Because writing an actual article would be overkill, slash because I’m lazy, I give you a chronology of thirty (yes, 30) tweets I vomited onto The Twitter during the first round of the 2011 NFL Draft.
If you’d like more of this mindless chatter, feel free to follow @alexssn (that’s me) and stay up-to-date on all the things that no one really cares about.
Without further ado…
2. How many other people’s spank banks you think Cam Newton’s seen by jacking all those computers? #Hella
5. Heard from a scout that Blaine Gabbert’s balls weren’t big enough to warrant getting picked over Jake Locker.
9. My buddy John: “Prince Amukamara looks like he brought the dancers from ‘Coming to America’ to the green room.” #Arsenio
11. The #Browns just drafted the guy who writes the back page articles for SI. Epic fail.
12. I’d like to hear an analyst say they like the guy who was just drafted cuz they created him on Madden and upped his values to 99. #Win
16. Oh God, they’re saying this Carpenter fellow is a “reach”. Last time I heard that w/ one of my teams, the #Sonics drafted Mouhamed Sene.
17. The only positive with Andy Dalton is that he plays Chef Bobby Flay on TV, so clearly he knows a thing or two about cooking. #Throwdown
18. The nice thing about James Carpenter is he’s really big.
19. I’m a better analyst than the real analysts.
20. Stop being rational. That’s not your role. RT @JasonPuckettKJR Wait before you become disappointed. Hawks biggest weakness is OL.
23. I’ve heard the term “bookend” used to describe Carpenter. Most bookends are 8″ high and weigh roughly one pound. Erroneous description.
24. I’d like to meet Jon Gruden so he can get excited about me.
25. If you combine James Carpenter and Mark Ingram, former Bama teammates, you get James Ingram. #JustOnce
26. Best name in the #NFLDraft: Muhammad Wilkerson. Almost as good as Osama bin Smith.
27. This has to be a record for most Cameron’s ever selected in a draft, let alone 1st rd. My brother’s name is Cameron. Hell of a WR at age 12.
29. Now that the first round of the #NFLDraft is over, Mel Kiper is only 6 horcruxes away from death.
(I just hashtagged “Boobs” in case you wanted to search the term in the Twitterworld. You’re welcome.)