You want to call a sports radio station but you need help. Thankfully, you’ve got me. I’m an expert on this sort of thing. Not because I call sports radio stations myself. But because I listen. And listening, as any girl will tell you, is the key.
That’s why I’ve created this step-by-step guide to helping you make that all-important call to voice your opinion on something that, frankly, most people probably don’t care about it. But that’s beside the point. The point is, you’ve been dying to pick up that phone and hear your voice on the airwaves. I’m here to make it easier for you. Let’s go.
Step 1: Tell the call screener that he/she has a sexy voice.
It doesn’t hurt to butter up the person in charge of putting you through to the host. “Hey sexy, you sound hot,” should suffice. In this day and age, it doesn’t really matter if this person is of the opposite gender or not. Most attractive people with sexy voices are used to both homo- and heterosexual attention. Just let it rip. You’ll see immediate results.
For added effect, breathe heavily.
Step 2: If you have to wait more than a minute or two to get on the air, hang up and dial again. Repeat as necessary.
Don’t they know who you are? You’re Jeff from Puyallup. F**kin’ right, you are. No one makes Jeff from Puyallup wait to voice Jeff from Puyallup’s opinion.
Now call right back.
Ask the call screener if he or she knows who he or she is speaking with. Now ask him or her if he or she knows how long you’ve been waiting. Too long, that’s how long. Put me back on hold now, beyotch.
Don’t forget Step 1, though. Demand results, but make sure to tell your call screener that his or her voice is super sexy. Good work. Keep it up.
Step 3: Wish your host a good day at least two or three times.
When you finally get through and the host calls your name, be sure to issue as many salutations as you possibly can. That really sets the tone for the rest of the call.
“Uh, hi there, uh…hey, this is, uh, Jeff from Puyallup…and, uh, how’s your day going today?”
Perfect. You’ve got it down pat.
Make sure to say “uh” a lot, too.
Step 4: Preface your point with an anecdote about your own life.
Your life is absolutely fascinating. Between working a job that allows you to call into sports radio stations during the day, beating off to loads and loads of pornography, and Facebook-stalking sports personalities, you might just lead the most fascinating life in the history of livelihood. Go ahead and tell the listening audience a fun story about your life right from the get-go.
“Long-time listener, first-time caller…and, uh, well I just gotta tell you something. The other day I was at the mall and I saw Ichiro shopping for jeans, and I was thinking to myself, ‘That’s ridiculous! Ichiro shops for jeans, too!’ And uh, yeah, so then I, uh, I shook his hand and had him autograph my beanie and, uh…well, uh…well…okay, so basically I just wanted to call and ask you about the Huskies…”
You left out the part about Ichiro running away and you chasing after him. But save that for the next call, that’s good stuff.
Step 5: When in doubt, just keep talking.
Sometimes the conversation will take an awkward turn. Instead of letting the host get a word in, it’s best if you just keep talking. This is your fifteen seconds of fame. Milk it like an impregnated cow.
But what to talk about, you ask? You’ve already made your point about the hometown nine sucking balls, there’s really nothing left to say, right? Wrong.
When in doubt, just narrate the scene around you. I’ve always found that makes for great dialogue. Bonus points if you can transition from your topic to this random scene narration without taking a breath.
“So Felix should definitely win the Cy Young and there’s this chick walking past me right now with an amazing rack. I mean, holy crap, that thing is glorious.”
Even with a sixteen-second delay, I don’t know if a radio producer will catch that and be able to get rid of it in time. You should be golden.
Step 6: When the host undoubtedly refutes your logic, either a) yell at said host, b) stutter a lot, or c) all of the above.
Host: “So, Jeff, what you’re telling me is you think the Sonics would be better off never returning to Seattle. Is that what you’re saying?”
You: (Thinking. Processing. Thinking some more. Re-processing.) “Uhhh…n-no. You dick.”
Step 7: Assert your dominance by refusing to hang up.
This is your moment. At least six or seven people are listening to you right now. At least. And damn it, they need to know how right you are. NEED TO!
Never give up. Never relent. Never back down.
Hosts don’t cut you off. You cut off hosts. Don’t just make your point. Hammer it home like you’re John Freakin’ Henry.
So what if your story is going nowhere. Some of the best stories in the world never went anywhere. You think Shakespeare had a plan? Hell no. That guy was on all sorts of drugs. Fact is, you can ramble your ass off and still be better than the next guy. Like writing a college term paper. Lots of fluff, lots of B.S., lots of moxie.
Remember, you’re a pro. Even if you don’t know it yet, you’re a pro. It takes a ballsy individual to call a radio station. When you pick up that phone and punch in those numbers, you’re not just doing it for you, you’re not just doing it for the average sports fan, you’re doing it for America and for the world. Think about that.
You’re ready, champ. Go get ’em.