Your Totally Uninformed, Not-Really-About-The-Game, 2011 Super Bowl Preview

I don’t like Ben Roethlisberger. I think he’s a dick and has a disproportionately chubby face. He also accosts females and he’s never lost to the Seahawks, so f**k that guy.

I don’t like the Pittsburgh Steelers. They annoy me. I don’t hate them, as some Seattleites do, but I certainly wouldn’t mind watching them get attacked by piranhas, either.

I don’t like the Green Bay Packers. They do nothing for me. Aaron Rodgers is ho hum, James Starks is the next Domanick Davis, and every time Greg Jennings has been on my fantasy team he’s sucked balls. Blah.

Basically, what all this boils down to for me is an extreme rooting interest in this year’s Super Bowl ads. Go commercials! I’m rooting for you. Don’t let me down.

Yeah, that’s right. It’s time for the Super Bowl. The best team in the AFC versus the best team in the NFC. Whatever. No one really cares that much about the game. It’s just an excuse to congregate en masse in a room with your friends, eat unhealthy food, get drunk, be loud without pissing off your neighbors (because they’re loud on this day, too), and enjoy life for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon. I’m good with that. We all should be.

To quench your undying thirst for prognostications, I’m going to give you a preview of this year’s Super Bowl. A preview that is entirely written up in one long run-on paragraph. Ready? Here goes:

Ben Roethlisberger gets arrested in Dallas the night before the big game for soliciting a prostitute that turns out to be a transvestite. Worst part is, the tranny kicks Roethlisberger’s ass after the quarterback molests him/her and Big Ben is sent to the hospital with serious injuries, mostly in the face, where he loses at least seven to eight pounds of flesh. Yikes. Anyway, Charlie Batch gets the start for the Steelers and does amazing sh*t. I don’t know. Fill in the blanks for me. What’s amazing? A few TDs? No picks? Use your imagination. Whatever you consider to be amazing, that’s what Batch does. Rashard Mendenhall gets the ball a lot, but you know what’s really funny? Mendenhall breaks the biggest story of media week when he reveals to everyone that he actually did play Kenny on The Cosby Show growing up. Yeah. I’ve been saying that for years. Thanks for confirming, Kenny…I mean, Rashard. So yeah, there’s that. Then, on the other side of the field, you got Aaron Rodgers who isn’t very exciting at all, so we’ll just gloss over the fact that he even exists. There’s James Starks, of course, who no one knows. Might as well be John Starks’ little brother. And…you know what, there’s really no one else on Green Bay worth mentioning. Their team is vanilla. They got a lot of dudes with long hair who do great things as a collective unit. Boring. Boring, boring, boring. They’re the NFL equivalent of Lebron James’ Twitter account. So who’s gonna win this thing? I don’t know. Probably the refs.

There you go. That’s the entire 2011 Seattle Sportsnet Super Bowl preview. If you were looking for more than that, I apologize.

Wait, actually, there’s one more thing.

The Black-Eyed Peas are playing this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. As you can plainly see, the committee on halftime shows is still booking “safe” entertainment acts (following Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction which happened all the way back in what, like 2003? It’s been forever. Let’s move on already…), but is getting slightly more risque than the geriatrics they’ve peddled out there in year’s past. At least BEP has some ethnic flavor. Score one for us minorities. We’re slowly getting back in the NFL’s good graces.

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, I have a lengthy list of “safe” acts that I’d much rather see perform than the Black-Eyed Peas, Tom Petty, Paul McCartney, or any of the other white bread acts that have been out there recently. Here are eleven possibilities for you to consider. You didn’t ask for it, but I’m gonna give it to you anyways (that’s what Roethlisberger said…get it?):

1. UB-40. Where the hell have they been? Bring them back for the Super Bowl. I’d love to see what’s up.

2. David Guetta featuring John Tesh. I don’t necessarily like either one of these guys. But let’s face it. This is a pairing that needs to happen.

3. J.C. Chasez. He used to have a solo career, you know.

4. O-Town. Duh. And word on the street is that they’re getting back together. It’s all part of the plan…

5. Bruce Hornsby and The Range. Watching this man play the piano is a privilege. An absolute privilege.

6. Billy Ocean. This would only be a slight step up from the Emerald Queen Casino, but necessary nonetheless.

7. Bell Biv Devoe. Bobby Brown wouldn’t be considered “safe,” so New Edition is out. This is the next best thing.

8. REO Speedwagon. Why the heck not?

9. Huey Lewis. Notice I didn’t say “Huey Lewis and the News.” The News just ruin things.

10. Color Me Badd. Color me interested.

11. Kriss Kross. Yes. You would definitely watch two dudes in their thirties rap on stage while wearing baggy jeans and baseball jerseys…backwards. Don’t deny it. To the back with a little slack, ’cause inside-out is wiggita-wiggita-wiggita-whack.

You might not like some of these potential halftime performances, but you’d be intrigued at least. And that’s the key. It’s all about entertainment. Not the quality of the music or anything like that. Plus, if you’re doing it right, you’ll be having a good time no matter who tries to hold your attention at intermission.

The Super Bowl is about fun, friends, and one big fiesta. You have two weeks to make it happen. Go out there and get it done.

And in the meantime, enjoy the Pro Bowl. It’s next Sunday. Yeah. Get excited, America. The Pro F**kin’ Bowl.

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