They’re fantastic at home (they’ve only lost at Hec Ed once this year), but absolutely dismal away from campus.
It’s a problem that has plagued the ballclub all season long, and in search of answers, we’ve come up with 11 potential solutions to stop the bleeding. Because everyone can use a little help sometimes.
11. Pay hookers in each road city to dress in purple and cheer for the Huskies.
“No, no. You’re not getting it. We want you to stand over there, next to the band member playing the trombone. And for God’s sake, these trombones are pristine, why do you keep referring to them as rusty? This isn’t hard to understand. Dammit.”
10. Stop taking showers, thus polluting opposing gyms with a foul stench and making fans reconsider coming to games.
I call this the Adam Morrison strategy.
9. Have every player down three or more Red Bulls before each road game.
You want energy? This will have Venoy Overton running around like an ADD kid on crack.
A warning, however: Store bedpans on the bench. There will be pee.
8. Ban all Twitter, Facebook and MySpace usage 24 hours before gametime.
Seriously. This sh*t is getting out of hand.
And that’s coming from a guy who abuses Facebook the way Michael McDonald abuses old-school R&B songs.
7. Stash guns in the locker room.
Gilbert Arenas is a great player.
Gilbert Arenas brings guns to the locker room.
Therefore, ipso facto, guns equal great play.
6. Purchase shorter shorts.
I own the same game shorts that the Huskies have worn all year, and those things nearly touch my ankles. They are by far the longest shorts I have ever owned.
Furthermore, I am taller than both Isaiah Thomas and Venoy Overton, so if I’m having trouble running around in these shorts, then they probably are, too.
And what about Tyreese Breshers? Have you seen his shorts? They gave him like a 4XL and told him to make it work. Longest shorts on the team, and the dude’s 6’7″. How is that even possible?
5. Replace the last names on the backs of the road jerseys with cool, intimidating nicknames.
If there’s anything we can take from the XFL, it’s that nicknames on jerseys are, quite simply, better.
Rod Smart was a nobody who couldn’t make an NFL practice squad.
But He Hate Me?
He Hate Me was the MAN!
Makes all the difference in the world.
4. Get in a brawl at the start of every road game.
In one episode of The Office, Dwight Schrute discusses an ancient display of authority that involved the killing of one prisoner each time a new batch of prisoners arrived at a war camp. The show of power sent a clear message: You cannot f*ck with us.
Engaging in physical altercations right from tipoff would send the same message to opponents. Sure, you might get a quick T, maybe even an ejection. But this is about the team, and if it leads to a win, then it works.
Hell, just give Sherrer a pair of nunchucks and put him out there as a starter. Epic victory.
Hey, it worked for Prince and The Revolution on Chappelle’s Show.
2. Hire Jose Canseco as the team’s strength and conditioning coach.
I hear he does really good things for people.
Raises performance overnight, in many cases.
1. Put the Dawg Pack on scholarship and bring them with you EVERYWHERE.
It’s easier said than done, of course, but I’ve come up with a few ways we can raise the necessary funds to make this a feasible option:
- Replace at least one team meal per day with Maruchan ramen noodle bowls.
- Auction off every piece of equipment ever worn by the players. That’s right, every piece of equipment. Memorabilia hounds will do anything for a piece of the action.
- Get the professors to fork over some of the money they make off the updated versions of textbooks they release EVERY SINGLE YEAR! What they do is highway robbery. We should all be privy to a percentage of their earnings.
- Have Mark Emmert foot the bill. Seriously. You do not want to know how much money he makes. You’ll shed a tear.
- Have the Seattle City Council pass legislation and apportion public funding for the cause. Just kidding. We all know they don’t want to do anything and risk losing their jobs.