In the past 24 hours, three University of Oregon football players have pled guilty to various criminal charges. Running back LaMichael James pled guilty to misdemeanor harassment, while quarterback Jeremiah Masoli and wide receiver Garrett Embry pled guilty to second-degree burglary.
To put this into perspective, when extrapolated, that’s 21 guilty pleas per week, 90 guilty pleas per month, 1,095 guilty pleas per year, and 10,950 guilty pleas per decade.
To further illustrate the sheer magnitude of what this means to the Oregon football program, consider this:
It has been 93 years since the Ducks last won a Rose Bowl. (And frankly, who can forget the 14-0 whooping of Penn State in the 1917 game.) If it takes them another 93 years from this moment to win their next Rose Bowl, they will have already recorded 101,835 guilty pleas. That’s nearly four times more guilty pleas than the number of days the average human lives.
The average American male masturbates 456 times per year. How Duck football players find ways to enter more than twice as many guilty pleas in that time, and manage to sling yogurt is beyond me.
Halley’s Comet is visible from earth once every 75 years. Or as I like to call it, once every 82,125 Oregon Duck guilty pleas.
Your average female enters her menstruation period every 28 days. Between visits from her Aunt Flo, she can reasonably expect 84 guilty pleas from Oregon football players.
Before the next millenium is complete, the Ducks will have recorded over 1,000,000 guilty pleas. In fact, they’ll notch 1,095,000 guilty pleas every 1,000 years. In case any of us live that long to pay witness to their greatness.
It has taken me 15 minutes to compose this article. At the same time, an Oregon player is 4.2% closer to entering a guilty plea. By the time 60 minutes have elapsed, he will be 12.5% guilty. And once your average working shift has come to a halt, he will be 100%, without a doubt, guilty as charged.
Ah, to be a Duck.