Go Fist Yourself, Oakland

The Mariners are 1-2. I’m not concerned.

We’re three games into the season and so far we’ve been done in by the most awesome non-Mariner in baseball, Kurt Suzuki. Ever since Suzuki was at Cal-State Fullerton, it was clear to me that he was the man. He’s the last person in the lower 48 still wearing puka shells, so you know he’s got some testicular fortitude. And he certainly isn’t worried about what other people think of him. You have to appreciate that. He’s straight renegade.

Anyways, we’re letting Suzuki beat us right now which is akin to saying we’re letting Chuck Norris kick our ass. It can’t be helped. But in case you’re a little nervous, not to worry. The M’s are deploying the ultimate stopper this afternoon in Doug “Enter The” Fister.

The lanky righthander is set to make his season debut in today’s 12:35 p.m. game at the Oakland Coliseum. Seattle will be looking to even the series with the A’s at two games apiece.

Now I’m not saying that Fister is the second coming of Nolan Ryan or anything. He certainly doesn’t throw like Ryan, preferring to keep his fastball in the upper-80s and relying on finesse and guile (the adjective, not the Street Fighter character) to get batters out.

*Side note: What if he was actually using Guile the Street Fighter character to get batters out? That would be pretty awesome. Dude puts a ball in play, starts running to first base, and Fister’s like, “Go, Guile.” Guile comes flying into the stadium in an F-16, lands in center field, jumps out, sprints to the infield and delivers a flying kick to the chest to Vlad Guerrero. That’d be way better than Angels in the Outfield.

But if you asked me to pick who I think will be the most pleasant surprise for this ballclub in 2010, it would have to be Fisty.

Fisty has that “It” factor you look for in a burgeoning superstar. He’s got the outlandish height, the outlandish last name, and all the right stuff to make it happen. And frankly, he gets batters out, which is really all you need to do to get fans on your side.

I would implore the Mariners’ marketing department to print off a few million Doug Fister jersey shirts for our personal consumption. I have to imagine that most fans would love to be seen around town with “FISTER 58” on their backs. Why not embrace the madness, right?

Hell, I can list a handful of players worse than Fister who had their own jersey shirts. Jeremy Reed, Richie Sexson, Kenji Johjima, Willie Bloomquist, and Yuniesky Betancourt, to name five. You can’t tell me that any of those guys were better or more popular than the Fist. So let’s make it happen. I promise you that if I can get my hands on a Fister shirt, I’ll wear it to work. Seriously.

Prepare yourself, Oakland. You are the first team in this young season to be Fisted. Enjoy.

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