The Rally To Restore Sanity Amongst Seattle Sports Fans

If the Charlie Whitehurst versus Matt Hasselbeck debate has taught us anything, it’s that a pretentious jackass is the worst kind of sports fan there is.

Since that fateful day when the Seahawks gave up a third-round pick for Whitehurst, a quarterback controversy has been brewing in Seattle. And fueling that controversy are a contingent of fanatics who don’t know their elbows from their asses.

On either side of the spectrum, you have the Hasselbeck Sucks squad battling the Whitehurst Is Terrible crew. The pro-Hasselbecks believe No. 8 is God. Once upon a time, he led our team to a Superbowl, plus he’s a pretty nice dude. Hence, he can commit no fallacy. The pro-Whitehursts realize that Hasselbeck is past his prime, but more than that they believe that if Whitehurst isn’t Zeus, he might as well be Jesus (looks notwithstanding).

Fact is, they’re both wrong.

Between Facebook, Twitter, mainstream media, and the sports blogosphere, I’ve seen enough written about Hasselbeck v. Whitehurst to last a lifetime. Unfortunately for society, most of it is complete crap.

Regardless of how you really feel about either Hasselbeck or Whitehurst, the battle to be Seattle’s signal-caller should serve as a template for idiotic sports fans getting their way. How anyone can emote so strongly about either one of these players — based on Hasselbeck’s utter mediocrity and Whitehurst’s relative lack of opportunity — is beyond me. The fact that we’re even having this discussion a) glorifies morons and b) puts into perspective where our fair city stands on the national sports landscape.

You think anyone outside of Seattle cares about Hasselbeck or Whitehurst? Hell no. There are a ton of quarterbacks better than both these guys. There are a handful who are much worse, as well. Which means that when you get right down to it, we’re talking about an absolute run-of-the-mill tandem. Nothing to see here, folks. Please disperse.

Sports are supposed to be a fun distraction from everyday life. But part of what I’ve come to realize based on this Whitehurst-versus-Hasselbeck squabble is that people are actually dumb enough to beat themselves up over two guys who are barely hanging on to NFL careers. Here’s a hint, everyone: Neither one of these guys is worth it.

A few weeks ago, I started the Keith Price For Heisman campaign (KP4H, to the initiated). Part of my thinking behind this crusade is that it was a fun, tongue-in-cheek diversion from the humdrum boredom of what has more or less been a lost season for the Washington Huskies football program.

Almost immediately after I ejaculated KP4H into the veritable birth canals of local sports fans, two factions of individuals formed. There were the folks who got it, embraced the joke, and began spreading the KP4H gospel all over their social networking profiles. And then there were the uppity sticks-in-the-mud. Those folks who labeled me a jerk for poking fun at the Dawgs; my Dawgs, no less.

Last week, after Whitehurst was named the Seahawks’ starter for Sunday’s game against the New York Giants, I started a new campaign via Twitter. This campaign demanded that practice squad quarterback Zac Robinson, a rookie out of Oklahoma State, begin seeing playing time immediately. Zac Robinson For MVP.

It was another shot below the belt to those fans who take themselves so seriously that it’s hard for them to get out of bed without spraining their tightly-wound buttocks. Who does this guy calling for Keith Price and Zac Robinson think he is? We need to stop him! We need to destroy him! Or he will destroy us! Sports cannot be fun! They are our lifeblood!

Whatever, dude.

I’m not telling you to lose the passion you have for the game. By all means, please retain it. I’m just asking you to get a f**king grip. A grip on reality, a grip on life, a grip on your own personal happiness, all of the above. God forbid you enjoy sports for a minute of your miserable existence. It’s not like anyone’s forcing you to support these teams.

Pretentious jackass sports fans kill me. Like rich white dudes with mail-order Asian wives (you’ve all seen these types, don’t act like I’m bringing something new to the table), these bastards are trying to rain on our parade with their pouty attitudes and stuck-up ways. Hey, look at you, big man. Your wife is so hot, what page in the catalog did you find her on? You can tell this relationship was made to last because you clearly want sex and she clearly can’t say no. Literally. She doesn’t know the language. Ah, capitalism at its finest. And of course by capitalism, I mean love.

Win or lose, we need to get over ourselves, sports fans. Yeah, our teams suck right now. But that doesn’t mean we have to kick puppies and blast our anger all over the internet. If you’re feeling down, just go get laid or something. And if you can’t get laid, then love yourself. You’ll feel better after you’ve taken a load off, if you know what I mean.

This is a rally. A rally to restore sanity amongst Seattle sports fans. We’re better than this. Better than giving a damn about two so-so quarterbacks stoking our fiery ire. Better than lamenting over a failed Heisman campaign, mistakenly cultivated by a school that hasn’t been to a bowl game in nearly a decade. Better than getting upset over a group of local teams that have let us down time and again.

We need to temper our expectations, act rationally, then stick it to these programs for not bringing us championships. Who cares what craptastic quarterback is under center for the Hawks? Who cares about individual awards? If we’re not winning rings and trophies, it doesn’t matter. And that’s where our focus needs to be.

Pretentious jackass sports fans, I need you to go jump off a cliff.

As for the rest of us, the sane group, let’s rally together and focus on one thing: Winning.

4 thoughts on “The Rally To Restore Sanity Amongst Seattle Sports Fans”

  1. whooaaa. let’s focus on what’s really important here. Zenyatta lost yesterday, and that’s a devastation. You heard me, I changed the channel. With approximately 1:32 left in the 4th quarter of the Huskies game, I switched to horse racing. Now THAT’S a problem.

  2. You are the Martin Luther to their Catholic Church. You are going against the “anybody who plays QB for the Seahawks is the best no matter what!” orthodoxy. This attitude has led us down the dubious path of sticking with Kelly Stouffer, Dan Mcguire and Stan Gelbaugh or not drafting Colt McCoy because we have Charlie Whitehurst. A completely misplaced faith that only leads to heartbreak. This is because most sports fans in Seattle have always let their passion override their ability to take a realistic look at our talent. I love the Seahawks but that still does not change the fact that Charlie Whitehurst looks like a guy that is stepping off the prison bus at Walla Walla for the first time when he plays.

    As for mail order brides I would never get one but I am not against the concept. Basic supply and demand. Marrying a fat, inarticulate old guy is still better then being sold into a brothel by your family.

    On a side note I have started to listen to the games on the radio. It allows me to get some stuff done around the house and spares me the pain of listening to Michael Strahan and Troy Aikman wax lyrically about how great the Giants are. What ex-Seahawk would you have wanted chiming in to the Aikman/Buck booth on Sunday? I go with Kenny Easley. Aikman: “Kenny, the Seahawks really don’t look that good today. your thoughts?” Kenny: F*&k You and your egg shell skull, Troy.”

  3. I said – You actually watched the Husky game up till the 4th quarter?… I call bull

    People are way to high and way to low on the Hawks. Lets be honest this team is neither as good or as bad as they’ve looked at times. They might get into the playoffs not because they are a good team but because they might suck just a little less then the Cardinals or Rams,

  4. originally my name was supposed to be i<3 horses but apparently i can't do that.

    PETE- i had a drinking game to finish and i'm no quitter.

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