The Ideal Baby

The ideal baby would of course be conceived by Hugh Millen and Nicole Zaloumis. Ken Griffey, Jr. would watch everything go down, just in case there was a problem.

Millen, naturally, would plant the seed. Zaloumis would accept.

Though it sounds easy, a fierce battle would rage during the conception process. While it is a known fact that Millen possesses the most potent corps of troops west of the Mississippi, it is not often revealed that Zaloumis drops eggs so powerful, they are rivaled only by the Death Star.

In fact, the war waged shortly after insemination would parallel the final battle sequence in Star Wars IV: A New Hope, with a Luke Skywalker-esque sperm penetrating the walls of the seemingly-indestructible egg and thus altering history forever. Nine months later, an ideal baby would be born.

Speaking seven or eight different languages by his fifth birthday, the Millen-Zaloumis production would be a testament to impeccable genetic structure. A boy, the child would become the first known individual to record a perfect 4.0 in Kindergarten, excelling in fingerpainting, sharing, and most importantly, nap time.

By age eight, he would maintain a keen interest in over 700 sports, including more exotic forms of athletics such as jai alai, and international handball. He would participate in five of those sports: baseball, football, basketball, hockey, and badminton. A present-day Bo Jackson, Millen-Zaloumis would dominate across all venues as a pitcher/outfielder/wishbone quarterback/linebacker/point forward/winger. In badminton, he would set junior tournament records and even perform in charity events against professionals, always winning, but remaining humble in victory.

At the age of 10, Millen-Zaloumis would be named player/coach of his youth league basketball team. On a team full of kids from single-mother families, Millen-Zaloumis would be the only individual knowledgeable enough to run the Princeton offense.

By age 12, Millen-Zaloumis would be a stalwart in the school band. Though he had mastered (through self-teachings) 24 different instruments, he would choose to play the piccolo at school functions. Despite its reputation as the “gay instrument,” the piccolo would serve Millen-Zaloumis well, and he would dispel all preconceived ideas about the unpopular woodwind.

In high school, Millen-Zaloumis would befriend members of all cliques, including the Asians, jocks, nerds, band geeks, Hispanics, handicaps, white trashers, GLBTs, cheerleaders, rich kids, and even the outspoken, holier-than-thou liberal-types who are really just full of shit. He would make a name for himself through athletics, but carve his reputation through the many relationships he established in classrooms and hallways.

During the summer of his freshman year, Millen-Zaloumis would pass an internet course and become a certified ordained minister at just 15 years of age. He would wed dozens of couples before the year was done, specializing in shotgun marriages for recently-impregnated teenagers.

As a sophomore, Millen-Zaloumis would take a volunteer position at the VA Hospital. Though he would obtain his school district-mandated community service credit in the process, Millen-Zaloumis’ initial intention would be to hook up with one of the volunteer nurses who spent her weekends at the very same hospital. Because we all have our vices.

Throughout his junior and senior years, Millen-Zaloumis would ace all of his courses, including math, which spawned a great deal of envy from his Asian friends. Not one to leave a buddy hanging, Millen-Zaloumis would allow his friends to copy off his papers in exchange for promises of good deeds to be done at a later date. Because let’s face it, we forget about the geniuses at some point in our lives, but we always remember the kids who let us copy.

Upon graduating high school, the multi-talented 18-year-old would bypass college scholarship offers for a chance to perform on a global stage, both as an athlete and a musician. He would accept a job as a concert piccolo soloist in Amsterdam, taking home six-figure paychecks immediately, and establishing himself as the world’s foremost piccolo player in the process.

Likewise, he would garner fame in the major leagues as the first dual-threat pitcher/position player in nearly a century, while spending offseasons playing basketball in the EuroLeague and football in the CFL. He would rewrite the record books for each of his respective leagues in each of the three sports, trumping all his constituents for the coveted title of ‘World’s Best Athlete.’

Not forsaken from love, Millen-Zaloumis would marry his high school sweetheart (the nurse he met at the VA), who by this time would have given up nursing for a more prominent career as a supermodel. Together, they would spawn a beautiful family, complete with a dog, a cat, and a two-and-a-half children (the half-kid the result of a tragic fishing accident that would lead to a multi-billion dollar settlement for the Millen-Zaloumis family).

Life would treat Millen-Zaloumis well, but more importantly, he would treat life with the utmost respect.

He would live to be the oldest human on the planet, dying suddenly at the age of 124 in a senior badminton tournament. Surviving him would be his two-and-a-half kids, nine grandchildren, 31 great-grandchildren, and 46 great-great-grandchildren.

His name would live on in over 77 Halls of Fame, including those of Major League Baseball, Rock and Roll, and the Canadian Football League, among others.

Through charitable contributions, he would help cure cancer, while eradicating the world of swine flu and herpes at the same time.

Posthumously, his face would adorn the newly-minted seven-dollar bill, and he would be remembered as the only non-political figure to achieve such status.

Truly, Millen-Zaloumis would live his life as the ideal human being, changing lives and extending his own over the years. Gone, but never forgotten, he would make his mark on the entire world, and alter the way we view society on an everyday basis.

6 thoughts on “The Ideal Baby”

  1. When I clicked “Read the rest of this entry” I thought there was maybe a paragraph more… props.

  2. ‘way too bizarre……..’

    Hah, these are my thoughts.

    Another thought. Yesterday, I saw a fat lady riding on one of those store-owned Rascal scooters with the shopping basket at Fred Meyer. Clearly she could walk, because I watched her walk. Which got me thinking, what if there’s an actual handicapped person right now looking for a scooter that they can’t have because this fat tub of goo is using it instead? That’s not fair. And think about this. By riding around on that scooter, that fat lady is only getting fatter. It’s a slippery slope. Because of her increasing size, she’ll have a greater need for that scooter each time she shows up to shop at Fred’s. Which sucks, because she’s essentially MAKING herself handicapped. As opposed to actual handicaps, who have no control over their situation. Bitch.

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