Larry Stone thinks Stephen Strasburg should be an All-Star. No one seems to agree with him. Except me. I feel you, Larry.
Here’s the thing. I have a theory about sports fans. If a writer proposes a semi-outlandish point of contention, self-righteous know-it-all bastard fans will seize the opportunity to showcase their knowledge in the comments section of said article by disputing the topic at hand, and simultaneously crucifying the writer in question. Yes, I just said that. Yes, I might be talking about you. Unlike Larry, no one’s paying me to write this, hence I can force you arrogant SOBs to take it right in the ‘nads.
Larry’s been trumpeting the cause for Strasburg as an All-Star for all of a few days. Throughout that duration, everyone and their mom — including Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu — has chastised Larry for his controversial opinion.
The All-Star Game is about the fans. And how many fans wouldn’t want to see Strasburg pitch in Anaheim come July 13th?
You can’t tell me that you don’t get excited when Strasburg is on the mound. He’s quite possibly the nastiest pitcher we have ever seen. EVER!! No one else in the history of mankind has thrown a 92-mile-per-hour changeup. Not until this dude came along, at least. Add in a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and an unhittable slurve and you have a ridiculous arsenal that every pitcher in America would like to boast.
Allow me to breakdown a list of the things that Strasburg has accomplished during his short time in the bigs:
- He has made the Washington Nationals relevant for the first time in their brief history (and no, Major League Baseball, I do not consider the Nationals to share the same franchise history as the Montreal Expos, just like I don’t consider the Oklahoma City F***tards to share the same franchise history as my Seattle Supersonics).
- He has forced powerhouse television networks like TBS and FOX to alter their broadcast schedules because of him. No one else can say that they’ve done that. Not even George Lopez.
- He has sold merchandise better than a busty blonde men’s shoe salesman in a low-cut top. In case you hadn’t heard, Stephen Strasburg apparel is hotter than Ed Hardy or Affliction clothing ever was. And the good news? In wearing a Strasburg shirt, you won’t look like a complete douchebag.
- He has forced his way into the All-Star conversation after just six starts. Six. That alone is an accomplishment. Were Strasburg to receive an All-Star nod this year, he would have appeared in fewer career games than any All-Star that ever preceded him. That’s impressive.
So why not send him to Anaheim? The dude is a legit phenom. He’s like LeBron James, except he doesn’t have Donyell Marshall to dish off to when the pressure’s on. He has to shoulder the load himself. Like a real man.
You’re telling me you’d rather watch Evan Meek or Matt Capps take the hill for the National League in the waning innings of a close game? Right. I challenge you to try and remain calm when Capps’ fat behind comes marching in from the ‘pen in an attempt to mow down John Buck. All-Star Game, my ass.
I’ll tell you what. No matter how often MLB tells me that the All-Star Game “counts” (tell that to my last-place team, Bud), I’m only tuning in for individual performances. And Strasburg embodies the individual performance more than anyone else in the game right now.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Watching Stephen Strasburg pitch is like watching porn. You might not know exactly why you’re watching, but you do know that you’re excited by what you see, and you simply can’t take your eyes off of it. Tell me that’s not Strasburg in a nutshell. I dare you. You can’t do it. Strasburg is boneriffic.
I’m taking a stand. If Strasburg finds his way onto the NL roster (which is still a distinct possibility, as players will get injured or back out in coming days), I’ll watch the All-Star Game. And if he doesn’t, I’ll find something else to do. It’s as simple as that.
I have issued my demands, Major League Baseball. You have nine days. (“They always give an ultimatum.” — Michael Scott.)