I’ll admit I’ve been holding back. There are a lot of things in this world that I think are stupid. I don’t always comment on ’em. Why do that, right? We all have our pet peeves. No need to air our own dirty laundry. But now it’s time to let it all out.
Note the logo to your left. That’s the logo of an upstart group called Fire Nintendo, flipped on its ass and graffitied with a red X. It’s a beacon of hope for all of us who value creative ingenuity and intelligence. Why, you ask? Great question. Let’s roll.
A few months back, this little group called Fire Nintendo made it their mission to fire Nintendo. Makes sense, right? It’s right there in the title.
More specifically, the group wanted to fire Nintendo from owning the Mariners. Well, that doesn’t make much sense. Firing the owner of a privately held corporation is as plausible as selecting Zangief as your brawler of choice on Street Fighter II. Because every kid in America wants to kick some CPU ass with an ugly, hairy Communist.
Fire Nintendo became the rallying cry of a dozen or so people and seemed like a good idea when it was created. Problem is, the Fire Nintendo contingent a) has no plan, b) has no solution, c) isn’t very creative or, you know, interesting, and d) has targeted Chuck Armstrong and Howard Lincoln as their ideal representation of Nintendo.
Now I think we can all agree that Chuck Armstrong and Howard Lincoln haven’t been very good at their jobs the past few years. There’s no getting around that. But why launch a misguided smear campaign on the entire effing ownership group?! How ’bout you go after the villains, instead? Don’t beat around the bush. If you want Chuck and Howard fired, then direct your attention there and leave the paycheck-signer out of this.
Think about it. If you get bad service at the Apple store, you’re probably not gonna go on a vigilante mission for Steve Jobs’ head. You might write a letter, you might ask to speak to the manager, but trying to take down the entire company?! This probably won’t end well.
And on top of that, Nintendo has not been a terrible owner. Yeah, I get it, the main man (Hiroshi Yamauchi) isn’t very visible. But is that such a bad thing? He’s still better than the majority of sports franchise owners out there because he doesn’t meddle. He tells his minions to get the supplies, while he sits back and funds the party. Here’s my Discover card. Just get it done. I got this.
The man is a sugar daddy! Everyone loves a sugar daddy! Except Fire Nintendo. And I don’t get that. I don’t get the biting of the hand that feeds when the dude hasn’t done anything wrong. Yeah, he could probably do a better job of making sure Howard and Chuck aren’t picking up Mickey’s when he asked for Red Hook. But come on. Is that really grounds for selling the team? During the most economically critical era of our generation, no less?
Here’s the thing. Here’s why I’m sick of Fire Nintendo. They’re just not very good at what they’re doing. And if you’re going to embark on a voyage like this one, you better be good at it. Because you’re misrepresenting an entire fan base with your ignorance, and it’s no good.
Look, I’m just like you. I want Chuck and Howard out, too. But it can be done better. And by targeting Nintendo, rather than the main culprits, you’re not doing it right. You have to be appealing in some way, shape, or form. Right now, there’s very little that’s appealing about Fire Nintendo. They’re like Raccoon Mario. How disappointing is that guy? Just give me the f**kin’ fireballs already. I didn’t jump up and head-butt that box for a rodent’s tail. I want an assault weapon. I want balls of flaming heat that I can kill things with.
You want Chuck gone? You want Howard gone? Then start listing replacements for both of them. Make us see the light at the end of the tunnel. Give us a solution. You can’t just keep reiterating the problem and expect it to solve itself. That’s not the way the world works.
You want Nintendo to notice you? Start doing more than posting smiley faces and stale facts on your Twitter account. Write letters, write articles, poke fun, be humorous, be enticing. Do something that people can latch on to. Get creative. Make us want to be a part of what you’re doing. Or else don’t do it.
Don’t patronize. You guys once told me you wanted to help me get my name out there and “make it”. I’m still waiting on that. I just don’t know how I’m gonna make it without you.
And last but not least, stop picking on the hydros, you jerks. What have the hydros done that was so wrong? Like bringing a healthy dose of entertainment to the fifth and/or sixth innings of ballgames for the past two decades is a crime or something. You think Chuck and Howard give a sh*t about the hydros? No. So why they gotta get lumped in together like that? Maybe back off the hydros a bit and I’ll back off your asses a little. I don’t know, we can probably work something out. Or maybe not. I’ll just have to see how I feel about it.
You wanna fire Nintendo? Fire your mom first.
Here’s to the Hire Nintendo campaign. The only campaign dedicated to shining a light on the fallacies of Fire Nintendo.