In case you missed it, the University of Oregon just hired former Creighton head basketball coach Dana Altman (pictured, at right) to assume the same position in Eugene. While Altman is a decent enough guy with an above-average coaching pedigree, he was probably the school’s tenth or eleventh choice for the vacant post previously held by the infamous Ernie Kent.
The Ducks began their well-chronicled search for a strong basketball mind over a month ago when they fired Kent after 13 seasons at the helm. After attempting to lure a plethora of big-name coaches with large sums of money (Mark Few, Tom Izzo, Tubby Smith, Jamie Dixon, just to name a few), the university was forced to adjust their qualifications for the ideal job candidate. We came across their most recent want ad a few days ago on CraigsList. Take a look.
Head Basketball Coach (Eugene, OR)
Date: 2010-04-20, 12:00 PM PDT
Reply to: email@example.com [Errors when replying to ads?]
Semi-prestigious university based in Eugene, Oregon is seeking a head coach for its men’s basketball program.
Job duties are as follows:
- Maintain guidance over up to 20 young men who have been known to get in trouble from time to time (trouble includes shooting firearms at defenseless water fowl, as well as associating with convicted criminals).
- Caress boosters’ egos (figuratively).
- Carees boosters’ daughters (literally).
- Provide revenue streams for university and market basketball program to prospective sponsors.
- Talk to teens and pre-pubescents with applicable talent and convince them to attend the university and join basketball program.
- Act as a liaison between wealthy, billionaire entrepreneur and academic institution of employ.
The ideal candidate will possess the following traits:
- Willingness to look ridiculous in front of large groups of people.
- Willingness to travel for long periods of time.
- Willingness to deal with large doses of verbal abuse from young adults.
- Willingness to remain faithful to one’s spouse, if engaged in a committed, monogamous relationship (preferred, not required).
- Willingness to avoid travel to nations south of the United States and north of Guatemala (preferred, not required).
- Willingness to wear green-and-yellow clothing, as well as black, white, and pink, often in unflattering combinations.
- Ability to talk to children and sell them on the benefits of hanging out with you.
- Ability to win basketball games, or at least not lose that badly.
- Ability to carry a pulse for upwards of 300 days per year.
- Ability to speak English (preferred, not required).
- Ability to lift upwards of 50 pounds and stand for hours on end.
- Ability to blow a whistle.
- Ability to pee standing up (preferred, not required).
The following is a list of specific details related to this position:
- Location: Eugene, Oregon (slightly north of hell, far south of heaven).
- Compensation: DOE (Hint: More money than you are qualified to earn for the things you’ve accomplished in your professional life).
- Full-time/Part-time: This is a full-time job, but you can probably skate by with a part-time effort for the salary you’ll be making.
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Recruits, please do.
- Phone calls about this job are okay. Looking for anybody, really. Tell your friends.
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests (except in instances that involve cash donations to the poster and their respective place of business).