Don’t Worry, Sports Fans: Thunder Will Be Struck Down Eventually

The Oklahoma City Thunder are pretty good these days. Kevin Durant has scored 25 or more points in a bazillion straight games, Russell Westbrook is turning into a superstar point guard, and the team is on pace for 48 wins, which could very well be good enough to get them into the playoffs.

Whatever.

As a Sonics fan, it’s easy to get all worked up over the Blunder’s successes, but why waste the energy?

These are the Zombie Sonics. The Wario to our Mario. Venom to our Spider Man. Kristin Cavallari to our Lauren Conrad.

Just like in the movies, good will prevail in the end and evil will be vanquished. I guarantee you. You can punch me in the face if I’m wrong.

Fact is, even if the Zonics make the playoffs this year, they won’t get past the first round. The Lakers won’t let them. The Spurs won’t let them. The Nuggets, Jazz, and Mavs won’t let them. Doesn’t matter who they play. They’re inexperienced, and they won’t do much against a higher-seeded ballclub.

And think about this. in a few years, when the team should be hitting their stride and actually making something of themselves, all their stars will be free agents who will undoubtedly flee Oklahoma City like fat kids from gym class.

What? You really think Kevin Durant wants to spend the rest of his life in Okieville? You really think Russell Westbrook’s booty calls aren’t gonna be that much better in New York or Miami? You think Jeff Green can’t make more green in the big city? Child, please.

If Bennett’s Bandits can’t even hold onto their own, I guarantee you they won’t be able to pull big time free agents. No LeBrons. No D-Wades. No CPTrees. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Let me tell you something. Unless the white boy makes a comeback in the NBA (unlikely), Oklahoma City won’t be attracting much more than a handful of mid-level exceptions during their failed attempt at franchising. And yes, it will be a failed endeavour.

Within two decades, I picture the following events taking place:

1. David Stern dies. (Not trying to be mean or anything, but by 2030 he’ll either be dead or 88 years old. I’m going with dead, just based on all the stresses he’s endured over the years. Pretty sure the lockout took at least five years from him.)

2. Clay Bennett gets hit by a bus.

3. Kevin Durant becomes a first ballot Hall of Famer with the New York Knicks.

4. Russell Westbrook becomes an All-Star with the Los Angeles Clippers.

5. The Zonics post the worst record in NBA history, circa 2023.

6. The Zonics post the worst attendance figures in the NBA, circa 2020-25.

7. Unable to gain any footing in OKC, the Zonics become the first non-North American NBA team when they move to China, fulfilling David Stern’s dying wish.

Oh yeah, and somewhere in there Seattle gets a new franchise that comes along, rekindles the Sonics name and history, and spanks the Zonics from existence the same way a welfare mom spanks her child in Wal-Mart. It’s harsh, but it’s reality.

Karma, folks, karma. In the end, you do bad things and bad things are gonna catch up to you. The Oklahoma City Thunder are the walking definition of a bad thing, and one day they’ll get bitten in the ass because of it.

4 thoughts on “Don’t Worry, Sports Fans: Thunder Will Be Struck Down Eventually”

  1. Couldn’t have put it better myself but shit, it stings whenever I read the ESPN bottom line showing Durants stats. Would have loved to follow that kids career from anear. (yes, anear is a word. Look it up.)

  2. SSN, I hope you’re right. I don’t personally hope Clay Bennet gets hit by a bus, but it would be nice to see him lose a bunch of money.

    And when Durant/Westbrook/Green/Harden don’t resign with the Blunder, I will be laughing my ass off.

    Here’s hoping the Kings are sold to a Seattle tycoon and are moved up here so we can enjoy Spencer Hawes in Seattle again.

  3. Alex – I have a unique perspective on this issue because I grew up in Seattle, was a Husky, but have moved around since college and am currently living in Oklahoma City which makes me a hybrid Seattleite/Oklahoma Citaleite. I dearly miss Seattle and admit it is more exciting than Oklahoma City for the most part. I feel for the sorrow of Seattle losing its team and the rich history of the Sonics from my childhood that went along with it. Anger is normal for any sports fan that experiences this to a certain point.

    But honestly, your column is so hateful that is raised my eyebrows. If a psychologist read this, they would probably diagnose you with some kind of emotional issues. One could infer that in a relationship, you are most certainly the “jealous type”. What do you have to gain from Oklahoma City’s loss? Disappointments happen but people need to move on and you most certainly haven’t and are just getting more and more angry. Go meditate or something. Om…….

    Get a life and stop writing hateful columns like this because it just makes you look bad.

    Matt

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