I received a great letter the other day from a loyal reader by the name of Patrick. Patrick wanted to talk about the Sonics and the possibility that the New Orleans Hornets could conceivably become the Sonics at some point in the future. And so he did.
I enjoyed Patrick’s letter enough that I feel compelled to reprint it on these pages and share with you my thoughts on the matter simultaneously. It will be like a back and forth. This should be both fun and exotic. Let’s give it a try (Patrick’s comments in italics, mine in bold).
With all this wild-ass speculation of [Steve] Ballmer as a candidate to buy the NO Hornets, I went off and had my own little mind-trip of what I would do if I had $5 billion or whatever he just came up with when he sold all that stock.
There are far, far better ways to spend that money than on an NBA team. But, let’s just say for a minute if that was the only option, here’s what I would do. This is my 5 Step Plan:
Before we address the 5 Step Plan, allow me to touch on a comment that Patrick just made. “There are far, far better ways to spend that money than on an NBA team,” he says. He’s right, of course. Which got me thinking about better things to buy with $5 billion. Here’s what I came up with:
1. Five billion runs at Howard Schultz’s wife.
2. 500 billion shares of whatever the hell stock Aubrey McClendon used to own.
3. 10 billion Jack In The Box tacos.
4. 20 billion games of Ms. Pac Man.
5. 500,000 hitmen at $10,000 a pop to take out Clay Bennett and David Stern.
6. One Boba Fett to take out Clay Bennett and David Stern.
Okay, let’s get back to the 5 Step Plan…
1) Buy the Hornets, move them here.
2) Build a big-ass basketball arena approximately two feet out of the Seattle city limits, just so they would not bring a DIME of tax revenue or business to the city that let them go. Think Tukwila. Or maybe Shoreline. Establish a No-Starbucks Zone for a five-mile radius around the new arena complex.
Can you imagine a basketball arena in Shoreline? Just think about that for a minute. First of all, where the hell does Shoreline start and end, anyways? It’s like the g-spot. You think you’ve found it, only you really haven’t.
“Is that it?”
“Is that it?
“What about when I bend my fingers this way?”
“Okay, f**k it.”
A basketball arena in Shoreline would have to be the world’s smallest, based solely on the fact that Shoreline isn’t big enough to house much of anything. If you were to plop a 20,000-seat venue in Shoreline, chances are you’d have concourses in Seattle, Edmonds, Mountlake Terrace, Lake Forest Park, and Lynnwood. That’s how ridiculous Shoreline is.
Not that it’s a bad suggestion on Patrick’s part. I’m just befuddled by Shoreline. That’s all.
3) Hire Clarence Beeks (the Dirty Tricks guy that Duke and Duke had on the payroll in Trading Places) and find a way to produce the most disgusting video evidence of Stern and Clay Clay with a donkey that White America has ever seen. Get people so enraged at Stern’s activities that it would make Julian Assange look like a f**king choir boy. Stern resigns in disgrace and becomes commissioner of a penitentiary T-ball league, the Skokie Soap-Droppers. Clay Clay is broken-hearted.
The part about White America needs to be noted. I think this is hilarious. I would imagine that few Americans regardless of color have seen many donkey pornos. I can’t confirm that, of course, but I have a hunch. Either way, this is probably something nobody should ever see. The fact that we’re even still talking about it is hilariously disturbing. Let’s just pretend this never happened.
4) Replace Stern with somebody else. I am still fleshing out a list of candidates, but I see Charles Barkley being on the short list. Also, Bill Simmons.
I would also add Fred Hoiberg, Greg Anthony, Mookie Blaylock, Cherokee Parks, Big Country Reeves, Mike Fratello, Marv Albert, Jeff Hornacek, Mitch Richmond, and the Cavs’ owner to the list. Also, Mark Cuban. That’s probably about it, though.
5) From here on out, I would spend the remaining energy and financial resources I had doing everything I could possibly think of to screw up the OKC franchise. Any player who is on their current roster that is up for a new contract, buy them out. ESPECIALLY Durant. Yes, I know he just signed an extension. Everybody has a price. ESPECIALLY in the NBA.
In addition, every time I heard of a player that OKC coveted, I would do everything I could to disrupt the transaction and to deprive them from any possible success. I would hire their best front-office people, their mascot, anything I could to strip that joint down. Buy all the property within a 10-block radius of the Ford Center and turn it into a free trailer park and tent city for the homeless. Each corner would have a free abortion clinic. Relocate Nickelsville to OKC. In the end, I would not care whether my own team won a single game, so long as I know I did my best to embarass, harass and strip the OKC franchise down to the lug nuts and leave nothing but a smoldering hole in the ground.
I can’t really say anything here. I once spent money sponsoring Russell Westbrook’s Basketball Reference page, just so I could post “Check out Seattle Sportsnet, where we won’t steal your soul like Clay Bennett and his merry band of thieves” on the page. So…yeah.
Now that I think of it, it’s probably a good thing that I DON’T have $5 billion cash at my disposal. I’d probably just buy a hydroplane and my own lake to run it on.
I wouldn’t buy a lake. As Pocahontas once sang, “You can own the earth and still/all you’ll own is earth until/you can paint with all the colors of the wind.” I just wrote that from memory. I’m not even gonna check it on Wikipedia. I’m that confident that those are the right lyrics.
By the way, knowing that kinda sh*t can totally get you laid. If you’re a dude in the 18-to-30-year-old range, you better brush up on your Disney movies and romantic comedies. I mean, you already knew about romantic comedies, but you might not have known about the Disney obsession. Girls love that stuff. Seriously. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. You haven’t lived until you’ve at least made out with A Whole New World blasting in the background. I know every lyric to that song. And look where it’s taken me.
Go. Start with The Little Mermaid and don’t stop until you get to Toy Story 3. You’ll thank me later.