Top 11: Things I Thought About Super Bowl XLV

You’re probably wondering why you should read this two days after the Super Bowl. That’s a good question for which I have no answer. But I’ll tell you this, if you read this and you let me know you read it, I will hug you the next time I see you. So consider that when choosing whether or not to forge ahead.

11. Fergie was just yelling.

SHE WAS JUST YELLING!

That was not singing. Not by any culture’s definition. Not at all.

Let’s ask ourselves this question: Has Fergie thrown in the towel on her career? My answer is yes, she has. I have reasons to support my claim:

a. She’s made millions of dollars already. So there’s that.

b. She’s married to Tad Hamilton. And she didn’t even have to win a date.

c. She’s already embarked on a solo career and returned to the group. It’s like she’s just doing a big-ass favor for those three gay guys she hangs out with.

d. Her career peaked on Kids Incorporated. It’s been downhill ever since. There’s video evidence below. Note the presence of a “Love Hewitt” on this program, as well. Man. I bet Kenny Ford got so much future-celebrity ass backstage. Not Richard Shoff though. No one likes Richard Shoff.

10. Aaron Rodgers is the next Tom Brady.

Not because he’s a great quarterback. Because he’s on the cusp of being that so-damn-likable, about-to-date-a-supermodel A-lister that we all love to hate.

I hate Aaron Rodgers. I mean, I will hate him. Not now. But in a year or two. When he grows his hair out and starts pimping Stetson.

9. What the f**k was Byron Leftwich listening to all game?!

Someone commented on my Facebook status about this very subject in an attempt to answer my question. The anonymous commenter mentioned that Leftwich was listening to assistant coaches or something. The anonymous commenter then went and deleted their own comment when I mentioned that Leftwich was probably listening to Soul Decision. So we really have no resolution on Leftwich’s aural sex at this point.

Faded was a great song.

8. Allen Strange was in one ad. Francis’s best friend from Malcolm in the Middle was in another ad.

I will repeat.

Allen Strange was in one ad.

Francis’s best friend from Malcolm in the Middle was in another ad.

HOW DID NO ONE ELSE NOTICE THIS?

7. Flagging someone for excessive celebration in the Super Bowl is such a dick move.

Seriously. If a ref is going to throw a flag for a player “going to his knees” (since when did going to one’s knees induce a penalty, anyway?), then that very same ref should be kicked in the nuts every time he celebrates anything. Ever.

Birth of your first grandchild? Kicked in the nuts.

Just won the Lotto? Kicked in the nuts.

Found out your daughter wasn’t knocked up by that guy you hate? Kicked in the nuts.

If you’re going to start flagging people for being happy, then you don’t get to be happy either. End of discussion.

6. That Bridgestone “Reply All” commercial was my favorite.

When you send a hundred or so emails each day to people, as I do, the whole “Reply All” thing becomes frighteningly hilarious.

Accidentally hitting “Reply All” is akin to having sex without a condom, then failing to pull out. There. I said it. If you’ve ever been in either of these situations, you know the ghastly nature of both.

Which is why this particular ad hit the nail on the frickin’ head. Good work, Bridgestone.

But I probably won’t be buying your tires.

5. Sean Suisham’s missed field goal was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never seen anything worse than that. Not ever in my entire life. Not just field goals, either. I’m talking about everything. Osama bin Laden grimaced when Suisham kicked that ball. That’s how horribly, horribly bad it was.

Somewhere, Jeff Reed is watching a replay of that kick in slow-mo and giggling like a third-grader who just saw his first boobie. Enjoy it while it lasts, Reed.

By the way. The laces were out. So don’t go blaming this on anybody, Finkle.

Three-to-one odds that Suisham becomes a transvestite cop in the next decade…

4. Kim Kardashian advertising Skechers Shape-Ups is like Ron Jeremy advertising penis-shrinking medication.

Wait. You’re telling me you want to make your amazing ass smaller? Why would you do that? What the hell are you thinking? And why are you letting Skechers mock you like this? F**k you, Skechers. You ruin everything.

I was at the gym the other day and saw this overweight woman wearing Skechers Shape-Ups. Thing is, she had a large belly, a ton of neck fat, and tiny little chicken legs. I don’t know if the shoes were working or if she had wasted her money on expensive kicks when she could have just spent less money on food. Chicken and egg scenario.

Allow me to reiterate the fact that Skechers sucks. They make cheap shoes which they sell at outlandish prices for how cheaply made their product is. You could say the same thing about Nike, I suppose, but at least Nike’s product looks cool. No one has ever engaged in acts of fornication while wearing a pair of Skechers. I promise you that.

3. Usher totally got laid on Sunday night.

Guaranteed.

And I know what you’re thinking. Usher gets laid every night. False. Usher only gets laid on days that end with the letter Y.

Not only did he rescue the Black-Eyed Peas from their God-awful Tron remake, he was wearing all white. Do you know what wearing all white can do for a man? Ever since Boyz II Men rocked the all-white linens in the Water Runs Dry video, the sexual success rate in all-white outfits is 100-percent. One-hundred-freakin-percent. No one has ever NOT gotten laid after rocking the all-white outfit.

Here’s the Water Runs Dry video. Go ahead and watch this and try to deny that you’re feeling aroused. You won’t be able to do it. Will not.

2. I literally did not process a single word that Troy Aikman said.

Troy Aikman is like a cactus in the desert. Yeah, if you saw a cactus anywhere else you’d be like, “Oh, look, a cactus.” But in the desert there are so many cacti that you don’t notice or care that one single cactus stands alone in this arid wasteland.

That analogy didn’t make any sense.

The point is, Aikman blended into the vocal background the same way Kevin Garnett blends into the night. I didn’t even notice he was there. My brain processed Joe Buck with the occasional twang. I assume the twang was Aikman. But I wasn’t really paying attention. So who knows for sure.

1. Not only is Christina Aguilera a national disgrace, she is also no longer attractive.

I’ll be honest. I did not notice that Christina Aguilera blew the words to the Star-Spangled Banner until I read my Twitter feed and saw everyone’s reactions, complete with words like “train wreck” and “disgusting.”

How did I miss her patriotic flub, you ask? Quite simply, I was overly focused on the fact that the former Mickey Mouse Clubber has gotten pretty difficult to look at. Yes. It sounds harsh. And frankly, it is harsh.

First off, did you see how much makeup she had on? I was repulsed by all that makeup. And I know nothing about makeup. Besides the fact that it usually makes women look hotter. Except in this case. Unless, God forbid, this was the hotter version of Christina Aguilera. The thought alone is paralyzing.

Secondly, this poor decaying young woman used to be beautiful (no matter what they say) and failed to capitalize on that beauty. She is not married. She has already pumped one human being out of that birth canal. Fred Durst said no. Carson Daly said no. How do you explain that to your future husband? I had sex with Fred Durst and Carson Daly, but ultimately they both turned me down. I would have serious qualms about making love to a girl who told me that. Not only do I have to worry about catching something, but your previous taste in men is leading me to question my own place in this world. Damn it. Now I’m thinking too much. Damn it! Now I’m flaccid.

Oh, and to top it off, you’re a national pariah for screwing up the anthem. Great. Add it to the list.

Genie in a bottle, my ass.

21 thoughts on “Top 11: Things I Thought About Super Bowl XLV”

  1. My prom date didn’t get laid after rocking the all whites (and actually, it was an all white tux with a purple vest, so technically better).

  2. 0. Every time Greg Jennings did anything, we all quoted the video

    I PUT THE TEAM ON MY BAAAACK

    YOU CAN’T STOP MEEEE

    what video you ask?

  3. In the ad featuring TV characters wearing various NFL attire, only one was donning Seahawks blue.

    Ralph Wiggum

  4. I wish this website had a “Like” button. I don’t have anything creative to add. I just want to like the sh*t out of the majority of the comments all over this place.

  5. I was praying to the good lord that Greg Jennings would say “you can’t stop me” or “I put da team on my back doo” in his post-game interview. He was literally the sole reason I even watched.

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