A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Reference That I Can’t Find A Place For

Sometimes I have these pop culture references that I’d like to work into sports-related articles but can’t. I don’t want these references to go to waste, however. So here’s one that I’ve been holding onto for a while now. It’s about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. These are legitimate questions we should be asking ourselves. Don’t think I’m not being serious. Anyway, here goes:

How did Donatello end up with a stick? Leonardo got a sword. Michelangelo got nunchucks. Raphael got two glorified trident knives (called “sai,” according to Wikipedia). Donatello, on the other hand? He got a stick.

Now technically, Donatello’s weapon was a bo staff. I don’t know what that means really. I had to look that up on Wikipedia, as well. But whatever. It’s irrelevant. We all know what he was carrying and it was a stick. When I was maybe five years old, I would pick up big walking sticks and pretend I was Donatello. I mean, no one was gonna hand me a sword or nunchucks or two “sai.” So I had to settle for Donatello’s weapon. Which could easily be found after a wind storm.

You think one of the other turtles might have looked at D-Train (I’m gonna call him D-Train now) and helped him get better equipped.

“Uh, Donatello, what the f**k is that? We’re about to go take on fifty foot soldiers and possibly Shredder and Tatsu and you’re bringing a stick? The rest of us have deadly weapons. I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking. Here, take this gun instead.”

And where was Splinter in all this? Wasn’t he supposed to be overseeing this entire operation? Those adolescent reptiles were eating pizza and kicking ass and Splinter just hung out in the sewer watching reruns of Head of the Class and getting high as a kite. I’m pretty sure that rat was on opiates. He looked like the kinda rodent that would be on opiates.

At the very least, they could have given D-Train additional weaponry. Like a small ensemble of things that wouldn’t kill bad guys, but would definitely impair them.

“Here ya go, Donatello. Put this stuff in your shell. We got you throwing stars, a slingshot, a Super Soaker, a whoopee cushion, a couple cans of Four Loko, a blow dart, a laser pointer, and a picture of Kathy Bates’ unclothed breasts. Use these at your discretion.”

It doesn’t seem fair, does it? Everyone else gets awesome assault weapons and you get a stick. These are the things I think about.

Furthermore, what was up with Raphael’s voice?

3 thoughts on “A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Reference That I Can’t Find A Place For”

  1. Would you rather have Donatello’s bo staff, or Casey Jones’ hockey stick? I choose the hockey stick, as long as the hockey mask comes with it.

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