One individual close to the situation — a small-business entrepreneur by the name of Bob A. Fett — has revealed to Seattle Sportsnet that it was Schultz who provided White with the drugs he is now rumored to have ingested, thus leading to his departure on Friday from the Seahawks organization. Fett, a self-proclaimed giant of the head-hunting industry, speaks no English. He communicated this information to us through a translator fluent in Fett’s native language of Mandalorian.
Though it remains unclear why a man who has caused so much harm to the city of Seattle would begin attacking local athletes, we can only speculate that Schultz is attempting to cover up the bad P.R. of a recent promotional stunt gone horribly awry.
In a weak attempt at redemption, Schultz and Starbucks orchestrated a “We Love You Seattle” Facebook campaign that preyed on the good nature of Seattleites. The purpose of the campaign was to provide local patrons with free tickets to various events in the Puget Sound region, likely with the ulterior motive of regaining the trust of a citizenry that had been previously betrayed when Schultz jettisoned the city’s one and only NBA franchise to Oklahoma City.
Instead, the plan blew up in Schultz’s face, as loyal Sonics fans used the Facebook event page as a forum to vent their longstanding frustration with the java pariah. Starbucks then responded by shutting down the wall (i.e. the message board) for the event on Thursday night, a move which was later reconsidered less than 24 hours later.
Now back to being fully operational, the “We Love You Seattle” wall has once again turned into a Schultz hatefest. All of which has led Schultz to allegedly divert attention from his public relations nightmare by forcing the Seattle Seahawks to cut the enigmatic White, a former tequila addict who has had his share of troubles in the past.
What would possess a public figure like Schultz to carry out such an act of evil? Perhaps our source can further enlighten us.
Fett described Schultz as a man filled with rage over his outcasting from society. In previous contractual agreements with Schultz, Fett had been put in harm’s way on multiple occasions, escaping death in outer space at least five times on missions that the head-hunter described as “futile.” That prompted Fett to break off further working arrangements with the owner of Starbucks.
Asked what he thinks of Schultz now, Fett referred to his one-time boss as a “wingless pigeon of rodent descent with an affinity for violating senior citizens who enjoy cherry pie.” Harsh words, to say the least.
For now, we await the reaction of a man who has wronged the city of Seattle in so many ways, on so many occasions. If Howard Schultz intends to escape the wrath of his greatest detractors, he must eventually emerge from the shadows of his own wrongdoings. Because it is clear, at this point, that Seattle will never forget.