So Who’s Watching Figure Skating?

Not me.

The only women on ice I can appreciate are right here:

And don’t even get me started on the dudes. Johnny Weir is the Adam Lambert of sports, and I mean that in the worst way. Whatever happened to the Scott Hamiltons of our world? The manly men of figure skating.

Anyway, I have this theory in which we combine the Winter and Summer Olympics and instead hold two new games called the Cool Olympics and the Boring Olympics, respectively.

The lineup for the Cool Olympics would include hockey, curling, bobsled, luge, short track speed skating, snowboarding, ski jumping, freestyle skiing, skeleton, track and field, basketball, soccer, wrestling, boxing, women’s gymnastic, ping-pong (aka table tennis), handball (possibly the best sport that America has yet to adopt), volleyball, tennis, shooting (provided we changed it so competitors shot at living things, rather than targets), swimming, and baseball and softball (even though they’ve been unfortunately removed from future Summer Olympiads).

The Boring Olympics would house figure skating, cross-country skiing, Alpine skiing (outside of the occasional crashes, face it, it’s boring), the biathlon, the Nordic combined, speed skating (not short-track version), archery, canoeing, cycling, fencing, judo, men’s gymnastics, rowing, sailing, synchronized swimming, taekwondo, water polo, and weightlifting.

We should hold the Cool Olympics on a two-year schedule with rotating venues. The Boring Olympics will be held every 12 years in Siberia.

This should spare us all from having to pretend we enjoy the boring sports for two weeks. And come on, it’s not like you give them any thought during that four-year interim. Figure skating, my ass.

One thought on “So Who’s Watching Figure Skating?”

  1. When it comes to men’s figure skating, Evan Lysacek is a man – he skated with five o’clock shadow. Johnny Weir is, well, in the words of Hank Hill, “that boy ain’t right.”
    The Olympics were boring? Only because NBC chopped up and broadcast everything tape delayed. Put them on ESPN where they’d be live. Boring? If you didn’t see Lindsey Vonn or Hannah Teter in the swimsuit issue, of course you’d be bored. (By the way, someone tell Teter to quit talking as if she smoked something beforehand).

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