For example, today I was playing pickup basketball when a dude that I don’t really know all that well kept fouling me. Every shot I took, he’d run beneath me, undercutting my follow-through so that I landed awkwardly. It’s one of the dirtiest moves in sports. You just don’t undercut people on the basketball court. It’s like hitting below the belt in boxing. It’s a no-no.
It’s not just that he was fouling me today that bugged me. This was the second week in a row that dude had performed these annoyingly dangerous little tactics. I had asked him to stop last week and he didn’t. So this week I didn’t ask him. I just hit him. And I told him never to do it again. Sometimes you just gotta hit people. Let that be a lesson, kids: Always keep it real.
Fact is, I don’t like this guy. He could shake my hand and tell me he’s sorry and I still probably wouldn’t like him. I really hope that every time he walks outside, a condor flies overhead and sh*ts on him. I don’t want horribly bad things to happen to him. Just little, sucky things like that. I can only imagine how sucky getting sh*t on by a condor must be.
Which brings us to Clay Bennett.
(And yes, to be clear, I am lumping the dick that fouled me repeatedly in with Clay Bennett. I dislike him that much. He’s a borderline terrorist.)
Clay Bennett, as you may have heard, was appointed head of the NBA’s relocation committee on Friday by commissioner David Stern. This is essentially like being named head of al Qaeda’s flee-to-the-hills-of-Pakistan committee by Osama bin Laden.
“Uh, okay, so we moving then? To hills of Pakistan? Is that right?”
“I don’t know, ask Clay Bennett, he big boss now.”
(Read with Pakistani accent, for the record.)
Now if you know me, you know I’m big on analogies. Analogizing situations allows one to put things into perspective in a more comprehensible way. So here’s the first analogy that came to my mind when I heard this news.
(Bear with me if this analogy doesn’t float your boat right away. It’ll all tie back together in the end.)
If you’re like me, you read all the Harry Potter books (or, at the very least, saw all the movies). And as you were reading these books, there were points in the story when you became angry. You became angry because grave injustices were being perpetuated upon Harry and his friends. And the story was so well-written that the feeling of helplessness in the face of adversity and malfeasance was transferred unto you, the reader, when, say, Dolores Umbridge was named High Inquisitor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, for instance.
On Friday, when I heard about Clay, I immediately thought of Dolores Umbridge. Dolores Umbridge and her role as High Inquisitor. Because her circumstances and Clay’s are basically one in the same. Umbridge was a deceptive bitch who was granted near-totalitarian control by an evil regime; Bennett is a deceptive dick who was likewise granted near-totalitarian control by an evil regime. Holy crap! Twins.
If you haven’t read the books yet, then you might not know how this ends. But really, you’ve had plenty of time. So I’ll go ahead and tell you what happens anyway.
In the fifth installment of the Harry Potter series, Umbridge is relieved of her duties as High Inquisitor when she badmouths a group of forest-dwelling centaurs who carry her off into the woods and likely sodomize her.
(The part about sodomy was added by me. We never really find out what happens to Umbridge after the centaurs get a hold of her, though she does resurface alive and well in the seventh and final installment of Harry Potter. But come on. They’re primitive horse-men. What else would they do with her?)
I certainly don’t want to make assumptions or anything, but is there any chance that Bennett ends up better off than Umbridge when all this relocating comes to a halt? I would wager that no, there is not. He may not get kidnapped by centaurs, but he’ll probably go the way of Voldemort and get blown up by a teenaged wizard or something. That said, if you or someone you know has the number for a group of vigilante half-humans/half-broncos, please don’t hesitate to pass it along.
In all seriousness, this appointment is almost laughable. One can hardly fathom a more serendipitous aligning of the stars than this. The king of shady franchise migration named head of the Shady Franchise Migration committee? It’s a match made in heaven.
Long story short, it all boils down to this:
David Stern is evil. Clay Bennett is evil. You want to just hit both of ’em square in the jaw but you can’t and it blows. They keep fouling, keep undercutting, keep irking you to the point of snapping, but unlike me and dude on the basketball court, there’s nothing you can do about it.
The fact that Bennett has swallowed so much of Stern’s seed over the years probably qualifies him for this all-empowering promotion-of-sorts, but it’s still sucky. There’s no other way to put it. It’s just sucky.
Like getting sh*t on by a condor.
Watch out for big birds, Clay.