Here’s A Boring-Ass Article On The Boring-Ass Mariners

A lot of people think the Mariners might suck this year, and chances are they’re probably right. But you know what, there’s no way to tell how sucky this team may be until the season plays out, which leaves a big gaping hole of doubt right now.

That said, the one thing we do know about your 2011 Seattle Mariners is that they’re currently boring as sh*t. That might even be an understatement. They’re the equivalent of Stephen Hawking reading the nutrition facts off a box of bran flakes while you watch C-Span and wear beige. It’s that mind-numbingly bad.

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time — one week ago, to be exact — I tried to write an article on this year’s M’s. I sat down and couldn’t do it. Not at all. Being the diligent professional that I am, I went back and took another stab at it the following day. And failed once again. In fact, I’ve been trying to write something about this team for the past seven freakin’ days and I can’t do it. Because there are no story lines there. No exciting story lines, at least.

This team is straight Quaker Oats. No sugar, no milk, no fruit garnish, nothing. Blah.

You wanna hear about Jack Cust? Okay, think of everything you’ve ever heard about Russell Branyan. Now go younger. That’s Jack Cust.

You wanna hear about Brendan Ryan? Brendan Ryan is a more spry, more youthful Jack Wilson. Boom. Done.

How ’bout Adam Kennedy? Seems exciting, right? Dude got a DUI, used to be a top prospect a decade-and-a-half ago. No. We’ve already forgotten about him and his transgressions. Now he’s just another snooze-fest.

Chris Ray? I mean, come on. The dude’s name is Chris Ray.

Miguel Olivo? You don’t give a damn about Olivo. You didn’t give a damn about Olivo the first time he was here, though if you did give a damn about him, it’s only because you booed his ass every time you went to the ballpark. He’s the wrong kind of intriguing.

Face it, this ballclub is bland. I bet the promotions department is having a tough time trying to come up with bobbleheads for these guys, and you know how good they are with bobbleheads. Who the hell wants an Olivo bobblehead, anyway? Maybe if it doubles as a voodoo doll or something. Personally, I think they need to come up with a bobblehead for the green hydro. Now I’m not really sure how they’ll make the head bobble, or what the head will even look like, but that’s about the only bobblehead I’d consider buying a ticket for. The green hydro is money. This team is not.

Even our prospects are, you know, slightly less than compelling. Dustin Ackley? Does he get you fired up? If he does, allow me to introduce you to pornography and that will all change. It’s not like I don’t think he can’t be a great player, or that I have something against him. For instance — and I’m going to digress with an oft-used analogy here — the missionary position is really effective, and you’ll probably enjoy having sex that way. But you know, if you just tuuuuurn that girl around then go to work, you’ll have even more fun. And it’s still effective on top of that. You can still make babies that way, believe it or not. Frankly, Ackley’s the missionary position of prospects, while a dude like Stephen Strasburg, for example, is reverse cowgirl. That’s all I’m saying.

I don’t know, M’s fans. Let’s try not to get down on this team just yet. But at the same time, let’s not expect too much. It’s like an Ashton Kutcher movie. If you’re forced to go see the flick, you’ll try and keep your absolute disdain for the dude at arm’s length. In all honesty, though, your expectations will be ridiculously low and Kutcher will still probably fail to meet them.

And that, loyal readers, is the best I can do with the Mariners.

Believe Small.

16 thoughts on “Here’s A Boring-Ass Article On The Boring-Ass Mariners”

  1. I just wanted to say my roommate eats plain Quaker Oats. What does this say about my roommate?!! Mostly I just wanted people to feel sorry for me because my roommate is that bad.

    PS Ichiro still rocks

  2. Those chicks are like 5’s so it hardly counts. Unless you abide by the logic that 2 5’s equal a 10.

  3. The chick on the right has a tattoo close enough to her vagina that you know she’s done some freaky things in the past. Extra half-point for her.

  4. Well, when you consider the fact that Hawkins can barely blink and breathe on his own any more its remarkable he gets any girls at all. Those two aren’t smart enough to be enjoying his company for the intellectual stimulation, they are there for the exact reasons Alex said. Fame and Power, aka money.

  5. That’s a good question. Can Hawking swim? I seriously doubt it. But I bet if you stuck his ass under water for long enough, he’d figure out some way to time travel out of there. So maybe it’s a good idea. This will help him find that inevitable wormhole so we can Back to the Future our way around the timeline.

  6. Thank you, sir. I’m pretty tired right now, which generally lends itself to my most awkward ideas.

    But please, let’s continue the comment thread, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t be shy. People wanna hear what you have to say…

  7. Personally I prefer missionary to doggie style. But regular cowgirl is the best. Maybe Bryce Harper is regular cowgirl.

  8. I think the Mariner season will be more interesting this year. We are going to go young early so at least we will be seeing something new most of the season. The last few years of old broke dick players running out a final contract has been horrible. There could be glimpses of a young core of players who might take us somewhere in 2013. Plus there is the ticking time bomb of Wedge and Bradley….. Mariner fans might actually see a manager kill a player in the dug out with his bare hands.

  9. i wouldnt even count those two girls as 5’s, id give the one on the left a 3 and the one on the right 3.5 because of the tattoo, average that out you get 3.25 so he doesnt have to much to work with, now that is speaking for the ordinary man. stephen hawkings may be able to do some crazy things with women, things us regular men could never think up. so who knows

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