you’re personally writing for my entertainment. *tear in eye*

    “I hope that he moves to the DH position permanently. Cust is not the answer. And Halman should be our everyday LF’er.”

    Preach on Dylan

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