In an effort to preserve the family atmosphere at Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners have announced that newly signed free agent Chone Figgins will have his first name censored in and around the ballpark.
“We strive to create an atmosphere that is appropriate for all ages at Safeco Field,” said a statement issued by the team. “Because of that, we will be referring to Mr. Figgins as ‘Joseph David Figgins’ during his tenure with the ballclub. We wanted to go with a nice, Biblical name that everyone would approve of.”
The team cited the spelling of Figgins’ first name as the reason for the change. Despite the fact that his name is pronounced “Shawn,” the confusing arrangement of letters often misleads people into pronouncing it as it looks, Chone.
Though they would not elaborate as to why they made the change, the name “Chone,” when incorrectly pronounced, sounds similar to an offensive term that is slang for genitalia. It is rumored that the team has an acute fear of anything that has to do with sex or the human reproductive system.
“I think it’s a fantastic decision by the team, and I applaud them for it,” said a fan from Bellevue. “In fact, I would like to suggest that they make more changes around the stadium to improve the family environment. The ambiguous genitalia on the Moose led my nine-year-old son to ask me how [the Moose] made babies. I couldn’t even begin to fathom an answer for him!”
Another fan issued a similar response: “I suggest they get rid of the foot-long hot dogs. Also, the Extreme Hat Trick is too extreme and I don’t like it. What was wrong with the plain old Hat Trick, anyways?” When asked if she knew about the Super Extreme Hat Trick the team debuted last season, the fan gasped and declared that she would be writing the front office a letter.
Though we could not reach anyone in the Mariners’ front office for comment, the most pressing issue regarding Figgins’ arrival was raised by a Kent man who had already set up a tent outside the team’s box office: “When’s Figgins bobblehead night, anyways?” Indeed.
*Editor’s Note: The above article is in no way true and reflects our warped view of reality through navy-and-teal colored glasses. It is a farce, a hoax, a piece of fiction, and is designed for your enjoyment. And also to illustrate in ridiculous fashion the Mariners’ need for a family-friendly atmosphere at Safeco Field. Thank you.