Because it’s already a boring-ass season. And you’ll actually read this…even though it’s about the Mariners.

The Rotation

Felix Hernandez, Million Dollar Baby

Oscar-worthy in every sense.

Michael Pineda, Avatar

The script is slightly unpolished, but you can look past that; the visual effects blow you away.

Jason Vargas, Major League II

On at times, off at times…the one thing you can’t deny: it has its moments.

Doug Fister, Major League III

Like Vargas, but with even more inconsistency.

Erik Bedard, Titanic

Face it. We’re looking at a sinking ship.

Around The Diamond

Miguel Olivo, Back To The Future II

Wait a minute…haven’t we seen this before?

Chris Gimenez, Anything with Kevin Bacon

This has average written all over it.

Justin Smoak, The Hangover

Most of us expected this level of greatness, though not everyone was sold. That being said, we’re only in the second scene of this flick and it already looks epic.

Adam Kennedy, Mean Girls

Soooooo much better than you initially thought it’d be.

Jack Wilson, Pirates of the Caribbean

Come on. I had to. Arrrrr.

Luis Rodriguez, Rudy

He tries so damn hard. You can’t help but root for him.

Brendan Ryan, Madea Goes To Jail

We’re getting tired of this sh*t. When’s it gonna stop? When can we get something better?

Chone Figgins, Battlefield Earth

Ridiculous investment. Huge expectations. Absolute, unadulterated dud.

(And yes, I realize that Shrek would have been the easy choice. But Shrek was a good film. Even if Chone does look like Donkey.)

The Outfield

Milton Bradley, Alice In Wonderland

All. Kinds. Of. Crazy.

Ryan Langerhans, The Proposal

Didn’t think you’d like it. Walked away with a little half-smile on your face.

Michael Saunders, Star Wars

You’re sitting there waiting for it to take off. You’ve heard good things. You know it has potential. But it’s really biding its time in the early going. Take off already!

Ichiro, The Naked Gun

You can’t deny it’s a little quirky, a little off at times. But damn if it doesn’t have some of the greatest moments you’ve ever paid witness to.

The Designated Hitter

Jack Cust, Vanilla Sky

You weren’t expecting much. And yet somehow, this is actually worse than you expected.

The Bullpen

Aaron Laffey, Song of the South

Just so freakin’ whimsical. Mr. Bluebird’s hovering over his shoulder. And he may or may not have a black uncle named Remus.

Brandon League, The Ring

An adequate thriller. Start to finish, you never quite feel comfortable.

David Pauley, You’ve Got Mail

You know, I didn’t really want to watch it. But frankly, it wasn’t so bad.

Chris Ray, The Towering Inferno

One of the best disasters of all-time.

Tom Wilhelmsen, Half Baked

Too easy.

Jamey Wright, On Golden Pond

A story about old people surviving and sh*t. And doing it with remarkable aplomb, I might add.

The Injured

David Aardsma, 50 First Dates

You happen to be flipping through channels and can’t find anything better on basic cable. So you end up sitting there, numbing your brain, thinking, Yeah, this will do for now.

Franklin Gutierrez, Inception

A little f**ked up in the middle.

Players that weren’t mentioned in this article because they’re too irrelevant to care about

Dan Cortes

Josh Lueke

Shawn Kelley

Adam Moore

Nate Robertson