As a paid member of the sports media, you have one task: watch sports often enough to speak knowledgeably about it. That is it. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have a tough job like clowns (“I need you to put all this makeup on, along with this ridiculous outfit, then go babysit these kids for the next hour!”), or lion tamers (“I need you to make sure this lion doesn’t kill anyone!”), or even burger-flippers (“I need you to make sure these burgers don’t burn, taste great, and make it safely onto these here buns!”). No, your job is the dream of every sports-loving American ever. So when you suck at it, you deserve to have your ass reamed by punks like me.
I’m talking to you East Coast media. You no-talent ass-clowns, you. Is it so hard to watch sports and talk about them? Huh? Is it? Because I know MILLIONS of Americans that would like to kick you to the curb and take your duties from you. And there have to be hundreds of thousands of us that are capable of doing it, too. Your complacency astounds me and it’s an insult to every sports fan in this great nation of ours.
You know what I’m talking about, of course. What I’m talking about is an annual microcosm of your regional arrogance, and it’s taking shape right now. I can sum it up in four words: The Big East Conference.
“Oh, the Big East, the Big East, look at the Big East, it’s such a great conference, everyone who plays there is so amazing. Oh my God, Ben Hansbrough, what a f**king stud, Notre Dame, what a great team. Eleven teams in the tournament isn’t enough, everyone deserves to get in, I can’t believe we had to whittle it down to eleven, it’s so unfortunate…”
F**k you, and f**k your East Coast Bias.
As the NCAA Tournament is currently proving, the Big East sucks. Eleven teams in and seven have already been bounced? That’s suckdom. It’s not just that the Big East isn’t as good as you idiots made it out to be, it’s that it’s flat-out not good.
Look here, East Coast media. Just because you can’t stay up to watch a West Coast college basketball game doesn’t mean your precious East Coast teams are any better than anyone out here in the land of freedom. It’s always such a shock to you when any team that plays left of the Mississippi does anything come March because, let’s face it, you had no idea they existed. You just didn’t. You can make all the excuses you want to, but that’s basically it. You failed to do your job and you’re trying to cover your ass so you can remain employed a little longer. We’ve all done it before. Most of us don’t do it on a national stage, however.
Here’s the thing. By not doing your job, you’re letting down sports fans the world around. It sounds kind of ridiculous, and it is. But at the same time, it’s true. We were led to believe (by you) that the Big East Conference was this almighty powerhouse collection of teams, when it fact that couldn’t be farther from the truth. We’ve been led to believe that for years. And for years, it hasn’t held up. You’re no better than terrorists, spreading propaganda and lies like that. Communists, more or less. And somebody needs to take you down.
If you’re an East Coast biased member of the sports media, you need to get hit by a bus. Or at the very least have your credentials revoked. You shouldn’t get the opportunity to be a talking head, and no one should let you near a computer…unless it’s to do research. But let’s be honest, you never do any research.
You treat your job the way I used to treat college exams. Throw enough sh*t at the wall and eventually some of it will stick. Yeah, that’s fine when you’re trying to impress pretentious douchebag T.A.’s, but it doesn’t pass the average sports fan’s B.S. meter. We know you don’t stay up past 10:00 p.m. to watch West Coast contests. We know you don’t use Google to look up information on players outside your immediate regional quadrant. We know you’re a lot dumber than you look. You’re a disgrace to journalism, to media as a whole, and to the spirit of the sports fanatic.
Of course, the one positive we can all take away from this is the simple fact that you will never read this article. So we’re good there, at least.