Irrational Game Predictions: BYU vs. UW

The game as it would happen in my dreams. Because my dreams are BANGIN!

Quarter 1

After winning the coin flip and deferring, the Huskies kick off to start the game. As Erik Folk tees up the football, a buzz emerges from the opposite end of the stadium. A streaker darts across the field. Play is momentarily halted as security guards chase after the streaker, who manages to avoid them while running 100 yards untouched to the opposite goal post. He continues running down a tunnel and out of sight. The streaker is later identified as Harvey Unga. Play resumes.

Folk kicks it away and the ball sails five yards deep into the end zone. The BYU return man brings the ball out and is subsequently flattened on the one-yard line by a gang of Huskies who comment on the return man’s sister while they have him pinned to the turf. The return man staggers to his feet, content to repress his anger for the time being.

(Forty years from now, a lifetime of repressed emotions will finally take their toll on this Mormon in the middle of a jai alai game. A renowned jai alai player at the age of 60, the one-time Cougar kick returner will react to a sexually-degrading remark from his opponent by flinging the pelota at his assailant’s testicles, then beating the hell out of his adversary with his xistera. Later, while being checked into a mental health facility, the ex-football player will recount September 4, 2010 as the day his life really started to spiral out of control.)

Jake Heaps runs onto the field as the BYU starting quarterback. He takes the snap in his own end zone and drops back, looking for Kasen Williams. Realizing that he is no longer in high school, Heaps has just enough time to witness his life flash before his eyes as Mason Foster blows past two blocks and absolutely crushes him for a safety. The Dawgs take a 2-0 lead. The BYU punter runs out onto the field to perform the goofy-looking free kick following the defensive triumph.

The Huskies take over on offense and their first series goes as follows:

  • Jake Locker receives the snap and hands the ball to Chris Polk for a gain of 11 yards. Polk sheds four would-be tacklers on the play and also stiff-arms a defensive end whose head falls off after receiving such a devastating blow to the face.
  • After the decapitated BYU defender is removed from the field in two pieces, play resumes and Locker finds tight end Chris Izbicki for a short gain of six. Somewhere, Kavario Middleton is smoking a blunt and playing NCAA Football ’11 on PSP.
  • On second-and-four, Locker takes the snap, rolls out of the pocket, checks his watch, signs an autograph, does The Perfect Cast from A Goofy Movie, watches an episode of Degrassi Junior High, devours a cheeseburger, takes a quick nap, sack-taps Heaps crying on the sideline and tells him to keep his chin up, then launches a 50-yard bomb to the corner of the end zone where Cody Bruns — yes, Cody Bruns — hauls in the first touchdown of the year for the Dawgs. 8-0 Huskies. Folk nails the extra point, then spins around and does the splits.

Quarter Two

Armed with a 45-point lead after a record-breaking first period, Keith Price enters the game as a hush falls over the stadium. No one in Provo has ever seen a black quarterback before. They have heard of this mythical creature, but like the fabled Winged Unicorn of Nazareth, they were unaware that such a legend did, in fact, exist.

Halftime

The BYU marching band takes the field and delivers a rousing rendition of Donny Osmond’s Puppy Love.

Quarter Three

Now up 103-0, the Huskies put the starters back in just for the hell of it. Locker leads the Dawgs on two more scoring drives before stalling late in the period. Facing a fourth-and-long, Washington lines up in punt formation.

In a scene right out of Madden, punter Will Mahan takes the snap and fakes the kick before pulling the ball down and looking to pass. He dances around in the quickly-collapsing pocket before reaching back and heaving a missile into the stratosphere.

Darting past two unsuspecting defenders, Cody Bruns — yes, Cody Bruns once again — looks up just in time to see the football over his right shoulder. He reaches out and makes the grab as the defenders collide, knocking each other unconscious in the process. Unscathed by the collision, Bruns jumps on the back of a cheetah that has strayed onto the playing surface and rides the final thirty yards into the end zone for a score.

Fourth Quarter

Losing by a count of 124-0, BYU head coach Bronco Mendenhall calls the referees over and announces that his team has forfeited. At the same time, he also reveals that his real first name is Kelly, thus destroying the legend of Bronco and breaking hearts everywhere.

Post-game

While being interviewed in the post-game press conference, UW head coach Steve Sarkisian declares himself to be the red Power Ranger and runs off to marry Larisa Oleynick from The Secret World of Alex Mack. What? All good dreams morph into something weird at the end.

8 thoughts on “Irrational Game Predictions: BYU vs. UW”

  1. The work that goes into analyzing numbers is tedious, I’m not gonna lie. But the feeling of satisfaction I get knowing I’ve made a well-calculated prediction is worth it.

  2. “Somewhere, Kavario Middleton is smoking a blunt and playing NCAA Football ’11 on PSP.”

    That was by far the most accurate sentence in this.

  3. Yeah Phil, there shouldn’t be crap like this on the internet… nevermind kiddy porn and such…it’s someone’s humorous take on sports on their personal website that is “wasting space” on the internet. Cock.

    Anyways, hilarious and completely possible.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s