As of July 31, 2010, I am an ordained minister. I filled out a form online, read through a few FAQs, and was subsequently granted ordination by the Universal Life Church of Seattle.
I know what you’re thinking. And the answer is no. I’m not what you would call very religious. In fact, I try to avoid the topic of religion since it tends to be rather divisive amongst different groups of people. That said, religion is still very important to many folks, and that is something we can all respect.
Whether you happen to be a believer or not, one thing is clear: we need to shake things up a bit around here. I’ve decided to do that by taking the necessary steps to get God on our side. In the process, I’ve chosen to make the goal of my ordained ministry this: To assist in the overall welfare of our local sports teams, both collegiate and professional, while also presiding over marriages when asked to do so by willing partners in the sacred union of two souls. In essence, I’ve decided to help our teams find the way. And also wed people. But that’s a side practice.
How do we define “the way,” you ask? Well that’s a good question. A question that is best left open to interpretation. A question that perhaps will be answered in time. But not right now. For now is too soon. And here at The Ordained Ministry of Seattle Sportsnet, we never rush to settle things. Our motto is “Chill or Be Chilled.” We live by that. So cool out, homey. It’s all good.
What we do know is that our teams need saving. That’s a given. The Ordained Ministry of Seattle Sportsnet is here to help save those teams. It’s our calling, and as the Universal Life Church will tell you, fulfilling one’s calling is quite possibly the greatest reason to become an ordained minister in the first place.
Fellow Seattle sports fans, by the power vested in me, I proclaim this moment the beginning of the turnaround. From this day forward, our teams will follow the path to salvation, to righteousness, to success, to championships. We will stand together and revel in their glory. We will marvel at their greatness. We will reap the benefits of their goodness. We will celebrate together. We will live. We will love. We will laugh. We will be merry.
Fellow Seattle sports fans, I encourage you to believe. Believe in me. Believe in The Ordained Ministry of Seattle Sportsnet. Believe in one another. Believe in the possibilities. Believe in what we can accomplish together. United we stand, divided we fall. Together, we can achieve anything, conquer everything, and win it all. These beliefs we will preach. These mantras we will repeat.
I hope someday you’ll join us, fellow Seattle sports fans, and the world will be as one.