4:38 PM: With the first pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select QB Sam Bradford. Anyone else think he looks like Phil Nelson on steroids? This might just be me. Anyways, moving on to whoever gets to be the next Lions bust…
4:44 PM: Detroit surprises no one by selecting the guy with the first name that means “House of spears” in whatever language they speak in Cameroon. Seriously. But with a last name like Suh, I’ll be honest — a few months ago I thought he was at least half-Korean. Of course, the real task here will be for Suh to try his hardest to fail in the NFL. These are the pressures of being a Lions draft pick.
4:52 PM: The Buccaneers select Oklahoma’s Gerald McCoy. McCoy is crying like a dude who is about to have more money than 99% of the world’s population. I’d probably cry too.
4:56 PM: Analysis on Suh, from the one Lions fan I know, my friend Mike/Bill:
“I am glad they took him. I think he’s a great pick and all of the talk of trading down kind of scared me that they were going to blow another draft…the draft is a scary proposition as a Lions fan, not an exciting day.”
Keep in mind that this guy also doubles as a UW football fan, so the last few years of his life have been tragic when it comes to the gridiron. Tempered enthusiasm from the Detroit camp.
4:59 PM: There goes the guy I thought the Seahawks would take. OT Trent Williams heads to the Washington Redskins. If Russell Okung gets drafted by Kansas City at No. 5, we are screwed. God forbid we end up with the fat white guy.
5:03 PM: Kim Kardashian would probably trade places with Roger Goodell in a heartbeat right now. You see how many hugs he’s getting from large black men? Just sayin.
5:07 PM: The Chiefs take uber-safety Eric Berry from Tennessee. This might be bad news to some of you, but a short time ago, no one thought Russell Okung would slide to Seattle at No. 6…don’t screw this up, Uncle Pete.
5:11 PM: Okung is reported to be the pick…
5:16 PM: With the sixth pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select OT Russell Okung from Oklahoma State University. Okung stands 6’5″, weighs 307, benched 225 pounds 38 times, ran a 5.16 forty. The good news: He’s
huge, has long arms (necessary for a tackle in the NFL), and he’s flat-out good. The bad news: NFLDraftScout.com lists his NFL comparison as D’Brickashaw Ferguson. Either way, I’m glad we got him. We need that tackle.
5:23 PM: I will say this. I like that Okung didn’t cry. He will eat your children, folks. Jim Mora considers him a dirtbag.
5:24 PM: Mike Holmgren’s team takes Florida CB Joe Haden. Haden’s got some Will Smith ears on that frame there.
5:25 PM: Bill Simmons offers this gem: “The Russell Okung All-Stars for ‘Athletes who sound like they might be Asian even though they aren’t.'” Ndamukong Suh agrees.
5:29 PM: The Raiders select linebacker Rolando McClain from amidst the cast of American Gangster and one white chick who will soon be disposed for NFL Groupie Version 2.0. The fun really starts once they start taking camera shots inside potential draftees’ homes.
5:31 PM: The Bills select RB C.J. Spiller at No. 9, ensuring at least two or three more years of futility in Buffalo. Maybe they plan on going Wildcat full time in 2010. Who knows.
5:37 PM: The Jaguars select DT Tyson Alualu from California. I’ll admit that even as a Pac-10 football fan, I don’t know who this guy is. All the Samoan guys blend together on the West Coast, let’s be honest.
5:44 PM: The 49ers trade up two spots with the Broncos to take Rutgers OT Anthony Davis. Jimmy Clausen has to be sh*tting his pants right now.
5:50 PM: San Diego trades up to No. 12 with Miami to draft RB Ryan Mathews from Fresno State. Everyone agrees that this is a stretch. However, let me say this. If Okung and Suh are black guys with Asian names, Mathews is a first-team selection on the “Athletes who sound like they might be white even though they aren’t.”
5:56 PM: The Eagles trade up to No. 13 (with the Broncos, who just acquired the 13th pick in a swap with the 49ers) to select Michigan DE Brandon Graham. This opens the door for the Seahawks to do many things at No. 14…
6:05 PM: With the 14th pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select S Earl Thomas from the University of Texas. Thomas is projected slightly higher than USC product Taylor Mays. He ran a 4.46 forty, benched 225 pounds 21 times, and should contend for a starting job on day one.
6:13 PM: Barring a trade, the Seahawks are done making picks today. Okung and Thomas fill two huge needs for the team at left tackle and safety, respectively. John Schneider and Pete Carroll deserve an A-plus for their work this afternoon. Stayed away from the “sexy” skill position players and went with the grinders we need.
6:14 PM: The Giants take DE Jason Pierre-Paul at No. 15. From South Florida, JPP was that one guy who climbed up the draft boards as the season went on. Biggest weakness: surname. Hyphenated and slightly French. He’ll have to overcome that to make it at this level.
6:21 PM: Tennessee goes with DE Derrick Morgan from Georgia Tech, a guy a lot of people thought the Hawks might take at No. 14.
6:25 PM: At No. 17, the 49ers take Idaho OL Mike Iupati. Iupati is one of those talented individuals who happened to play for a less-than-talented small-school team. He definitely has his question marks heading into the league. So far, the Hawks are winning the battle for best draft within the NFC West. The Rams have Bradford, the Niners have two OL in Iupati and Anthony Davis, the Cardinals have no one, and the Hawks have Okung and Thomas. Looking good right now.
6:29 PM: The Steelers draft C Maurkice Pouncey at No. 18. Hopefully, this guy is cool with Ben Roethlisberger’s famous penis being that close to his backside.
6:32 PM: The Falcons take LB Sean Weatherspoon from Missouri at No. 19. He may possibly be related to former NBA player Clarence Weatherspoon. There’s always a chance.
6:37 PM: Houston selects Alabama DB Kareem Jackson, owner of the best name in the draft, at No. 20. I’ve given this some thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion that if my last name was Jackson, I would name my kid one of four things: Kareem, Action, Reggie, or Theo.
6:41 PM: I’d also like to add Rufus to the above list. Don’t know how I forgot that one.
6:43 PM: No. 21 snuck by me while I was off to the men’s room. Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma selected by the Bengals. Get ready for a future filled with felonies, young buck.
6:45 PM: Denver trades up to No. 22 (from New England) and selects Georgia Tech WR Demaryius Thomas, who is not Dez Bryant. Thomas wins this year’s JaMarcus Russell Craziest Made-Up First Name Award.
6:51 PM: Green Bay takes Iowa OT Bryan Bulaga at No. 23. If there was a guy more perfect for the town of Green Bay in this draft, I couldn’t tell you who he possibly would be. Bulaga should be right at home in the land of the cheese. Amazing that this guy was at one time considered a top 10 selection.
7:02 PM: The Cowboys trade up (with New England) to select the aforementioned Dez Bryant at No. 24. We should have seen this coming a mile away.
7:05 PM: In the battle between quarterbacks I really don’t like, Tim Tebow is the victor. He’s been selected 25th overall by the Denver Broncos. Jimmy Clausen, naturally, is the loser. This is rather amazing, I gotta say.
7:08 PM: Is it at all awkward that the dude hanging at Tebow’s house has the exact same aqua blue button-down shirt as the quarterback?
7:10 PM: In what we can only assume to be an alcohol-induced stupor, Ben Roethlisberger once said, “All my bitches take some shots!” Now that Tim Tebow is in the NFL, I eagerly await the day when he, too, will instruct his female followers to take shots. We can dream.
7:16 PM: How did the Tebow household obtain those Broncos hats so quickly? Furthermore, how many different teams’ hats did they have on standby?
7:17 PM: With their first pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the Arizona Cardinals select Tennessee DT Dan Williams at No. 26. That’s actually a really good value pick. I was hoping they’d bite on Clausen. No dice. Dang it.
7:24 PM: At No. 27, the Patriots select Rutgers DB Devin McCourty. Who? Exactly. Not that we didn’t expect that from New England, or anything. NFL Network’s analysts just dubbed him “the best special teams player in the draft.” Which is obviously what you’re looking for in the first round.
7:30 PM: The Dolphins draft Penn State DT Jared Odrick at No. 28. Yep. I don’t know who that is. If you do, go ahead and pat yourself on the back.
7:32 PM: Consider this: If one of the final three teams to pick in the first round doesn’t take Jimmy Clausen, then ESPN’s Todd McShay — who boldly predicted that Clausen would fall to round two — will be right for one of the first times in his life.
7:36 PM: The New York Jets have selected DB Kyle Wilson from Boise State at No. 29. Thankfully, the New York fans recognize mediocrity when they see it. The Smurf Turf product is being lauded with boos.
7:46 PM: Detroit trades up to grab what would have been Minnesota’s selection and selects Cal RB Jahvid Best at No. 30. The former Golden Bear was presumed by many to be a mid-second round pick. Perhaps the Lions simply didn’t want to be faced with the prospect of a bust at this point in the draft, and instead took a reach down the board for a guy with relatively low expectations. Smart move by a new regime. With only Indianapolis and New Orleans left to make picks in the first round, this all but ensures that Jimmy Clausen will slip to round two (barring a trade, of course).
7:55 PM: Jerry Hughes? He’s a DE from TCU. The Colts just took him at No. 30. Possibly the least exciting pick of the draft thus far. Don’t know why. Just seems that way. Maybe it’s the plain jane name.
8:04 PM: Drew Brees emerges to announce the Saints’ pick: Florida State DB Patrick Robinson. He is not Taylor Mays or Jimmy Clausen, which means both players have slipped for the time being into round two. That concludes the first round of the draft. Until tomorrow…