Two years ago, I wrote up a comprehensive preview on 950 KJR’s (Bigger) Dance. It was in-depth, wordy, and fairly popular for how long and drawn out it was. I broke down every matchup in extreme detail, showcasing my knowledge of attractive women and doing my very best to help my readers to victory in everyone’s favorite office pool. Overall, I give it a D-minus. Certainly not my best work, though the photos were worthwhile.
This year, I figured I’d take another crack at it. But in fewer words and with some help. Try to bump the level of quality up to a more satisfactory range.
A firm believer in the power of the opposite sex in this annual celebration of the feminine figure, I enlisted the help of three females in previewing this year’s field. Special thanks go out to Kalisa Beyer, Charmin Flojo, and Zareen Rahman for helping me put this thing together. In addition to their commentary throughout, take a look at their respective Final Fours and champions at the end of the article.
Without further ado, on to the preview…
Region 1: Cranberry
Eva Mendes vs. Dianna Agron
Rule No. 1 in the (Bigger) Dance: If the masses don’t recognize a name, they won’t vote for the girl. Hence, while Dianna Agron is a fairly attractive newcomer from Glee, she stands little chance against a vet like Eva Mendes. Winner: Mendes.
Cameron Diaz vs. Keeley Hazell
Shawn Kemp has Cameron Diaz winning it all in his bracket. I hate to break it to you, Reign Man, but Diaz has no chance of going the distance and little chance of thwarting Keeley Hazell. Who is brought to you today by the number 32 and the letter F. Kind of like Sesame Street. But not really. Winner: Hazell.
Katy Perry vs. Amy Adams
Katy Perry is “huge right now” has “really got it all going for her,” according to one of our expert insiders. This same insider (Zareen) has Perry going all the way. Another insider (Charmin) says Perry is “absolutely gorgeous” and “has a nice, natural rack.” Nice, natural racks are my FAVORITE racks! Winner: Perry.
Scarlett Johansson vs. Sandra Bullock
The battle of women who have fellated Ryan Reynolds (he’s come a long way since Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place…good for him) ends with Bullock’s opening-round exit. Winner: Johansson.
Megan Fox vs. Anna Faris
It’s hard to pick against a University of Washington alum like Anna Faris, but this is Megan Fox we’re talking about here. The Mrs. Brian Austin Green. Winner: Fox.
Elin Nordegren vs. Olivia Wilde
Olivia Wilde is pretty hot, but Elin Nordegren has the whole sympathy thing working in her favor, plus she’s an available woman these days. In addition, Nordegren has that veteran savvy you can’t coach in a tournament like this. Winner: Nordegren.
Anne Hathaway vs. Emma Stone
Anne Hathaway’s star is fading, but luckily for her, no one knows who Emma Stone (Superbad) is. Should be a cake walk for Hathaway. Winner: Hathaway.
Rihanna vs. Tiger’s Girlfriend
Let’s not waste any page space. Winner: Rihanna.
Region 2: Black Cherry (heh…but seriously, folks)
Beyonce Knowles vs. Lea Michele
Lea Michele is smokin’ hot. But then again, so is Beyonce. Plus, Beyonce has that all-important name recognition. Winner: Beyonce.
Chelsea Handler vs. Bar Refaeli
Does anyone else think Chelsea Handler looks like a fifty-year-old trying her hardest to look thirty? Because I do. That said, she’s funny. But this isn’t Last Comic Standing, so… Winner: Refaeli.
Miley Cyrus vs. Kim Kardashian
Jennifer Lopez vs. Halle Berry
How can you pick against either one of these cagey veterans? Our insiders are decidedly split on this matchup, and I’ll admit I’ve gone back and forth on my decision. In the end, though, everyone wants to see an instant Ass Classic in the second round between J-Lo and Kardashian. That’s enough to sway me. Winner: Lopez.
Kaley Cuoco vs. Minka Kelly
Two lesser-known entities in The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco taking on Mrs. Derek Jeter, Minka Kelly. Kelly’s appeal from her Friday Night Lights days should be more than enough to help her overtake her competition. Winner: Kelly.
Kourtney Kardashian vs. Olivia Munn
It’s kind of amazing that the only married Kardashian sister (Khloe) didn’t even make the field. I mean, yeah, she does look like Chyna and all. But at least she’ll be spared from a first-round exit. Unlike Kourtney. Winner: Munn.
Blake Lively vs. Keri Hilson
It’s a shock that Keri Hilson even made the field. If there was a First Four, Hilson would be a part of that. This should be an absolute massacre. Winner: Lively.
Taylor Swift vs. Selena Gomez
First of all, Selena Gomez is like 15 years old and dating Justin Bieber. Instant fail. Taylor Swift, on the other hand, has the female population in her back pocket. “You have to go with talent on this one,” points out Zareen. “And therefore, Taylor Swift is clearly the winner.” Done. Winner: Swift.
Region 3: Limeade
Irina Shayk vs. Reese Witherspoon
Irinia Shayk is super sexy. But again…name recognition. Reese Witherspoon might not have the same pizazz that her opponent possesses, but she’s fundamentally sound. Winner: Witherspoon.
Jessica Alba vs. Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer Hudson? Really? I didn’t know we were allowing Division II entrants in this field. Winner: Alba.
Jessica Biel vs. Ana Ivanovic
Ana Ivanovic may have the sports background, but Jessica Biel is a perennial favorite. Winner: Biel.
Brooke Burke vs. Eva Longoria
Two of our insiders (Charmin and Zareen) have Eva Longoria reaching the Final Four. Apparently, Skechers Shape-Ups haven’t done for Brooke Burke what they did for Kim Kardashian. Winner: Longoria.
Kendra Wilkinson vs. Sofia Vergara
Hey, Kendra. How’s that marriage to Hank Baskett working out? Winner: Vergara.
Danica Patrick vs. Erin Andrews
If I could have a long-term, committed relationship with any of these 64 women, I would pick Erin Andrews. Without a doubt. Zero questions asked. Winner: Andrews.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Lady Gaga
One, this is Brooklyn Decker’s year. Two, Lady Gaga is rumored to be a hermaphrodite, which in layman’s terms means she is kind of a dude. Winner: Decker.
Britney Spears vs. Malin Akerman
I’m gonna put my money on everyone harboring memories of Britney from a decade ago and do the unthinkable with my pick. Winner: Spears.
Region 4: Blueberry
Lucy Pinder vs. Gwyneth Paltrow
I’m pretty sure Lucy Pinder’s breasts are bigger than Gwyneth Paltrow. All of Gwyneth Paltrow. Winner: Pinder.
Vanessa Hudgens vs. Ashley Greene
There are naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens floating around the internet. Plus, she dated Zac Efron. And that automatically locks up the female vote. Winner: Hudgens.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Carrie Underwood
An absolute nail-biter that will likely go down to the wire, my heart said Jennifer Aniston, but my head had its doubts. “You can’t really top Jennifer Aniston,” said Zareen. “Plus, there’s the whole ‘feeling bad for her because she’s still single’ factor.” Added Charmin, “Three-quarters of America has probably seen Aniston’s backside already…it looks good.” Good enough for me. Winner: Aniston.
Mila Kunis vs. Charissa Thompson
I don’t even know who Charissa Thompson is. Winner: Kunis.
Arianny Celeste vs. Marissa Miller
I don’t even know who Arianny Celeste is. Winner: Miller.
Kate Middleton vs. Yvonne Strahovski
Kate Middleton has bad teeth. Winner: Strahovski.
Rebecca Haarlow vs. Natalie Portman
Rebecca Haarlow? Really? She’s a homeless man’s Erin Andrews. Winner: Portman.
Amanda Seyfried vs. Jenn Sterger
Jenn Sterger deserves to win simply for having to endure the image of Brett Favre’s shriveled, gray manhood on her phone. Winner: Sterger.
Eva Mendes vs. Keeley Hazell
Where has Eva Mendes been the past few years, anyway? I feel like I haven’t seen her since Hitch. Hazell, meanwhile, was in her own homemade porno. You have to appreciate the entrepreneurship of the amateur film-maker. Winner: Hazell.
Katy Perry vs. Scarlett Johansson
A year ago, we would have had Johansson in a landslide. This year, it’s a different story. By virtue of the W, Katy Perry needs to leave Russell Brand for Ryan Reynolds now. Winner: Perry.
Megan Fox vs. Elin Nordegren
So long as Fox can outlast Nordegren’s rough play, she’s got this in the bag. Winner: Fox.
Anne Hathaway vs. Rihanna
Rihanna is hot right now, but Hathaway is classic cool. She’ll pull the upset here. Winner: Hathaway.
Beyonce Knowles vs. Bar Refaeli
Refaeli has that Butler-esque potential that you just can’t pick against. Winner: Refaeli.
Kim Kardashian vs. Jennifer Lopez
The “Battle of the Butts” as one insider has dubbed it, Kalisa goes on to point out that Lopez’s longevity might give her the upper hand here. I tend to disagree, however. And in case you have any doubts, allow me to show you this again:
Minka Kelly vs. Olivia Munn
I don’t like the Yankees, but I have to respect a winning tradition. Mrs. Derek Jeter moves on. Winner: Kelly.
Blake Lively vs. Taylor Swift
The star of Gossip Girl versus America’s lyrical sweetheart might divide the female voters. Rest assured, however, that the men will recognize that true beauty has a more plentiful chest. Winner: Lively.
Reese Witherspoon vs. Jessica Alba
Witherspoon only made it this far because she played the Duquesne of opponents in the first round. Name recognition got her one victory, but the Cinderella story stops here. Winner: Alba.
Jessica Biel vs. Eva Longoria
Our Bigger Dance historian (Kalisa) highlights this matchup as the must-watch contest of the second round. With two newly-single ladies who have fared historically well in past tournament’s squaring off, she gives the edge to “pint-sized Latin firecracker” Longoria. I tend to think that Tony Parker’s dis on Eva will be just enough to keep her focus off the hardwood and open the door for Biel. Either way, it’ll be close. Winner: Biel.
Sofia Vergara vs. Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews is the only woman who I can’t seem to pick against. Every year I believe in her. Every year she lets me down. And yes, Sofia Vergara has a wonderful bosom. But damn it, I can’t defy my one true love. Winner: Andrews.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Britney Spears
Did I mention this is Decker’s year? Winner: Decker.
Lucy Pinder vs. Vanessa Hudgens
Even Zac Efron would motorboat the hell out of Lucy Pinder. Winner: Pinder.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Mila Kunis
Keep in mind that, while hot, Mila Kunis is still the voice of Meg on Family Guy. Aniston, meanwhile, was Rachel from Friends. Advantage, Rachel. Winner: Aniston.
Marissa Miller vs. Yvonne Strahovski
This may be the blowout of the second round. Notice I said “blowout” and not what you may have accidentally misread. Winner: Miller.
Natalie Portman vs. Jenn Sterger
Pictures of Favre’s dick will only take you so far. Winner: Portman.
THIRD ROUND (Sweet Sixteen)
Keeley Hazell vs. Katy Perry
Now it’s getting serious. For all the love that two of our three insiders have for Perry, I can’t ignore Hazell’s past successes in this tournament, as well as her on-ball ability. Winner: Hazell.
Megan Fox vs. Anne Hathaway
Both these girls need to eat more. They were hotter when they weren’t suffering from Mary-Kate-and-Ashley-Olsenitis. That said, Fox’s star is still just slightly brighter. Winner: Fox.
Bar Refaeli vs. Kim Kardashian
No denying that Refaeli is the favorite here. That said, I really, really like Kim K. Superstar. (And yes, that is indeed a reference to the how-to video Kim made with Ray-J. Every woman needs to watch that film. It’s a tutorial.) Winner: Kardashian.
Minka Kelly vs. Blake Lively
Think of Mrs. Derek Jeter as Derek Jeter and think of Blake Lively as a ground ball to Jeter’s left. Ground balls to Jeter’s left are his natural enemy. Sure, he makes a lot of nice back-handed plays to his right. But have you ever seen him do anything to his left? No. Winner: Lively.
Jessica Alba vs. Jessica Biel
This isn’t even fair. A bout between recent champions in the Sweet Sixteen? Unheard of. I wish I could pick both, but in the infamous words of Softy Mahler, you can only have one. I have to go with my ethnic side and take the more exotic hottie in this one. Winner: Alba.
Erin Andrews vs. Brooklyn Decker
I love you, Erin. Please forgive me. But this is Brooklyn Decker’s year. Winner: Decker.
Lucy Pinder vs. Jennifer Aniston
Lucy Pinder is 27. Jennifer Aniston is 42. Think about that. Pinder’s breasts are fifteen years younger than Aniston’s. (This is the weird sh*t that goes through my mind.) Winner: Pinder.
Marisa Miller vs. Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman is cute in that girl-next-door sort of way. If Marisa Miller lived next door to you, however, you’d have to check in with your doctor every four hours. Winner: Miller.
FOURTH ROUND (Elite Eight)
Keeley Hazell vs. Megan Fox
Can I just say it, finally? Megan Fox looks like she’s on all sorts of drugs and the barrage of tattoos have done her no favors. She lost all her curves, too. What a disappointment. Come on, girl. Winner: Hazell.
Kim Kardashian vs. Blake Lively
Look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I am totally and wholeheartedly voting with my dick on this one. Winner: Kardashian.
Jessica Alba vs. Brooklyn Decker
THIS IS BROOKLYN DECKER’S YEAR!!! Winner: Decker.
Lucy Pinder vs. Marisa Miller
Frankly, there isn’t enough room for the upper bodies of both Pinder and Hazell in the Final Four. It’s an occupancy issue, really. Winner: Miller.
FIFTH ROUND (Final Four)
Keeley Hazell vs. Kim Kardashian
This is where experience and coaching really take over. Kardashian has raw talent on the hardwood. We’ve all seen the game tape. No denying her expertise. Hazell has that critical X-Factor however: Size up front. Winner: Hazell.
Brooklyn Decker vs. Marisa Miller
This cannot be understated enough. It is Brooklyn Decker’s year. Winner: Decker.
SIXTH ROUND (Championship)
Keeley Hazell vs. Brooklyn Decker
One more time, in case I haven’t made it clear enough: Brooklyn. Decker’s. Year.
Your 2011 Queen of the Hardwood: Brooklyn Decker.
How our expert insiders picked…
Insider No. 1: Kalisa Beyer
Final Four: Keeley Hazell, Lucy Pinder, Brooklyn Decker, Blake Lively
Queen of the Hardwood: Keeley Hazell
Insider No. 2: Charmin Flojo
Final Four: Megan Fox, Kim Kardashian, Eva Longoria, Mila Kunis
Queen of the Hardwood: Kim Kardashian
Insider No. 3: Zareen Rahman
Final Four: Katy Perry, Halle Berry, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Aniston
Queen of the Hardwood: Katy Perry