The Mariners marketing staff is pretty good, but they always leave out a few giveaways that we could all enjoy. Here are 11 new promotions that would put butts in Safeco Field’s empty seats.
11. Rob Johnson Three-Quarter Mitt Night
Remember those cheap-o imitation leather mitts the M’s used to giveaway when you were a kid? This is kind of like that, except you only get three-quarters of a glove. Everything but the webbing. Just like the catcher’s mitt that Rob uses.
10. Ichiro-Designed Underwear Night
The Ichiro-Designed T-Shirt Night was a huge success, so it’s about time the M’s moved onto different types of apparel, such as underwear. Enjoy your mesh, leopard-print banana sling, Mariners fans.
9. Willie Bloomquist Senior T-Shirt Day
What better way to honor senior citizens than by handing out Willie Bloomquist t-shirts? Like Frederick & Nelson, soda fountains, and record players, Bloomquist is just another one of those things that old folks can’t understand is gone.
8. Take Off Your Own Shirt And Wave It Night
Every time the Mariners give away a t-shirt, they encourage fans to “WAVE THOSE SHIRTS!” whenever something exciting happens in that night’s game. Like actually wearing your shirt would be a crime, or something.
Anyways, since the team can’t hand out shirts every single night, why not encourage fans to take off their own shirts and wave those over their heads on occasion? It’s cheap, it’s fun, and if the right people participate it might give you a boner. Yay.
7. Cliff Lee Trading Pool Day
You all know about baby pools, right? People chip in a few bucks and guess on which day some chick is gonna pop out her baby. Whoever picks the correct day wins all the money. Simple as that.
Cliff Lee Trading Pool Day is a lot like that, except everyone pitches in to predict which day Lee will be dealt to a contender. Come to the ballpark with cash in hand and make your selection, winner take all.
6. Brandon League Haircut Night
It’s a lot like Buhner Buzz Night except you’ll look a little more gay and all your inherited runners will score. So…yeah.
5. Casey Kotchman Night
An all-inclusive promotion that incorporates the following events:
a) All beer will sell for whatever Kotchman happens to be hitting at the time.
b) For every hit Kotchman gets, Mike Carp and Ryan Langerhans get punched in the face.
c) If Kotchman goes hitless, Carp and Langerhans each get to kick him in the nuts.
d) If Kotchman fails to reach base entirely, Jack Zduriencik must run around the bases wearing only a sign that says “Casey Kotchman’s #1 Fan.”
4. Mariners Trading Card Day*
A team set of trading cards.
*That consists of former Mariners who are currently screwing Seattle by performing at a pretty high level. Those players include:
P – Ryan Franklin, Brian Fuentes, Freddy Garcia, Derek Lowe, Gil Meche, Jamie Moyer, Arthur Rhodes, George Sherrill, Carlos Silva, Rafael Soriano, Matt Thornton, Jeff Weaver
C – Miguel Olivo, Yorvit Torrealba, Jason Varitek
1B – David Ortiz
2B – Willie Bloomquist, Luis Valbuena
3B – Alex Rodriguez
SS – Asdrubal Cabrera, Carlos Guillen, Omar Vizquel
OF – Shin Soo Choo, Jose Guillen, Raul Ibanez, Adam Jones
3. Chone Figgins Bat Night
Bat Night was pretty much the greatest giveaway when you were growing up, right? Well, Chone Figgins Bat Night will almost bring back some of those memories you have from your childhood. Almost.
This limited edition Figgins bat makes a great souvenir, but don’t take it out to the field if you want to have any success. The Figgins bat is designed to sit squarely on your shoulder and is not meant for swinging of any kind. You’ve been warned.
2. Mike Sweeney Hug-And-Bullet Night
The first 20,000 fans in attendance will get their choice of giveaways at the gate. You can either a) receive a genuine hug from Mike Sweeney, or b) have Mike Sweeney take a bullet for you.
So this is what it feels like to be a major leaguer.
1. Junior Pillow Night
Yeah, this goes without saying.