Welcome To Seattle Motherf**king Washington

This is Seattle.

We’re not New York. Not Los Angeles. Not even Miami or Chicago. We’re America’s underdog. The forgotten metropolis. Crammed into the nosebleed section of the left coast. Where it rains a lot. Where coffee is constantly brewing. Where planes are made and apples are sliced. We’re overlooked and underappreciated.

The nation scoffs at us. They tend to forget that we even exist. When they mention us, it’s only to take jabs at the weather and the beverage of choice. Don’t act like you haven’t been gossiping behind our backs, America. We know how it is.

When it comes to sports, they treat us like a redheaded stepchild. They hijack our teams, tell us we aren’t supportive enough, put us amongst the worst sports cities in this great nation of ours, and occasionally slap the dreaded “mid-market” label upon us. The only mid-market we should be associated with is on the corner of First Avenue and Pike Street. We’re bigger than that. We’re better than that.

We’re the worst of the best, the best of the worst. A punch line with an area code. A needle away from being irrelevant.

We’re soggy, soaked, sorry, sub-par. We aren’t deserving of success. We aren’t respected for the accomplishments. Our victories are cheapened by the fact that we don’t “get it” and don’t know what winning really means.

This is Seattle. This is where we stand as a sports town. In America’s outhouse. We’re lepers. Loners. Losers.

And that’s why it’s time to gloat. Act like you’ve been there before, right? Wrong. According to them, we haven’t been there before and never will be. So suck on it, America. Because it’s time to pay homage to the Emerald City, the 206, the greatest city in the U.S.A., Seattle, Motherf**king, Washington.

You may not know this, but we have a professional football franchise. They just sh*t on last year’s Super Bowl champs. They took the worst regular season record for a division winner in league history into the playoffs and won a game they were supposed to lose. There are 32 franchises in the National Football League. By the time the Seahawks take the field next, only the fans of eight of those franchises will still have a pulse. Our pulse won’t just be beating, though. No. It’ll be racing. We’re like midgets on Red Bull. We go crazy for the postseason.

We have a college here in this town. The University of Washington. Surprisingly, it’s nowhere near the District of Columbia. Imagine that. Our college has a football program. They upset the Nebraska Cornhuskers in last week’s Holiday Bowl. Vegas cried when that happened. We’re perpetually out to bring tears to Sin City’s collective eyes. Oddsmakers hate us. I guess that means we beat the odds. Sexy.

Our college also has a basketball program. They’ve won six straight ballgames. They’re nationally ranked. They’re undefeated in Pac-10 conference play (Pac, short for Pacific, named after the Pacific Ocean, which is a larger body of water than the Mississippi River). You might not care right now. But it will matter in March. So don’t sleep on these guys. They’re a night terror waiting to happen.

In the past fortnight, these three teams have carried this city to one of the greatest two-week runs of athletic achievement in Seattle sports history. We’re on a seven-game winning streak. We’re taking on more than just opponents. We’re thwarting critics, naysayers, gamblers, sportswriters, talking heads, and haters. They might as well be motivators. Let the Cascades serve as our bulletin board. Tack the words of inspiration to Mount Rainier and let them loom in the distance.

We shouldn’t care what they say. We shouldn’t worry about everyone else. We should enjoy this for ourselves. We don’t need to tell the nation, we don’t need to tell the world.

F**k that.

Recognize, America. This is Seattle. And we’re kicking your ass right now.

P.S. Give us our NBA team back, dicks.

49 thoughts on “Welcome To Seattle Motherf**king Washington”

  1. what an amazing read. hahaha. I laughed the entire time I was reading it…but still took it incredibly seriously.

  2. Yeah, girl. Clean that city up with your fine ass. Mmmmm. That skirt is fitted nice.

  3. Seattle sports have been killing it this week. Its about time we get some credit as a city. ESPN can’t even downplay the Seahawks victory. We scored 41 f***ing points on the defending champs.

  4. we need to send our ivars frycatchers out to dive bomb those naysayers ala mel brooks in high anxiety.

  5. I live in Chicago now but I bleed everything Seattle sports. Today, I played ball with my Huskies shorts on, went to family party sporting my Seahawks hoodie, wearing a black Mariners hat, and wearing a Seattle Supersonics t-shirt under the hoodie (hey it’s 15 degrees here). The last two weeks has validated Seattle as a sports town again. It hasn’t felt like this since early- to mid-nineties. I hope my team comes to this town and destroys the Bears hopes. The Chicago Tribune headlines their Bears coverage, “Destination Dallas,” let’s throw another monkey wrench. Let’s go Seattle, let’s keep this roll going. Love this website, just know that Seattle fans are all over the country and not just at home. Keep up the good work, you guys keep me connected to home.

  6. From the “I swear I heard this on TV” Desk: Pre-game for the AFC playoff game yesterday. One of the Talking heads says something like:

    “With the 7 and 9, worst ever winning record in the playoffs Seattle Seahawks knocking off the Defending Super Bowl Champions yesterday, there was talk previously of changing the playoff seeding process. Don’t you think this all but assures that this will happen now?”

    Talking head #2: “No, actually, I think it assures that nothing will change. The system we have works.”

    Yeah, baby…..

  7. Awesome. Been a great week to be a Seattle sports fan.

    Now if we can just get the M’s back to winning…

  8. What would it mean to you to host the Packers two weeks from now? The lower 48 can suck it. We are Marshawn Lynch’s left arm giving you the stiff. We’re calling the shot…. upper left corner pocket baby!

  9. Poetic Justice, Love the verbiage, Love the in your face mentality, along with the generalization of FU and the horse you rode in on.

    Seahawks have everything to gain and absolutely nothing at all to lose.

    Let me tell ya something, it’s going to be an Ass whooping, Cutler a virgin Playoff QB will be on his fanny most the day and throw 3 picks.

    Our Big boys in blue will win, 31-17 while the boys in black will be black and blue.

  10. Some “against the odds” stuff:

    82% of bettors bet on Nebraska to win straight up (-500 haha) or cover -13.5.

    74% bet on the saints to win or cover -10.5.

    Ouch America.

    This coming Sunday how many people will be taking Chicago -400/-10?

  11. And then we have the Sounders, where we won the U.S. Open Cup final 2–1, becoming the first MLS team ever to repeat as champion, and the first team since 1983 to do so.

    Hype? Seattle brews that in our coffee! GET IT DONE SEATTLE!

  12. Yes, Welcome to Motherf**king Seattle!

    2011 is the year for the 206!

    Check out Seattle hip-hop artist Macklemore’s video tribute to Dave Niehaus with “My Oh My”

  13. Dood, hello, our Football(Soccer) is kicking all attendance records in the country. :) The M’s are the envy with their cash making machinery as well.

    PS. Boeing isnt really here anymore. They diversified themselves into fail outsourcing everything to bust the unions.

  14. Ummm, in case you haven’t noticed, we also have womens prof basketball team that won the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

  15. I would like to note another victory over the weekend by Ryan Villopoto in the opening round of supercross. He is a local Washington boy as well.

  16. Ummmm… we all got the hottest meteorologist in the nation! Rebecca Stevenson, KIRO 7 is so fine!!!! Yowzah!!!

  17. National championships from Seattle:
    Supersonics 1979 NBA
    Storm 04 and 10 WNBA
    the University of Washington daWgs: in football– 1960 (yes, check it, bitches, we beat the shite out of the number one team in the rose bowl and the Helms foundation was smart enough to award it to us) and 1991 (and we would have POWNED the pseudocanes that year cuz we had a demi-god named steve emtman who would have rolled up the orange and olive and smoked them like a rasta fatty)
    in volleyball: 2005, refusing to drop even one game in he playoffs to ANYONE, even the vaunted and #1 ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers, who we hammered in straight sets!
    in softball: danielle lawrie may be the best ever
    in cross country, golf (james Lepp, 2005 NCAA champ), and oh, yeah, in men’s crew, which have won FOURTEEN National titles AND beat Hitler in berlin for olympic gold in 1936 (suck that, ESPN, how many times have your beloved friggin patriots beaten the most evil man on earth??)
    and we even won a Stanley Cup (Seattle Metropolitans, 1917),
    and we (all the pro teams in the US’ best town) are ready to open up a serious, Venti-sized can of Northwest whoopass on your pathetic, derek-jeter-tom-brady-lebron-james-worshiping-umbrella-carrying butts. Beast Mode is about to become the motto of a city that is sick of your condescending east-coast bias. if you don’t like our rain, then stop moving here and shut your friggin cake hole.

  18. Ha! How bad ass is Seattle now? I knew this stupid article was a little premature.

    Seattle, the only way you are gonna get respect is if you earn respect. You field some of the worst teams ever, and you are crying because nobody gives you any love? Give me a break.

    That was the “badass” Seahawks that played on Sunday, right? Ok, good, because I confused them with a pathetic professional sports team, in one of the worst playoff performances I have ever seen. The Bears couldn’t have looked more disinterested, and they still kicked the piss out of you.

    Leave football to the real teams. Go praise the Sounders and their US Cup victory. Just make sure you explain it first because nobody even understands what the hell that even is.

  19. LESS GOO! we got amazing fans, amazing music and an amazing city. what other place has all of that!

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