Congratulations To Terrence Jones and the 2011 NCAA Champion Kentucky Wildcats*

As a fan of the Washington Huskies, I want to be the first to congratulate Terrence Jones and the Kentucky Wildcats on their impending 2011 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship. Winning a title in any sport is no small achievement, but when you’re a team of destiny, it’s simply not in the cards to fail.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, where’s the punch line? Where’s the anger? Where’s the fire? You should be upset over Jones’ de-commitment to UW. You should be chastising Kentucky head coach John Calipari for his shady recruitment of the 18-year-old Portland native.

Please. Sour grapes aren’t my fruit of choice. In fact, I prefer pineapple, but that’s neither here nor there.

No, it’s all about being the bigger man, and here at Washington, we pride ourselves on bigger men. Just ask the ladies.

And while Kentucky fans may be content to start a verbal jihad with their newfound rival to the west, we won’t go there, because that’s not us.

No need to pollute a kid’s Facebook page with bitterness and hatred.

No need to exchange barbs with a fan base that prefers its chicken fried.

No need to be an internet tough guy.

In the long run, we won’t know if Jones and Calipari are a match made in heaven until they have that trophy and can say they won it all. But rest assured, that moment is inevitable. It will happen. And when it does, we can give all the credit to a coach that is of the utmost character, the utmost decency, and the utmost Pomade.

Some have called Kentucky’s head coach a slimeball, but I wholeheartedly disagree. I have seen balls of slime and they only vaguely resemble slick recruiters of college athletes. This defamation of Calipari’s not not unexceptional character is ridiculous and uncalled for.

So what if his past is checkered?

So what if he has left two schools — UMass and Memphis — scrambling to atone for his indiscretions long after his departure?

So what? You wanna fight about it? It proves nothing. If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit. Grizzly Adams did have a beard. John Calipari is a saint. (Sarcasm meter.)

As for Jones, he’s a child who made a decision that we’d anticipate someone of his child-like innocence to make. And really, who can fault a child? Children bring us laughter, they bring us joy, they bring us perspective in our everyday lives.

Let’s not kid ourselves. We must reasonably expect individuals of Jones’ ilk to leverage their celebrity in such a way so as to benefit the individual nature of their individuality.

To briefly summarize, there is no “I” in “Terrence Jones.” But there is an “I” in “win,” as well as “individual,” and also “reneging.”

Other words that have “I” include “paid,” “laid,” “lied,” “immature,” “big-headed,” and “boneriffic.” As you can see by that final “I” word, none of those terms have any relation to one another, nor do they have anything to do with this situation. I assure you, they are simply the product of a random sample I conducted on my TI-83 (that’s a calculator to you, homeslice).

So in the words of a famous philosopher, “Don’t hate, congratulate.”

It’s time to face reality and acknowledge the fates of Mr. Calipari and his prodigy, Mr. Jones. Best of luck to the eventual National Champs, the 2011 University of Kentucky Wildcats, and their newest star, Terrence Jones.

*This championship is to be vacated no later than 2025 for one or more of the following reasons: Lack of institutional control, NCAA rules violations, illegal recruiting practices, a money-related scandal, improper touching, grade-fixing, generic cheating, prostitutional sexual relations. Washington can’t compete with that.

3 thoughts on “Congratulations To Terrence Jones and the 2011 NCAA Champion Kentucky Wildcats*”

  1. This is absolutely nonsensical. Also, you need to learn the proper use of the word “their.”

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