The 2010 Seahawks Preview: Going Balls Deep With 53 Men

Matthew Hasselbeck

Were you sucked in by the title? Get it. Sucked in. Okay, enough of that.

This is it. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. The officially unofficial 2010 Seattle Seahawks preview. A forecast, if you will. Brought to you by Seattle Sportsnet. Where Leon Washington wears the name of the state he plays in on his back.

And now, without further ado, on to the player-by-player prognostication. Organized by position, with starters listed first.

*The asterisk denotes a starter. Not a steroid user or anything weird like that.

OFFENSE

QB – Matthew Hasselbeck*

Steve Raible calls him Matthew so I will too. I’d also like to add that a lot of writers put a comma directly after the word that precedes “too” in a sentence. F**k those guys. That comma is completely unnecessary.

I’ve always liked Hasselbeck. No, he doesn’t have the world’s strongest arm, nor is he what you would call “fantasy relevant” anymore. But in reality, he’s still a great leader under center, a winner, and a genuine human being. I drive past the guy’s house on my way to work. I saw him take his trash out in sweats once. You can’t get more real than that. I hope he can hang around for a few more years.

QB – Charlie Whitehurst

Looks like Jesus, plays like Jesus. Except the second “Jesus” in that last sentence is pronounced hay-zoos and you’re supposed to picture your waiter from the last time you went to Azteca.

That said, he’s better than Seneca. All those people who are still on the Willie Bloomquist-Seneca Wallace-Moochie Norris bandwagon are preparing to send off nasty emails. Let me make it easier for you. Click here.

QB – Zac Robinson

He’s currently on the practice squad, but he’s the only quarterback we have left on the roster. I know. I was shocked when he dropped UFL superstar J.P. Losman, too. (Note the comma after the word preceding “too.”)

Robinson is the guy who quarterbacked Oklahoma State University the past few years. He’s a rookie and I guess there’s potential there. But personally, I’d rather we sign Nate Davis.

RB – Justin Forsett*

I liked Forsett when he was backing up Julius Jones. Now that he’s the starter, I’m lukewarm. That’s very picky of me, I realize that. I liken this feeling to what I call the “thrill of the chase.”

What is the “thrill of the chase,” you ask? Fantastic question. Quite simply, it’s that feeling of euphoria you get when you’re in hot pursuit of a fine piece of ass. You know what I’m talking about. While you’re chasing down a girl or guy who might be with someone else or may be resisting your advances, you can’t get enough of their presence. But when you finally land that guy or girl? The feeling wears off and your emotions stagnate. That’s where I’m at with Forsett. Rekindle the flame, Justin.

RB – Quinton Ganther*

They say that in power formations, Ganther will line up as our fullback. That’s all I know about him. He’s listed at 5’9″, 220, however. I was 5’9″, 220 once. So he can’t be that good.

RB – Julius Jones

I feel like Julius could be really good if he wasn’t soft. There, I said it. You’re soft, Julius. You need to gain an edge. Maybe you’ll read this and get that edge. I need you to channel Stephen Root’s character in Dodgeball. If you can do that, the sky’s the limit.

RB – Michael Robinson

He used to be a quarterback at Penn State, and I did hear Coach Pete drop the word “Wildcat” in conjunction with Robinson’s name. So we have that to look forward to.

RB – Leon Washington

Of all our running backs, he excites me the most. That is all.

RB – Chris Henry

He’s on the practice squad. And he’s not that Chris Henry.

WR – Deion Branch*

How surprised are you? Surprised that after all these big-name players have been dismissed, and after we’ve spent literally the past two years talking about Branch getting cut, not only is Deion still here, but he’s a starter. I’m stunned, to be honest.

Deion is like Milton Waddams from Office Space. He just sits in the corner getting paid, despite the fact that he was laid off years ago. Eventually, someone’s gonna come along and fix the glitch. And then what? He’ll set the building on fire.

WR – Mike Williams*

I feel the same way about BMW that I felt about Josh Hamilton with the Cincinnati Reds prior to the 2007 baseball season. I’ve taken Mike in almost all of my fantasy drafts. I’m considering buying his jersey. I just have this hunch that he is going to go off. Off off. The kind of off that makes you forget about dudes with ponytails who talk s**t. Like any dude with a ponytail should ever be allowed to do that.

WR – Deon Butler

Deon never got much of a chance last year as a rookie. And even this year people would rather talk about the baby in the family, Golden Tate. Which leads me to believe that Butler is going to surprise everyone and emerge as the legitimate third option in this receiving corps. And if they fix that glitch with Branch, Butler will be your starter. Fo realz.

WR – Ben Obomanu

Obomanu is like Voldemort. You cannot get rid of him. This is fifth season with the Seahawks, and I’m almost positive that he’s been released 17 or 18 times already. And yet somehow he clings. I like him though, and if there were an award for ultimate resilience, he would win it.

WR – Golden Tate

I saw a guy wearing a customized Seahawks jersey that had the name MAPLE BAR on the back with Tate’s number 81 attached. Just thought I’d share.

WR – Patrick Williams

With a name like Patrick Williams, he’ll be lucky to stay on the practice squad all year.

WR – Isaiah Stanback

Stanback is on injured reserve. Look, I don’t care what happens between this year and next. If the Seahawks don’t give Stanback another shot in 2011, I’ll be pissed. I still wear his UW replica jersey to Husky games.

TE – John Carlson*

Carlson didn’t have a great preseason. But Hasselbeck can’t throw the ball all that far, so you know Carlson will get his looks this year. That’s just a fact.

TE – Chris Baker

I’m not going to BS you. All I know about Baker is he’s a veteran who’s a middle-of-the-road pass catcher. Meh.

TE – Anthony McCoy

I love Anthony McCoy. I had him on my Seattle Times Pac-10 fantasy squad last year. All I can say is, thank goodness for marijuana.

TE – Cameron Morrah

He doesn’t know how to spell Mora.

TE – Jameson Konz

An unheralded rookie on injured reserve. Like being the lucky bastard who walks away with a million dollar settlement after a car crash.

Russell Okung

OT – Russell Okung*

We’ll call him a starter, even though he won’t play for a game or two. He’s no Tyler Polumbus, though. I will say that.

OT – Tyler Polumbus*

The guy who gets to start at left tackle in place of Okung. Coach Pete calls him “Troy.” Many have confused his surname to read “Columbus.” I have combined the two misnomers and dubbed him Troy Columbus. That’s a man’s name right there. The kind of name you’d expect a male pornstar to have. Troy Columbus Rides Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria, an original production. Coming to a desktop near you.

OT – Sean Locklear*

If Locklear lasts the season with this team, it will be a major coup.

OG – Mike Gibson*

I do not know who this is. He’ll be your week one starter at left guard, however. But even after that, I still won’t know who he is.

OG – Max Unger*

You know how there are some fans out there who overlook a player’s college ties when he joins their local pro team? I’m not one of those fans. Unger is a Duck. I hate Ducks. If it makes you feel any better, I hated Luke Ridnour’s ass too. I’m an equal opportunity Duck-hater.

OG – Stacy Andrews

You don’t hear a lot of good things about athletes named Stacy.

OG – Evan Dietrich-Smith

He’s a Hyphen-Smith. Watch out.

OG – Ben Hamilton

People are shocked that he wasn’t named the starter at left guard over Gibson. Says the guy who doesn’t know who either of these people are.

OG – Chester Pitts

Another dude who, like Troy Columbus before him, has a man’s name. My grandpa’s name was Chester. He was a man’s man. I’m a fan of guys named Chester. And if that weren’t enough reason to jump on the Pitts bandwagon, take note of his jersey number: 69. Everyone loves the guy who wears 69.

OG – Ray Willis

I do know who Willis is, and it’s a shame that he’s on injured reserve. This guy has been the Marco Scutaro of the offensive line the past few years.

C – Chris Spencer*

This dude’s still around?

C – Lemuel Jeanpierre

He’s on the practice squad. If his name is any indication, he could be the Erik Bedard of this ballclub.

DEFENSE

DT – Colin Cole*

He’s really big. And he has a Twitter account. I wonder how a guy that big Tweets from his cell phone. That must be tough with giant thumbs like that.

DT – Brandon Mebane*

Mebane is the same age as me. This makes me feel bad for some reason.

DT – Junior Siavii

I don’t know who this guy is. But I do know that he’s a Duck. So he probably fires BBs at water fowl and steals laptops in his spare time.

DE – Red Bryant*

The only black guy named Red that I know of. Besides Red from The Shawshank Redemption. But I’m pretty sure he was fictional.

Chris Clemons

DE – Chris Clemons*

I saw an interview with Clemons after the Hawks’ first preseason game, and I came to this conclusion: If you combined Caron Butler’s face with Anquan Boldin’s face, then darkened the hue, you would have Chris Clemons. But don’t use the picture to the left as a barometer. It does my theory very little justice.

DE – Kentwan Balmer

I’ve passed along my thoughts on Kentwan previously. He has the first name of a second-hand Jedi.

DE – Raheem Brock

He attended college at Temple University. I have a friend named John who’s a big Temple fan. Back in 2004, I used to give John all sorts of crap about Rick Brunson, a journeyman guard who was playing for the Sonics at the time. I would tell him that Brunson was the greatest athlete to ever emerge from Temple, at which point John would undoubtedly rebut with names like Eddie Jones and Aaron McKie. I would then look John in the eye and say something along the lines of, “Really? You’re really gonna throw those two guys at me and expect me to be impressed?” Well guess what, John. At least now you have Raheem Brock to fall back on.

Boom. Roasted.

DE – Dexter Davis

I like Davis. He’s a rookie who played at Arizona State, so most Pac-10 football fans should recognize the name. He’s a little undersized at 6’1″, but he could easily be this year’s Nick Reed. If not better. And I’d put money on better.

DE – E.J. Wilson

He’s a rookie from North Carolina. I hear he has a mean jump shot.

DE – James Wyche

Practice squad. Do you even care? Yeah, me neither.

LB – David Hawthorne*

If he doesn’t start all year — ALL YEAR — I will consider boycotting this team.

LB – Lofa Tatupu*

I wear his jersey. Because he’s bad ass. And because four people have told me I look like him, including two strangers. I don’t really think I look like him though. I think he looks like me. Heh.

LB – Aaron Curry*

The expectations placed on his shoulders are enormous. He needs to live up them. I think he can do it. I hope he can do it. Please let him do it.

LB – Leroy Hill

There’s no guarantee he’ll be starting when he returns from his suspension. There’s no guarantee he’ll be a Seahawk by the end of the year, either.

LB – Will Herring

He’s the Jon Brockman of the Seahawks defense.

LB – Matt McCoy

I doubt he’s related to Anthony. But you never know.

LB – Joe Pawelek

Rookie. Practice squad. All you need to know.

LB – Anthony Heygood

He’s on IR. His last name is fun.

CB – Kelly Jennings*

I saw Jennings at the mall once. He has a head like a Martian and might be 5’9″ on a good day. They list him at 5’11”, however. Which is dumb. Might as well put him at 6’0″ and let him earn a few more bucks each year. If you’re gonna lie, lie big.

CB – Marcus Trufant*

A brief anecdote on Trufant. A few summers ago, he started coming to the YMCA that I frequented. While I lifted weights and ran, he would play basketball with the old-timers that spent their lunch hours running pickup games. One day, a few of the old-timers brought in some stuff for Trufant to autograph. Not only did Trufant sign all their merchandise, he chatted the guys up and seemed genuinely happy to be interacting with these forty- and fifty-somethings who were prepared to go home and surprise their kids with a football signed by a Pro Bowl cornerback. It was pretty cool. I’ll always respect him for that.

Roy Lewis

CB – Roy Lewis

I love Roy Lewis. The fact that he was able to emerge from the darkness of the Tyrone Willingham era and scrap and claw his way onto an NFL roster is flat-out awesome. Makes me proud to be a fellow Husky. Get it, Roy.

CB – Walter Thurmond

Duck.

CB – Kennard Cox

No idea.

CB – Nate Ness

See Kennard Cox.

CB – Marcus Brown

See Joe Pawelek.

CB – Ross Weaver

See Marcus Brown.

CB – Josh Pinkard

He’s a rookie out of USC (surprised?) who’s currently on the non-football related injury reserve list. Yes, they do have that.

S – Lawyer Milloy*

I love that at 36 years of age, and in his 15th season out of the University of Washington, Lawyer is still a starter in the NFL. I love that.

S – Earl Thomas*

He’s gonna be good. Really good.

S – Jordan Babineaux

Currently riding the Pete Carroll roller coaster. From a starter a year ago, to being in limbo at the start of camp, to being cut after the last preseason game, to re-signing with the club two days later. And so it goes.

S – Kam Chancellor

A rookie out of Virginia Tech who’s supposed to be halfway-decent. My Kam Chancellor trivia comes to an abrupt halt right there.

Special Teams

K – Olindo Mare

I was hoping after last year that either a) Dick Stockton would retire from broadcasting, or b) we’d find a new kicker. Neither of these things happened.

P – Jon Ryan

You know my theory on never trusting ginger athletes? That does not apply to Jon Ryan.

LS – Clint Gresham

His name is Clint, so he probably doesn’t suck.

That’s it, folks. Fifty-three (53) active roster players, eight (8) practice squadders, four (4) injured reservists, and two (2) other reservists. So we actually went balls deep with 67 men. Impressed? Annabel Chong’s not. She holds the world record for going balls deep with 70 men. I looked it up. Wikipedia. You’re welcome.

7 thoughts on “The 2010 Seahawks Preview: Going Balls Deep With 53 Men”

  1. Totally agree with you on Hasselbeck. He’s going to be the best option until his predecessor is in on the roster (which he is not). Hass is better than Whitehurst this year, the next year, and possibly even the year after that.

    As for black guys named Red… dontcha remember Red Fox? Hilarious!

  2. I played basketball recently with a black guy named Red. But he did have orangish hair and he wore red, so maybe it was just a not-so-clever nickname. He was a beast on the court though.

  3. He may not be fantasy relevant but Brady hurt his vagina today….I foresee Hasselbeck becoming a member of the Honkies in the near future

  4. EJ Wilson and Walter Thurmond have come into my work a few times. Definitely nice dudes. They had to put up with us trying to use our shitty order systems to fix their purchases for about fourty-five minutes and both seemed unfazed and cool about it.

    And at least from my past experiences, I’ll say that Trufant and Curry are also genuinely nice people.

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