Status Update

Because there isn’t always enough room on Facebook or Twitter to tell an entire story.

If you could hire a mildly-successful-but-currently-washed-up band to play your wedding at an affordable rate, would you do it? I would, and I’d hire Hanson. Then, I’d make them cover Bruce Hornsby all night.

“Look, bro. We don’t even know Bruce Hornsby. How are we supposed to cover him?”

“Don’t ask questions! This is my wedding! I’m paying you $20 an hour to be here! You’ll play what I tell you to play!”

I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t you just hire Bruce Hornsby? Well, for one thing, I’d wager he’s more expensive for events like this. We’re working on a budget here.

Plus, there’s the whole appeal factor. Hornsby’s not nearly as recognizable or exciting as Hanson. He just isn’t. Hanson could walk into a room and everyone would be like, “Holy crap! How does this guy know Hanson?” Whereas with Hornsby, the only people who’d be impressed would be churchgoers over age 50. That’s not a knock on the guy. I still like his music. But I’m weird. And I get that. So it’d have to be Hanson.

Speaking of musical groups past their prime, I’ve gotten around to thinking that if you’re trying to get laid and you can’t find the right line to make the magic happen, quote 98 Degrees. Just do it. It’s worth a shot. If nothing else, it’ll make the person you’re with nostalgic. Don’t underestimate the power of nostalgia. I sometimes wear Polo Sport simply because of the nostalgia factor. “Oh my God! He smells like my first kiss back in middle school!” Hell yeah, girl.

98 Degrees lyrics are potent. I’m talking Travis Henry potent. It’s almost unfair how potent they are when compared to other boy band lyrics. Check this real quick. With minimal effort, here’s what I can do with My Everything:

“Look baby, I know we’ve been seeing each other for a while, and I just want to tell you that my life is yours alone. I’ve been in relationships before and all, but yours is truly the only love I’ve ever known. And I just want you to know that when I’m down, when I’m just not feeling it, your spirit pulls me through. When nothing else will do. Really, I guess what I’m trying to say, is…you’re my everything.”

Boom. Sex.

Don’t thank me. Thank Nick and Drew Lachey and those two other guys. They’re the real heroes here.

Off the top of my head, here are three of the coolest movie scenes in the history of the world:

1. The scene in Back to the Future II when the second version of Marty from the future realizes he must drop sandbags on Biff’s gang to prevent these dudes from harming the first version of Marty from the future, who is at that moment playing Johnny B. Goode on stage at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance following the all-important kiss between his future parents, George McFly and Lorraine Baines. This epiphany by Second Version of Marty not only saves the life of First Version of Marty, it preserves temporal sanctity for the entire effing universe. Epic.

2. The penultimate scene of Love & Basketball. If you’ve seen the movie, you know it by heart. It’s the uber-climactic ending to a sports fanatic’s love story. Everything works to perfection. The hoop action, the slow motion game-winner, the line (“Hey…double or nothin’.”), the reaction, the tears, the embrace. If you can watch that scene and not feel something, you’re not human. It’s that freakin’ good.

3. The Power Line concert scene from A Goofy Movie. Here’s a visual. Because I love you guys. Now go do The Perfect Cast.

5 thoughts on “Status Update”

  1. Ok beside the fact that this article has absolutely nothing to do with sports, here is something that is worth mentioning. Brandon Roy, former UW basketball player, helped with a comeback for the Portland Trailblazers in the NBA Playoffs against the Dallas Mavericks. Here is a video of the game and how amazing Brandon Roy is. Need I say more?

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