The fact is, we don’t always get it right the first time. No one’s perfect. Hence, we dream about nailing our attempts on take two.
That’s why this list has been put together for your enjoyment. It’s an in-depth look at how I would do things differently if I could go back to my youth and give it another shot. With all the knowledge I have today at my disposal, of course.
So without further ado, let’s get on with the show. Because it’s only a matter of time before DeLoreans can fly and wormholes set the world on fire.
*Editor’s note: When visualizing me carrying out these scenarios, please picture a roly-poly young buck who looks a lot like the kid from the movie Up, as displayed to your right. Thank you.”
If I could go back in time, I would…
11. …have a chat with parents who felt it was their duty to bring healthy snacks to Little League games.
“Mrs. Johnson. Come over here, please. I need to talk to you for a minute. This is serious. It’ll only take a minute, I promise.
“Let me ask you something, Mrs. Johnson. What the hell do you think you’re doing here? Apple slices? Bottled water? Really? What the f**k is this? I can get apple slices or water anywhere. Anywhere. I could go drink from a hose and pull an apple off that tree over there if I wanted to. I could do that, and your snack selection would be rendered useless. I could lead a mutiny against you right now if I wanted to, and then your son, Billy, might never get a chance to play baseball again. Not that it really matters, because Billy just stands in right field and digs holes, anyways. And all the rest of us don’t like him because he picks his nose and then wipes it on the handle of the bat we all use. So screw Billy, I might go kick his ass right now, just because you brought this crap for us to eat.
“Look, Mrs. Johnson, I need you to go back to the supermarket and buy cookies and Capri Sun, then drive back here as fast as you can and atone. Atone for this horrible effing mistake. Never do this again, Mrs. Johnson. I mean it.
“Before you go, I need to tell you something. I’m disappointed in you, Mrs. Johnson. Not angry. Not mad. Just disappointed. You think about that on your way to the store. Now get the hell out of here.”
10. …list Chuck Norris as my favorite actor on those first-day-of-middle-school surveys we always had to share aloud.
I always put down Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler. Lame. Just think of the reaction Chuck Norris would have gotten. Blank stares, a “Who’s Chuck Norris, dweeb?” shout-out from one of the smart-ass kids, a reassuring “I’m sorry you blew it” pat on the back from the teacher.
But eight, nine years down the road? Every kid in that class would remember me and think, “Damn, that chubby kid was a freakin’ prophet.” Then who wins? Me, that’s who.
9. …start an anti-Howard Schultz campaign.
How great would that have been? Starting that thing before the dude even bought the Sonics. No one would get it. Especially coming from an eight-year-old. But it would probably be enough to keep that guy from getting in the way and screwing everything up. And that’s really the key.
8. …charge the mound after getting hit by my first pitch as a little kid.
Instead of, you know, crying and rubbing it.
7. …get in on the ground floor with girls who were ugly then, but hot now.
I would accomplish this feat by leaving inspirational messages in said girls’ yearbooks.
“What up, girl. Let me tell you something special. Now I know you’re a little down on yourself, since guys aren’t really paying attention to you right now, but I have good news for you. I’m here for you. Even if all those other guys ignore you, I’ll be here. And one day, who knows, maybe we’ll get together and make something happen. Probably not this year. Probably not next year. Probably not the year after that. But the following year? Yeah, we should totally hook up then. Let me know what you think. H.A.G.S.”
6. …bet on every sporting event that I could, knowing I would never lose.
Hey, it worked for Biff Tannen.
5. …master an Australian accent.
Absolutely key in getting women to think you’re hotter than you actually are.
4. …let the dogs out.
Then we would have our answer to the age-old question.
Plus, I would be bigger than the Baha Men.
3. …kick the playground bully’s ass on the first day of school.
Like going to prison and letting it be known that you won’t be anyone’s bitch. Except in this case, you’re basically preventing this jerk from growing up and forcing himself on women. So it’s a win-win-win for the past, present, and future.
Let’s hear it for vigilante time-travel.
2. …insist that my Boys and Girls Club basketball coach play me at point guard, instead of power forward.
“Coach, you’ve been playing me at power forward quite a bit, and I gotta say, this concerns me. Look, I get it. I’m one of the taller kids on this team, it makes sense. But let me tell you something, Coach. You’ve seen my parents. My dad is 5’10”. My mom is 5’7″. Do you really think I’m gonna stay this tall relative to my peers as time goes on? Add to that the fact that I’m half-Asian and you have a recipe for disaster. I am not Yao Ming, Coach. And even though you don’t know who Yao Ming is right now, you will someday, and then you’ll totally get that reference I just dropped.
“Here’s my plan, Coach. Play me at point guard and I’ll make this team a winner. That dude you have running the point right now isn’t even gonna be playing ball in three years. He’s gonna grow up and become a douchebag. I’ve seen the future, Coach, trust me on this. Let’s just bench him and get me in there. Or better yet, play him at power forward. I mean, what difference does it make anyways? This is the Bellevue Boys and Girls Club rec league. We’re a bunch of suburban kids who won’t get any bigger than 6’2″. At least give me a chance to raise my draft stock. Who knows what could happen? Maybe I’ll get a JuCo scholarship out of it or something.
“Sleep on it, Coach. You don’t have to answer right now. We’ll speak again later. Good talk, Coach, good talk.”
1. …clear the cache, rather than just delete the history.
This goes without saying, really, but I’ll say it anyways. Because someone out there who’s not quite as tech-savvy might not know about this trick, and that’s why Seattle Sportsnet is here. To help you out.
This is the gift that keeps on giving, by the way. Enjoy it.