It’s basically taboo to hate on Jared because he’s a frickin hero, or whatever. Yeah, I get it. He lost a ton of weight. He went from being morbidly obese to being only slightly overweight. And make no mistake about it. This isn’t Superman we’re looking at. Face it. If you didn’t know that Jared had previously been a behemoth, you’d see the guy and figure he was pretty average and could probably afford to hit the gym for a few more hours each week.
We’ve given Jared a pass, America. The man has been plateauing for the last decade. Ten years!!! No, he hasn’t really gained weight. But the reality is this: Subway is paying this human being hundreds of thousands of dollars (if not millions!) to be their spokesperson. And the dude has not changed much at all in the past dime.
Shouldn’t he be looking like the Incredible Hulk by now? I’m sure they’ve paid a trainer to keep his spokespersony ass in shape. And yet he’s pretty mediocre, at best. I’m not impressed. I was impressed ten years ago. But the flame has burned out. Jared ain’t doing sh*t for me anymore.
So there’s Jared, who’s superpower is being average.
And then there’s this whole card stunt garbage. Oh, you haven’t heard? Well get ready for me to rock your world, readers, because here it comes.
On Thursday evening, the University of Washington will be handing giant cards to every individual sitting in the student section for the football game against UCLA. When the students hold these cards above their heads, each card will form a piece of a giant UW logo. When flipped, the opposite side of these cards will then display an ad for Subway. Yes, really.
Now let me be clear. I am ALL FOR a card stunt that showcases the Washington logo. As a proud Husky alum, I could not be more excited about that. But a Subway ad on the reverse side? Spare me.
Why the hell are we selling out to Subway, anyways? If you’re gonna throw this garbage at the students (the most vulnerable group you can find), you better have answers for the rest of us. You really think any proud Husky fan wants to see a bunch of lemmings showcase a product on behalf of the university? F**k that. We’re better than that. We won a national f**king championship. And you’re making our fans do this? What the hell has gotten into you?
I don’t even care if this money goes to fund our stadium renovation. Advertising a product by more or less exploiting your students (who, I might add, drop thousands upon thousands of dollars just to attend your school) is bush league. It’s f**ckin’ bush league and somebody needs to call you on it. This isn’t the Sun Belt conference (my apologies to the Sun Belt conference for the low blow). We don’t need to suck corporate America’s dick for money. This is low-class prostitution at its finest and you’re insulting me by using my alma mater as a vehicle for your promiscuous desires.
You unholy bastards.
Jesus Hector Christ. This is Jake Locker’s final home game for heaven’s sake. And you’re going to spoil it with a Subway ad. Subway. Tony Parker does ads for them. And Tony Parker is the absolute anti-poon. You’re advertising right alongside the anti-poon. You CANNOT tell me that’s okay.
Let me tell you this. You don’t get much money from me as it is. Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. I am still paying on student loans and all. You’ve taken a lot of my money up ’til this point. But let me warn you. If I ever have enough money where I would consider donating a large chunk of it to my school, to my alma mater, it’s this type of crap that would make me reconsider my offering. I am not okay with the sell out. I don’t care what kind of money they’re paying you for this stunt. It’s not worth it. We’re better than that. No one should have to endure this cheesy marketing strategy.
Epic fail, UW. Epic, epic fail.