Side Note: These things are numbered for no particular reason.
1. I would like to see Jenn Sterger talk about Brett Favre’s penis.
This would accomplish a number of things.
One, it would be really funny to those of us who still giggle at the word “penis.”
Two, it would destroy Favre’s reputation of being a guy who doesn’t show his penis.
Three, it would destroy Favre’s reputation in every other way, as well.
Four, it would validate what we already know. Which is that Favre really did send pictures of his babymaker to Sterger, in hopes that she would find it sexually appealing. Right. Because everyone enjoys gray pubes.
2. I would like to see political ads that are truthful, yet scathing.
It seems like every time we sit down to watch TV these days, political ads attempt to ruin our fun. That’s why I think there’s a ton of potential for attack campaigns that are honest, ruthless, and hilarious all at once. Here are some of my ideas.
“He got caught jerking off when he was 16, and now he’s running for Senate.”
“She slept with half the football team in college, and she wants to be your representative?”
“This guy waxes his entire body. Are you sure you want him in Congress?
“He wants to be a superior court judge, but he drives a Pontiac Aztec. Talk about bad decisions.”
“Her kids are really messed up. One of them is emo and the other one was on a boot camp episode of Maury. If she can’t even raise her children, how’s she supposed to be our mayor?”
“He wants to be your State Auditor? But he’s not even Asian! Can you really trust him with numbers?”
3. I would like to see Barry Bonds interfere with a playable foul ball, a la Steve Bartman, in Game 7 of the World Series.
You may have noticed that Barry Bonds has been sitting in the front row-ish area of Pac-Bell Park SBC Park AT&T Park during the first two games of the World Series. That’s perfect.
Everyone knows that Giants fans are the only people in this world keeping Barry afloat. If he were to completely f**k up their shot at a title by going all Bartman on a ball, they would have no choice but to turn on him, at which point Bonds would disintegrate before our very eyes. This has to happen.
4. I would like to see someone dress up as Slutty Bill Parcells for Halloween.
Is it cold in here, or are those just your giant man-boob saucer nipples I see?
5. I would like to see a soccer hipster and a bandwagon Boston Red Sox fan fight to the death.
Either way, society wins.
6. I would like to see Allen Iverson explain practice in whatever language they speak in Turkey (probably Turkish).
Wikipedia confirms that it is indeed Turkish.
An English-to-Turkish online translator reveals that “uygulmak” might be the most accurate representation of the word “practice.”
Uygulmak? We’re talkin’ about uygulmak!
7. I would like to see Brian Kelly, head football coach at Notre Dame, have to stand atop an elevated scissor lift in the middle of a hurricane.
If you don’t know why, go here.
Everyone knows that this kid was only up on that tower because Kelly made him go up there, which might as well classify Kelly as a murderer. He’s a dickhead, on top of that. Dude deserves to be in jail.
8. I would like to see David Stern get punched in the face by LeBron James.
Thus destroying Stern’s face, James’ career, and the NBA all at once.
9. I would like to see 950 KJR broadcast an Athletic Supporters basketball game.
They’re seriously considering this. I know this because they brought it up, not me.
For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, the Athletic Supporters are my rec basketball team. We play in a league in Mountlake Terrace and we’re pretty good. We’ve started this season 6-1, already clinched a playoff spot, and have three regular season games left on our schedule. We’re hoping to get a broadcast crew out with some equipment to call one of those games before we enter the postseason and take our quest for a title to the next level.
Here’s a suggestion. Never approach me with a zany idea. Because chances are I will like it, embrace it, and bring it to fruition right before your very eyes.
Take Karate Emergency, for example. Josh Sabrowsky had the idea for Karate Emergency exactly two weeks ago today (which is Thursday, as I’m writing this). We recorded our first official podcast two days ago. Our radio show went from conception to birth in 12 days. That’s insane turnaround time. It also proves how motivated I can be when I get really excited about something.
Right now, I’m really excited about the possibility of my friends over at KJR giving a play-by-play of our rec basketball action before the year is out. If nothing else, it would make a great podcast. They would get to milk every ridiculous call for a handful of listeners, and we would get to enjoy the satisfaction of quite possibly being the first recreational sports team ever to have our game aired by a mainstream media outlet. It’s history in the making.