It’s been almost a year since Nicole Zaloumis hightailed it out of Seattle. If you’re one of the perverts who constantly bombards this website with searches for “Nicole Zaloumis” (often in tandem with certain words that relate to the female anatomy), you’re probably wondering what Zaloumis is up to these days. I’ve done the legwork on your behalf and tracked your favorite sideline reporter down. Don’t thank me. It’s part of my job.
As it turns out, Zaloumis is currently working for the Big Ten Network. She’s been there since August. You can check out a press release about her hiring here.
Unlike her days at Fox Sports Northwest, Zaloumis is somewhat buried on the depth chart at the BTN. The network lists 40 — yes, FORTY — members of their on-air talent team. They have plenty of attractive females to flank Zaloumis, and also include the likes of Muhsin Muhammad, Jim Jackson, Rod Woodson, Amani Toomer, and former Seahawks long snapper Derek Rackley among their broadcasters.
On an interesting side note, the BTN also employs Mike Hall as one of their studio hosts. Hall is probably better known to all of you as the original winner of ESPN’s Dream Job. We should probably drop an obligatory Aaron Levine reference here. Levine was also on that show. He was the Buffalo Bills of that show, in fact. Meaning he did not win. But came close. Consolation prize: Q-It-Up Sports. Cute.
If you clicked on that Mike Hall link in the previous paragraph, you’re probably wondering if there’s a BTN profile for Zaloumis, as well. There is. It’s right here. Unfortunately, like the shorn pubis of a pornographic actress, you’ll notice that it’s barren. How the BTN has had Zaloumis on staff for over three months and not yet filled out her bio is beyond me. Not that you’d read it anyways. You’re only looking for pictures. I know your game, America.
So there you have it. You can all get some sleep. She’s been found. To quote Paul Bremer, the former U.S. Administrator to Iraq, “We got him.” Except in this case, the him is a her. And also not an international harbinger of terror.
Whatever happened to Paul Bremer anyways? Furthermore, what exactly did he do?
And speaking of people who have gone missing, where the hell is Dee Brown? Not Dee Brown the former Illinois basketball player. Dee Brown the former Boston Celtic who won the celebrity edition of Dream Job. Did ESPN just toss him out the window or something? For God’s sake, the man dunked with his vision obscured! Back when nobody had ever seen anything like that before. And he wore Reebok Pumps, too! How can we forget this? This is an absolute travesty.
Which of course brings us to Cedric Ceballos…