We were going to form the Pac-16, a monstrosity of a conference that would have all but eliminated the term “West Coast bias” from memory.
We would have been all-powerful, like the Superfriends, or the X-Men, or even Jay-Z and Beyonce.
We could have had it all. And we choked. We did. We blew it. Instead of forming the Pac-16, we’re currently the Pac-11, with the Big 12’s former redheaded stepchild as our latest addition. Colorado. Home of scandal and subpar performances. It’s like adding another Oregon State. Yeah, think about that for a minute.
Now, in order to create some sort of balance within our oddly-numbered league, we’re going to be forced to add a Utah, or a BYU, or a Boise State to our conference of champions. Because nothing says “champion” like Boise State.
In the most basic of senses, adding Colorado to the Pac is progress. We grew by one. But as most sports fans can tell you, this is no victory.
What does Colorado bring to the table? Their football team used to be great. When Rick Neuheisel was running the show. And we all know what that entails. Not to mention the Katie Hnida saga (Google it). They’ve been beset by scandal over the years, and now they’re our responsibility. Like a crappy version of USC.
Geographically, they cause more harm than good. Are we planning on adding Colorado State next, just to preserve the natural rivalries in our conference? Is Northern Colorado looking for a home? Is there even a Northern Colorado? These are questions we need to be asking ourselves at this point.
I don’t mean to rain on what should be a parade (I guess), but it’s almost like the Big 12 baited us into taking Colorado off their hands. They led us to believe we’d be getting six schools to come out and play with us. Instead we got one. One of the worst, in fact. And now we’re stuck with them. We went to the dealership looking for a Ferrari, and we walked away with a Yugo. Yikes.
Sorry, Colorado, I don’t mean to pick on you like this, but come on. Even you have to admit that your track record is less than stellar. I challenge you to give me your elevator pitch. Why should I be excited about the Buffaloes? Why should any of us be excited, for that matter? What is so damn exciting about a freakin Buffalo?
I’m not mad at Larry Scott for trying. As Pac-10 commissioner, he’s already light years ahead of where Tom Hansen was. I’m pretty sure that outside of signing the conference’s contract with FSN every year, Hansen didn’t do anything. He probably played Farmville on Facebook. That seems like the sort of dumbass game a guy like him would be into. Farmville. It’s like Sim City, minus the city. It’s just Sim.
That said, even though I give Scott an “A” for effort, he gets a D-minus for sealing the deal. He’s like Willie Bloomquist right now. Dude sure tries hard, but he’s just not good enough to get the job done.
So here we are, married to Colorado’s ass. Like marrying a chick who gains 20 pounds on the honeymoon. You already know you’re screwed. And yet the paperwork won’t let you back out so easily. Damn.
I’ll admit I was excited about the Pac-16. The Pac-16 was going to be the greatest mish-mash of things that didn’t necessarily belong together since the Power Rangers first formed the Megazord. We could have had a saber tooth tiger for our right leg, a triceratops for our left leg, and the arms of a woolly mammoth. Our right leg could eat you. Our left leg could gore you with its horn. Our arms are useless, but whatever. Fact is, we could have been special and kicked a lot of out-of-conference ass.
Instead, we’re just the Pac-10 plus Colorado. The eleventh wheel. It’s like an orgy gone awkwardly awry.
I wish I had a witty line to end this bitch on, but I don’t. I’m out of witticism. The Pac-10 plus Colorado (which is what I just decided I’m going to call the conference from now on, like Jon and Kate Plus Eight, except not, because now it’s Kate Plus Eight and Jon Minus Nine) has sapped me of my ability to conclude my own articles. Son of a b. This could have lasting repercussions. Thanks, Buffaloes.