Dear Mariners: You Suck Too Much To Be Pricks

In case you missed it, Chone Figgins (or as I call him, Donkey From Shrek) got a little upset with the media following the Mariners’ 2-1 loss to Cleveland on Saturday night. As much fun as Figgy could be if he was voiced by Eddie Murphy and hung out with ogres, he’s not much fun when he’s acting like a dickhead to people who are simply doing their jobs. And therein lies the problem.

Figgins’ attitude towards the media is a microcosm of the Mariners’ issues right now. Yes, this team is frustrated. Yes, this team is upset. But good lord, we’re one week into the freakin’ season. If you’re acting like this now, how’s it gonna be in August when the team is 75 games out of first and debating whether your multi-million dollar contracts are even worth it anymore?

And for God’s sake, who do you people think you are? If you want the media to stop asking “dumb questions,” then start winning some games. It’s that simple. You suck at your jobs right now. Isn’t it natural for people to want to know why you suck? Plus, you’re getting paid a lot of money to suck. That doesn’t seem very fair. Most of us don’t suck and simultaneously don’t get paid sh*t. Yet here you are raking in the dough and doing sucky work. That just blows. There’s really no other way to put it. It blows.

It’s one thing if you’re a poor mean person. Okay, whatever bum, I guess if you want to be jerk you have every right to be. The world is out to get you, I understand. But come on! Millionaires should not be acting like this. Not in public, at least.

Sorry, Chone. No one’s getting Figgy with your ‘tude. You need to shove it and stop being a little bitch. The world could care less about your problems. Just answer the f**king questions and quit being a dick about it.

And don’t kid yourself. You’re being a DICK. D-I-C-K. You haven’t done anything since you came to Seattle a year ago and our rope is getting awfully short with you. You don’t need to add fuel to the fire by being disrespectful. Maybe get the bat off your shoulder and do something with it. Ever thought about that? It’s not just there as a body ornament. It does serve a purpose. Oh, and on a side note, can you get in a real stance at the plate, please? You look like a starving child up there at the dish. At least try to strike some fear into a pitcher’s heart. I feel like if the umpire poked you in the belly, you’d giggle and start jizzing over dinner rolls or something. Nothin’ says lovin’ like my toaster strudels! Tee-hee!

I’m making a scapegoat out of you, Chone. But please, feel free to tell your teammates that they shouldn’t be acting like this either. You’re the messenger. Please follow through with that delivery.

You’re a professional athlete. You make tons of money. You play a game for a career. You get to have sex with beautiful women who are willing to overlook the gap between your teeth and play with your junk because of your bank account. I can only imagine how empowering all of that must be. Especially the part about the fornication.

Long story short, you suck too much right now to be a prick. So do your teammates. Give it a rest and go play baseball.

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