*Update, 12:00 PM, Thursday, October 7th, 2010: Surrounded by friends, coworkers, family members, and most importantly, love, I have chosen to eat lunch on Thursday at the Thai place. The proprietor of the Thai place couldn’t be more thrilled. I called him immediately after the decision was made and he asked me, “Do you want spicy? How many star?” I do want spicy, I do. Three stars, please. No, you know what, let’s go for four, I’m feeling good today.
I just want to thank everyone who supported me in the decision-making process, and to all the haters out there, you go ahead and keep on hatin’, I’m bigger than your game. Thai food, here I come.
Tomorrow at noon, I will be making a potentially life-altering decision on my immediate future and I’d like for you to be in attendance. No, I’m not choosing a college (I’ve already graduated) or a pro sports franchise (I’ve been told I’m not good enough). This is much more important than that: I will be choosing my preferred lunch destination for the afternoon.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Why should anyone care where you have lunch tomorrow, son? That’s a good question, which I will answer with a question of my own: Why not? Why the heck not. If we’re letting teenagers grab us by the nuts and hold us hostage by picking hats off tables, there has to be more drama to be found in our everyday lives, am I right?
So here’s what I’m thinking.
First of all, I’m gonna need to hire an intern. And she’s gonna have to be hot. So there’s that.
Once I have my intern in place, I plan on sending her to all my favorite lunch destinations around town. There’s Casa D’s, Wendy’s, the Thai place, Jimmy John’s, and Mod Pizza. My hot intern is gonna go to all those places and pick up lunch for me. Five lunches in all. Then she’s gonna bring them back to the office.
Once she gets back, she’s gonna place the lunches on my desk in a neat little row. It’s gonna be awesome. I have a big desk, don’t worry.
At that point, I will call all my coworkers into my office. I will also call up the local media, and I’m sure you’ll be there, too. You will enter the room with your cameras and Erin Andrews, who will be fighting with my intern for the right to go out with me later in the evening. Erin will then interview me for half an hour, directly in front of a banner advertising the Eastside Family YMCA. That’s the YMCA where I grew up playing basketball. We’ll even bring in some youngsters to make it look like a real charity event. It’ll be fantastic, I promise.
After Erin gets done inflating my ego, I will prepare to announce the all-important decision. But before I do that, I’ll need to thank the man upstairs, acknowledge all the people who believed in me, and make sure that everyone knows this isn’t just about me. It’s not. Really.
With a throng of onlookers in my presence, and millions of individuals around the world looking on, I will select my preferred entree for the day. If John Calipari calls after I’ve made up my mind, I can always vomit and choose something else. It shouldn’t be a problem.
So what do you say? Are you interested? I gotta be honest, the potential here is limitless. We decide on lunch one day, but the next day it can be something entirely different. I make crucial decisions all the time. We can film me picking out what clothes I’m gonna wear, what music I’m gonna listen to in the car, what beer I’m gonna drink, what deodorant I’m gonna buy at the store. There are so many opportunities. And remember, it’s not just about me. That’s the important thing to keep in mind. It’s about everybody. Everybody wants in on this.
Let me know what you think, ESPN. I’m on Facebook and Twitter. And MySpace, too. But that’s only because I haven’t deleted my profile yet. Long story short, I’m easy to get ahold of. We’ll talk about it later.