A big sarcastic thank you for not picking up the one Mariners game I really want to watch this year. The team is wearing their 1995 teal jerseys (which, I might add, FSN keeps referring to as “green” for some reason), it’s a sunny day, and you could fill the gaps with highlight footage from the miracle season.
FSN, I would like to take this opportunity now to counter your inevitable rebuttal: Yes, I could have just gone to the game. But frankly, I wanted to spend my morning playing basketball at Greenlake, and I did that. It was a great time, I enjoyed it. But sadly, my day is incomplete now that I have come home to find that the M’s aren’t on TV. They’re always on TV, and yet they’re not on TV today. WTF.
That’s basically the end of my letter to FSN. Now for some context.
You may be asking yourselves what my whining has to do with the title of this post. It’s simple, really. Howard Schultz, who we all know is cousins with Satan, is also in charge of FSN. This is my conspiracy theory. Because Satan aka Lucifer aka The Devil aka The Ruler of the Underworld is clearly evil, Schlutzy is evil, and FSN has evil tendencies. They do. And that’s why I figure they’re all in partnership together.
It’s not so far-fetched. You’ve probably noticed that all the women currently working at Fox Sports Northwest have started wearing increasingly lower-cut tops. Can’t you just picture Howard Schultz chomping on a stogie while sipping a latte, telling these ladies to show more cleavage? I can. And let me add this. The first time I heard about Ben Roethlisberger uttering his now infamous quote — “All my bitches take some shots!” — at that sleazy bar in Georgia, I pictured Schlutz. And I pictured espresso shots. And I pictured the women at FSN being forced to endure this madness while a miniature Satan in Schlutz’s likeness sat perched on Schlutzy’s shoulder, laughing.
This is all your fault, Schlutz. Just like everything else. Way to go.
At least Husky softball is on. But if we lose, it’s Schlutz’s fault again. You better cross your fingers, Schlutz.