Back in the day, our favorite athletes were enigmatic badasses that patrolled the playing surface and never said much more than a few words to the press. Now, though, those same athletes are staking their reputations on a keyboard and 140-character quips of intelligence (or, in many cases, a lack thereof).
No one ever said the internet was easy. In fact, some of us even fail at it. Athletes are no exception.
That’s why we present to you a list of the Top 11 Ways That Athletes Fail Twitter. Because success is so overrated.
11. They misspell almost everything.
Studies show that every time an athlete misspells a word on Twitter, a gopher is struck and killed by a golf ball.
Look, athlete. No one ever accused you of being a genius. That doesn’t mean you need to go around advertising it.
Example: “mayn, i realy don kno whutta doo bout deez hose dat be callin me n da middul tha nite when mah gurl be round me…pause…stop it hose!!!”
10. They type out the word “pause.”
Is it just me, or is that the most annoying thing in the world?
Yes, it is.
Example: See Fail No. 11.
9. They Retweet the negative messages they receive from the haters to show that the negative messages they receive from the haters don’t bother them.
That makes sense.
Example: “Haters don’t bother me! LMAO!! RT @JoeAthlete69 isn’t very good at what he does.”
8. They Retweet everything else, too.
There’s nothing like having your entire Twitter feed polluted by an onslaught of messages that essentially massage the ego of the athlete you happen to be following.
Example: “RT @JoeAthlete69 it’s my birthday and ur my fave player of all-time!! That dunk you had was SICK! Can I get a RT??!!”
7. They Tweet about their mid-week off nights when the rest of society has work the next day.
No one wants to hear about how you’re bored at midnight on a Tuesday evening in the middle of the offseason. We get it. When you’re not practicing or playing games, you’re free to do whatever you please.
But come on. The rest of us have jobs we have to go to in the morning and the fact that you expect us to relate to your boredom at this point in the evening is…well…it’s just stupid.
Yes, we would all like to be in your bored-ass shoes. However, there are TPS reports to be filed tomorrow and if I don’t file them, no one will. So f**k off.
Example: “Hella bored. What’s everyone doin 2night? Who’s down to go out???”
6. When they’re not Tweeting annoying sh*t, their Tweets are exceptionally boring.
Not everyone can be an entertainer. I think we all understand that. But if you have nothing exciting to Tweet, then just don’t Tweet anything at all. This isn’t a post-game interview. Show some emotion!
Example: “Going to see a movie tonight. Hope it’s good.”
5. They ask questions that they could find the answers to themselves (with minimal effort) simply by using the internet.
Now clearly you have an internet connection, athlete. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be posting this message on Twitter right now. Why don’t you put your broadband to good use and find the answer yourself, rather than making dumb inquiries of your followers?
What kind of questions am I referring to, you ask? Questions like, “Anyone know what time the game is on?” and “Anyone know what the capitol of Mexico is?” come to mind. The types of questions that a simple Google search would cure.
Example: “How much is nine times five?”
4. They over-complicate their Twitter handles to an irresponsible degree.
An ideal example of a good Twitter handle for an athlete: @nate_robinson. This is clearly Nate Robinson’s Twitter account, it’s short and to the point, there are no nicknames, no numbers, just his name. Perfect.
The epitome of a bad Twitter handle for an athlete: @bigdthatsme23. This account could belong to anyone that likely used to have an AOL Instant Messenger screen name, as well. In fact, it belongs to Derrick Williams, power forward for the University of Arizona men’s basketball team. I did some research, and both @derrick_williams and @derrickwilliams23 are available should Williams ever want to improve his online standing.
Being an athlete with a decent number of followers that simultaneously owns a bad Twitter handle is kind of like driving around a 1980s Honda Civic on shiny, 20-inch rims. I don’t know how they relate exactly. It was just the first simile that popped into my head. There you go.
3. They ask you to follow members of their entourage.
Right. Because we all want to read updates from a 30-year-old hanger-on that has no job and lives in the third bedroom of your penthouse apartment while acting as your “manager” as he eats up all your money and has second crack at the gold-digging, jersey-chasing hos that are trying to get with you and your paycheck and would let anything — absolutely anything — into and out of their birth canals if it meant not having to work for the rest of their lives because you were paying millions of dollars to raise their baby.
Yeah. We all wanna read that.
Example: “Every1 follow my homey @JoeAthletesManager…he’s good people.”
2. They Tweet about their money and/or all the things they’ve bought with their money.
Rule No. 1 of being wealthy: Don’t talk about your wealth.
Everyone knows you’re filthy rich. We’ve seen the contract terms. It’s public knowledge. No need to remind everybody that you’re severely overpaid for what it is that you do. Especially if you’re a backup or not very good. I mean, I guess it’s okay if Peyton Manning wants to talk about his wealth. But don’t be flaunting your figures, Jay Cutler.
Example: “Just dropped $10 Gs at Best Buy! LOL!!!”
1. They Tweet to their hos nonstop.
But in fairness, if I had hos, I’d probably Tweet to them, too.
Example: “You look fine in that pic, girl ;)”