An Exclusive Interview With FSN

In response to our Semi-Annual Critique of FSN, we managed to land an exclusive interview with an employee of Fox Sports Net, who shall remain anonymous for the purposes of this article. Enjoy.

Seattle Sportsnet: First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to join us here today. And rest assured your identity will be kept confidential, so feel free to be as honest and open as you like with us.

Fox Sports Net Employee: No problem, it’s my pleasure. Most days I barely even work.

SSN: Really?

FSN: Yeah, usually we just sit around and play Bejweled Blitz on Facebook for a good three or four hours, then take a two-hour group lunch at Applebee’s.

SSN: Do you do anything after lunch?

FSN: (Laughing) No.

SSN: Why the laughter? What’s so funny?

FSN: Oh…I thought you were joking with that last question. Were you?

SSN: No.

FSN: Oh.

SSN: Okay. Well, let’s move on. If you could, please describe exactly what it is you do at Fox Sports Net.

FSN: My official job title is “Corporate Analyst.” But mostly I just kick it.

SSN: Kick it?

FSN: Yeah. Hang out with the hot chicks, walk back and forth between my office and the bathroom, chat online with my penpal in Thailand.

SSN: You have a penpal in Thailand?

FSN: Yes.

SSN: Is your penpal by any chance a hooker with a webcam?

FSN: Yes.

SSN: Okay, we’ll ignore that…no, we can’t ignore that. You really do that at work?

FSN: I have a big office. There’s a lock on the door. I have high-quality window blinds. My chair reclines.

SSN: Okay, whatever. Anyways, as corporate analyst do you have any relationship with FSN’s on-air talent?

FSN: I had relationships with three…four…four members of the on-air team.

SSN: I didn’t mean sexual relationship.

FSN: What did you mean then?

SSN: I meant, do you have any working relationship with them? Are you involved in the hiring process, anything like that?

FSN: Oh. Gotcha. No.

SSN: How do you end up in bed with these girls if you have no working relationship with them?

FSN: Well, they look nice. But they really aren’t worth a damn as sportscasters. I don’t particularly enjoy listening to them talk.

SSN: That’s pretty messed up that you would say that.

FSN: I’m a messed up guy.

SSN: That’s no excuse.

FSN: Whatever, man. At least I’m not bitching to a major sports network about their on-air operations. At least I have a life.

SSN: What are you saying? You don’t care that your viewers have issues with the quality of your network’s programming? Is that it?

FSN: (Voice rising) Yeah, that’s exactly it. We don’t give a [expletive]. We’re making millions of dollars each day in advertising alone. Have you seen all our Hampton Inn ads? They have a boner for us. We could survive off Hampton Inn by itself if we had to. Every time you spend the night at a Hampton Inn, you might as well be putting money in FSN’s wallet.

SSN: So you really don’t care then?

FSN: (Shouting) Hell no, I don’t care. And neither does anyone else. This is corporate capitalism. This is America. We could put Kermit the Frog on air to call a basketball game and we’d still make money. It doesn’t matter if he screws up or not. It doesn’t matter if he knows anyone’s name. We don’t care about that sort of thing. All we care about is the bottom line.

SSN: So no one cares that the programming is just flat-out horrible? Because it is, you should know that.

FSN: I know that. We all know that. Jason Gesser knows that, and he’s an analyst. Barry Tompkins knows that, and he’s old as all hell. At FSN, we don’t have any standards. We just do [expletive]. And we make money doing [expletive]. And if you have a [expletive] problem with that, then too bad. As long as we’re taking our checks to the bank, getting paid and getting laid, it’s all good. People are going to watch our programming whether they like it or not, you can’t escape it.

SSN: How can you have that attitude and plan on competing with ESPN?

FSN: We don’t have to compete with ESPN. We’re better than ESPN.

SSN: You really believe that?

FSN: Yes, I believe that. I work for the best company in the entire world. I get paid six figures to sit around all day. There are zero expectations that come with my job. And on the rare occasion that I screw all that up, the impending harrassment suits just get swept under the rug.

SSN: You’ve had harrassment suits brought against you?

FSN: No.

SSN: You just said you did, though.

FSN: Whatever, man. Just…whatever.

SSN: So you’re kinda like ESPN then in that respect, am I right?

FSN: I don’t know, man. You’re not making any sense any more.

SSN: Why deny it? Was she a real troll? Was she like Steve Phillips’ girl? I bet she was.

FSN: Hell no. She was better than that.

SSN: So you did have a harrassment suit, then.

FSN: [Expletive].

SSN: That’s okay. We don’t need to go that in-depth. I think we have all we need for today.

FSN: I [expletive] hate you.

SSN: Well, nobody likes you, either. And your network is basically ballsack sweat.

FSN: Go [expletive] yourself.

SSN: No. You go [expletive] yourself. With your mail-order internet whore.

FSN: [Expletive].

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