If you don’t believe me, check the internet. There’s evidence all over the web. A Google search of “Kevin O’Neill dick” returns 17,600,000 results. SEVENTEEN-MILLION! By contrast, a Google search of “Alex Akita dick” only returns 1,310,000 results. Clearly, he’s seventeen times worse than me as a human being.
Oh, and for safety’s sake, don’t click through to Google Images on either of those searches. Probably not a good idea.
Secondly, Kevin O’Neill is not that good of a basketball coach. He just isn’t. Some people think he is, but those people are idiots.
Surprisingly, colleges and universities all across America continue to hire him for no apparent reason. Why? What’s the point? He hasn’t been much of a winner anywhere, so why bring him on board?
The dude is the ultimate stopgap coach. He’s like the A.J. Feeley or the Kevin Millwood of the coaching ranks. You need someone to keep the seat warm? Try Kevin O’Neill. He’s really good at that.
Thirdly, O’Neill is the least sexy coach in the NCAA. I mean look at him. Just look at him. How’s he supposed to sell a kid on the pizazz of a college program when he resembles a tenured high school math teacher? His hair quit on him over a decade ago and he has yet to fire it. His suits are straight cardboard. His spectacles look like they came off the clearance rack at Sears. Do us all a favor and at least act like you woke up this morning and gave a sh*t. This is the Pacific-10 Conference. Christ.
Fourthly, the man has burned his bridges everywhere he’s been. Everywhere. Fans and players alike have deemed him abusive and abrasive. His past employers haven’t exactly given him glowing endorsements. He’s cancerous. And yet he’s been left to spread malignant from sea to shining sea.
Fifthly, this. And pay special attention to the part about how he met his wife. DICK.
You’re probably wondering where all this venom is coming from. Well if you’ve made it this far, I should probably explain. Here goes.
O’Neill and his USC Trojans just lost to VCU in the quote-unquote opening round of the NCAA Tournament. The Commonwealth of f**king Virginia. What is this? 1890? Commonwealth? Let’s frickin’ evolve, VCU. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, VCU is garbage. SORRY, BUT THEY ARE. And yet a Kevin O’Neill-led ballclub just lost to that trashy team and only managed to put up 46 points in the process. Forty-six f**kin’ points. What the f**k is that? Banish them to the juco ranks for that performance. That’s an absolute joke. Jimmer outscored their whole team. Jimmer would have beaten you tonight, O’Neill. By himself. And yet you still have a job.
I don’t even like USC. But this is pathetic. I actually feel bad for the Trojan fan base. Kevin O’Neill is like a sh*ttier Tyrone Willingham. Talk about ultimate hopelessness. Best-case scenario with O’Neill is a trip to the Big Dance in which your team will get to tango with an ugly chick who rejects your half-hearted attempts at drunken sex when the night is over. “I’m sorry, I can’t have sex with you. I have to put on my PJs, eat ice cream, and watch Gilmore Girls.” F**k. Well, at least you tried.
I don’t get it. O’Neill has zero appeal. He’s Paul Reiser in a sitcom. WHY DO YOU KEEP LETTING HIM RUIN SH*T?! It’s almost worse that there are people out there still affording him opportunities. Like buying your kid a new car after he totaled the last one. What the hell are you expecting to happen? The track record is completely unstable.
Way to go, O’Neill. You’ve represented the Pac-10 in a miserable, miserable light. You’re a jerk for doing so and I think you need to go work in middle management at a retail chain somewhere. At least your attitude for prickishness will be embraced there.
That’s all. I don’t even have a good close for this thing.
Kevin O’Neill sucks. There. Done.