I’m not even gonna lie. There’s really nothing going on in sports today, and I’m pretty sure half my readers have quit coming to this site because they either fell for my dumbass April Fool’s Day joke or they’re pissed that I’d stoop that low in the first place.
So out of sheer boredom, I’ve gone ahead and created this list of the Top 11 Ways To Release The Kraken, in honor of Liam Neeson’s character in the new Clash of the Titans. Because I imagine there is no better feeling than releasing the kraken all over the place. And the new Clash of the Titans is apparently one of the worst movies of the year, so we might as well just milk this Kraken thing for as long as we can.
11. Posterize a third-grader with a tomahawk jam on an eight-foot hoop.
Wipe the Kraken off your face, kid. You look foolish.
10. Hit a golf ball with an aluminum baseball bat.
If you’ve never done this before, you’re missing out.
9. Punt a football. Off a skyscraper.
When possible, it’s always best to release the Kraken from higher elevations.
8. Slice an apple with a machete.
That will be the most fulfilling apple you have ever tasted.
7. Enter a marathon. Sprint the first mile. Walk the last 25.
All the other entrants will be inconvenienced by the Kraken you released on them in the early going.
6. Take a job as a prize cannon operator at a basketball arena. Then drink six Red Bulls and go renegade on that sh*t.
How many people can you take out with 100% cotton ammunition? That is the question.
5. Take part in the Iditarod. In your underwear.
One word of advice: tape your nipples. Just a thought.
4. Cut off a teenager driving a rice rocket on the freeway, then put your hand out the window and flash gang signs that you just made up on the spot.
It’s okay. I’m pretty sure no one driving a rice rocket has ever actually been in a gang. They’ll be more scared of you in your Toyota Previa than you are of them.
3. Drive the lane on someone a foot smaller than you, drop in a finger roll over their bitch ass and shout, “And one!”
Matthew Bryan-Amaning knows what I’m talking about. Or as the Spaniards say, “¡Y uno!”
2. Play ping-pong with a tennis racket.
You’ll feel like a champion. All day long.
1. Stand outside a Foot Locker and wait for the inevitable in-store theft. As soon as you see the perpetrator exiting the store, get a good running start and tackle the living piss out of him.
To fully drain the remnants of your Kraken all over his ego, feel free to stand up and shout, “You got…JACKED UP!” If he’s still moving at this point, finish him with the People’s Elbow. Finish him!