Donkey Watch: Day 1

In order to keep things fresh and lively around these parts, I’d like to introduce a new segment entitled Donkey Watch.

Donkey Watch is a daily, in-depth look at Seattle Mariners third baseman Chone Figgins, also known as Donkey from Shrek.

Because we’re on a mission to get Figgins to Japan (much like the jettisoning of Kenji Johjima a few years ago, which essentially saved the team from having to cut their losses, rid themselves of a dispensable player, and pay out a hefty severance), we figured we’d do our neighbors to the east a favor and give them an insider’s perspective on their future superstar.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really have a plan for Donkey Watch. It’s bound to be ludicrous, and we’ll just see where the wind takes us. If you have any tips on Donkey’s doings for the day, feel free to email them my way, or hit me up on on Facebook or Twitter.

Without further ado…

Donkey Watch: Day 1, May 30, 2011

It was a disappointing day for Donkey.

The team’s two-hole hitter for the past thirteen months, Donkey was dropped to eighth in the batting order on Monday. Sadly, Nicole Zaloumis was never around during Donkey’s tenure to ask him what he thought of hitting in that second slot.

The move down the lineup didn’t seem to help Donkey all that much. At no point was he able to hoof out a hit, going 0-3 on the afternoon and slumping to 0-for-his-last-20. According to Abraham Lincoln, 20 is also called a score. Which means Donkey is 0-for-his-last-score. We will now start measuring Donkey’s level of futility not in couples, fews, or dozens, but in scores.

On the season, Donkey’s batting average sits at a pack mule-esque .193. If .200 is The Mendoza Line (named after former Mariners shortstop Mario Mendoza), then we’ll call .190 The Donkey Line.

To make matters worse, Donkey committed a fielding error at third base, putting to bed the notion that his glove outweighs his lack of a bat.

There were a few bright spots for Donkey, however. Manager Eric Wedge mentioned that Donkey’s lineup migration was only temporary. And Donkey himself remained rather upbeat in spite of the circumstances, stating post-game, “My confidence level, it’s always high.”

There’s no doubting how high you must be to believe that, Donkey.

We close today’s Donkey Watch with an inspirational quote that comes courtesy Donkey from Shrek: “And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin’ outta my butt that day!”

3 thoughts on “Donkey Watch: Day 1”

  1. I’d rather they just stick him on the bench and let him pinch run ala Luis Ugueto. If Donkey Watch successfully gets Donkey shipped to Japan, then I’m afraid it would end Norm’s pint deal. And my wallet sure enjoyed spending just $1.90 for a pint of delicious microbrew. Hell, we’re already paying the guy, we might as well get drunk for cheap while he sucks it up at the plate.

  2. I have to admit, if Donkey were to leave it would a) end Norm’s beer deal, which is tragic, and b) end Donkey Watch, also tragic.

    That said, I’ve always had this idea which I feel Major League Baseball could benefit from. I call it the Entertainment Value List. It’s like the Disabled List, except it’s for guys who aren’t hurt, don’t play, and are on the payroll solely for entertainment value.

    The EVL would allow teams to sign guys like Jose Canseco, for instance, and have them kicking around for publicity stunts. It would also come in handy when you wanted to cut a player, but didn’t want to have to pay him his salary only to see him sign with another club and get good again. So to combat that, you could just stash him on the EVL for the duration of his contract.

    Figgins would be the perfect EVL player. He’d earn his money, wouldn’t play, wouldn’t have the opportunity to screw us by going to another squad, and would still be the butt of our jokes because of his affiliation with the club. I would also advise Norm’s to permanently cap beer prices at whatever Figgins’ average was when he went on the EVL.

    Someone send this to Bud Selig. Thanks.

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