I’ve been told that Aziz N’Diaye once saved a group of kittens from drowning in the free time he had between volunteering at the local soup kitchen and working on a cure for cancer. That might just be hearsay, but I doubt it.
The fact that Aziz N’Diaye is Senegalese royalty who came to America with his friend played by Arsenio Hall is only part of the story that comprises the entirety of the legend that is this 7-foot basketball-playing demigod.
Today, N’Diaye will sign a letter of intent to join the Washington Huskies in the fall of 2010 as the newest member of coach Lorenzo Romar’s program. He will then sign a treaty that guarantees peace in Jerusalem for all eternity.
Aziz N’Diaye once played basketball with former Sonics draft pick Mouhamed Sene. Before Sene was carted off on a stretcher, he had been dunked on 37 times by N’Diaye and kicked in the nuts thrice. Being the gentleman that he is, N’Diaye helped Sene off the ground after all 37 dunks. He never insulted Sene’s mother or talked any trash because that’s not his style. He finished every play with a respectful bow. Sene only cried four times.
N’Diaye used to be a vigilante bounty hunter on weekends. He’s the guy who captured Osama bin Laden and subsequently destroyed the al-Qaeda leader by feeding him to the Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi. You never heard about bin Laden’s destruction because N’Diaye is sworn to secrecy as a member of the CIA. You never heard about the Sarlacc because N’Diaye is the only known human to have both found and tamed the beast. He told his boss that he had simply manhandled bin Laden to death. In truth, the Sarlacc was craving Arabian food.
Steroids were contrived when N’Diaye’s sweat beads were diluted and bottled. Had the sweat beads not been diluted first, most humans would have died upon ingesting the drug. It’s safe to say that Mark McGwire owes his entire career to Aziz N’Diaye.
Aziz N’Diaye invented the Snuggie. He bestowed his creation unto an unsuspecting individual who is now a multi-millionaire. N’Diaye asked for nothing in return, save for a small square of fabric which he crafted into a sweater for a homeless bunny rabbit that lived in the bushes outside his house.
N’Diaye also invented the birth control pill. You’re welcome, every guy ever.
N’Diaye once saved a small village in the jungle from severe destruction at the hands of intruders from a foreign land. He has licensed his story free of charge on three occasions: once for the movie Fern Gully, again for the Disney version of Pocahontas, and a third time for James Cameron’s Avatar.
N’Diaye visited Mark Zuckerberg in a dream and gave him the idea for Facebook. Zuckerberg won’t admit this, of course, but we all know it’s true.
The English word “enjoy” is derived from N’Diaye’s surname. Seriously.
In a previous life, N’Diaye was Tom Selleck’s mustache. He also spent some time as Sandy Koufax’s left arm in the early-’60s.
Denzel Washington once said that if he could have anyone play him in a movie, it would be Aziz N’Diaye.
Jake Locker occasionally wishes he knew what it felt like to be N’Diaye. N’Diaye, in turn, occasionally ponders life as Jake Locker. If the two were to form a badminton team, they would undoubtedly revolutionize the sport and have kids all over America playing with their shuttlecocks.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that Aziz N’Diaye shall rise above that threshold and lead the Husky basketball team to the promised land. He is our savior. He is the answer to our prayers. In Aziz we trust.