…Jose Lopez would be screwing up my order at Wendy’s right now.
…Ryan Rowland-Smith would be back in Sydney blowing a didgeridoo.
…Brandon League would be ruining people’s lives at Supercuts.
…David Pauley would be on the practice squad.
…Chone Figgins would be training for his bout with Manny Pacquiao.
…Rob Johnson would be tending to a horse farm in Montana.
…Jack Wilson would be auditioning for the next installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.
…Russell Branyan would still be a Cleveland Indian.
…Justin Smoak would be playing first base right now.
…Casey Kotchman would be the worst-hitting, best-fielding slow-pitch softball player you’ve ever seen.
…Chuck Armstrong would be capitalizing on the early-bird specials at Shari’s as we speak.
…Howard Lincoln would be back in Japan pretending he knows something about video games.
…Josh Wilson would be delivering papers. Just kidding, he’d be our starting shortstop.
…Jamey Wright would be just another tall guy.
…John Wetteland would be a douchebag in someone else’s bullpen. And if you haven’t experienced the d-bagginess of Wetteland, the team’s bullpen coach, head on out to the ‘pen some time and check it out.
…Daren Brown would be leading the Tacoma Rainiers to a division title.
…Bobby Valentine would be eating sushi with Ichiro.
…Matt Tuiasosopo and Michael Saunders would be in the lineup every day.
…Miguel Tejada, Vladimir Guerrero, Rafael Soriano, Shin-Soo Choo, Asdrubal Cabrera, and Luis Valbuena would be on the team.
There’s more, I’m sure, but this is good for now. Feel free to add to the list in the comments section.