Mascot Murder Frightens Children, Sheds Light On Terror At WSU

*Warning: The following passage is both disturbing and graphic in nature.

When you’re a kid, mascots are cartoon characters come to life. Oversized, furry, and fun-loving, mascots are messengers of joy who can do no wrong.

So what is it like for a child when a mascot is beheaded and a human is revealed underneath? Horrific? Ghastly? Emotionally scarring? More like all of the above.

In a rite of passage that violates kids in all the wrong ways (Michael Jackson/R. Kelly kinds of ways), Washington State University has made it a tradition to decapitate their lovable mascot, Butch T. Cougar, in front of an audience full of adults and children alike.

Last Saturday, on Senior Night for the WSU men’s basketball team, the human responsible for penetrating T. Cougar and inhabiting his body for the past four years was revealed to a capacity crowd in a ceremony that brings to mind the agony of the ritual lower-abdomen-carving of that tribe that Kevin Bacon was a part of in The Air Up There.

In the second half of Washington State’s game against Washington, senior Byron Edelman walked onto the court with his parents (why he needed to involve them in this act of terrorism is beyond me) and committed mascot suicide. With a crowd of savages egging him on ruthlessly, Edelman performed a circumcision-of-sorts, peeling back the veritable foreskin of his costume and unveiling his crown.

As youngsters fought back tears, the now headless T. Cougar attempted to whip the Beasley Performing Arts and Crafts Center into a frenzy. Which is akin to a dying Anakin Skywalker in full Darth Vader regalia, minus the mask (like in that one scene from Return of the Jedi), leaping to his feet and doing the Riverdance on a Broadway stage in his final moments. Morbid, to say the least.

While the origins of this despicable act are unclear, some have linked the undertaking to the proprietors of the notorious propaganda machine that is Cougfan.com.

The leaders of Cougfan have been known to beat kittens mercilessly, distribute crystal meth to minors in the ghetto, and hang out with the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, and Britney Spears when she was in her bald-and-crazy phase. One Cougfan entrepreneur was even captured by the paparazzi panty-less, climbing out of a limousine. Suffice it to say he voted for Bush.

While we here at Seattle Sportsnet have always made it a point to fairly represent our Cougar friends, even we cannot ignore these abominable exploits that have been carried out by the perpetrators at Cougfan. This is beyond ugly, and to get children involved — the future of our world, I might add — is simply appalling.

In an appeal to your better nature, I urge you to cease and desist this mascot murder, this death to fuzzy things, this homicide of happiness. Humans and mascots must learn to live together as one, on God’s green earth, in peace and harmony.

Thank you.

4 thoughts on “Mascot Murder Frightens Children, Sheds Light On Terror At WSU”

  1. I would link on this on their boards, but I’ve been banned for two years. I can’t remember what the original dismissal was for, but I think it had something to do with one of the Ernie Kent caption contest threads I used to post there.

  2. The leaders of Cougfan must be at the SU game trying to infiltrate Seattle. Rudy the Redhawk was just beheaded.

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