Fueled by a 16 oz. Red Bull and based off of suggestions for topics that you, our loyal readers, have sent our way, we have created this enormous monstrosity of an article weighing in on every single subject posed to us.
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In chronological order of submission, here we go…
Topic No. 1: UW Mexican Cultural Day, 2010
Ah, Mexican Cultural Day. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the University of Washington’s celebration of all things Mexico, it is an annual event that usually coincides with the arrival of the University of Oregon men’s basketball team in Seattle. This year, the event takes place on January 2, 2010 and will be held, as usual, at Hec Edmundson Pavilion on the campus of UW.
Of course, as we all know, the biggest proponent of Mexican Cultural Day is Oregon head basketball coach Ernie “Ernesto” Kent.
A longtime fan of Mexico, Kent really, really enjoys being included in the festivities every single year. In fact, if it wasn’t for him, Husky fans may very well have not taken time out once every 12 months to acknowledge our peaceful neighbors to the south. But thanks to Ernesto, we’ve been able to properly acknowledge our Hispanic brethren for all their wonderful contributions to our world.
Here is a list of ways that you can do your part to ensure that this year’s Mexican Cultural Day is the best one yet:
-Obtain a Mexican flag and bring it to the game.
-Wear a sombrero.
-Bring Taco Bell or Taco Time paraphernalia to the arena.
-Bring former Seattle Seahawk Taco Wallace to the game.
-Make a poster with a giant picture of a burrito on it.
-Bring a ball-in-a-cup.
-Learn as many Spanish phrases as you possibly can.
-Think of words that rhyme with “Tijuana.”
Those are just a few suggestions to help make Mexican Cultural Day 2010 a success. By doing your part, you’re helping support Mexico and the University of Washington!
Topic No. 2: Potential Apple Cup Hilarity
Remember last year’s Apple Cup? Dubbed as the Crapple Cup, the Huskies and Cougars entered the contest with a combined one (1) win.
This year’s matchup should be slightly more respectable in terms of wins and losses, but the competition might be slightly uneven. Washington is clearly light years better in 2009 than they were a year ago in the midst of an 0-12 campaign. Washington State, on the other hand, has actually regressed from their two-win 2008 season.
So what kind of hilarious moments should we look forward to on Saturday when these two teams take the field in their annual rivalry game? I’ve come up with 10 qualifiers:
1. The Cougars lose the services of their three active QBs (starter Kevin Lopina, backup Marshall Lobbestael, and third-stringer Daniel Wagner) and are forced to play fourth-string freshman David Gilbertson, son of former Huskies head coach Keith.
2. Cougar RB Dwight Tardy arrives late to the game.
3. Cougar freshman safety Casey Locker intercepts a pass from his cousin, Jake, then gets knocked out of the game when Jake tackles him on the play.
4. Cougar WR Randy Johnson has a reception broken up by a bird flying overhead that is hit by the football and explodes on contact.
5. Paul Wulff actually breaks down and cries.
6. Tyrone Willingham shows up. With Ryan Leaf.
7. The smoke machine erupts into flames.
8. Nick Holt tackles a Cougar player. Any Cougar player. Then stands over him and screams, “You got…JACKED UP!”
9. Casey Paus is announced as the Husky Legend.
10. Harry the Husky and Butch T. Coug engage in a spirited fistfight.
Topic No. 3: Jason Gesser’s Need For A Translator When He’s Broadcasting
Listening to Jason Gesser speak is akin to watching the movie Vanilla Sky. You know something is going on in front of you, you just don’t know what it is.
There are three important things to note about Jason Gesser before we dissect his issues:
1. He speaks English.
2. He talks about football.
3. He works for FSN.
These are facts. You cannot deny them. Let’s move on.
Gesser’s biggest problem is that he has trouble putting what we have to assume are coherent thoughts into spoken word. This is an error in the functioning of his brain, which I vaguely remember discussing in high school biology. His neurons aren’t firing correctly, or something like that. In broader terms, Gesser thinks something but can’t properly convey it to an audience vocally. So that’s one problem.
Next, you have the whole issue with the giggling. Gesser loves to giggle, and the fact that he giggles so much often interferes with his commentary. At any given time, a listener can be distracted by a Jason Gesser giggle. Once sidetracked by said giggle, it can be hard to rendezvous with Gesser’s already-jumbled line of reasoning.
Finally, you have to consider who he works for. As a commentator for FSN, the bar is set unusually low for Gesser to tiptoe over. I’m pretty sure the only requirements for FSN’s on-air personalities are a) pulse and b) voice. As far as I know, Gesser has both a pulse and a voice, hence he can do no wrong.
Instead of trying to fix Jason Gesser, we should simply accept him for who he is. And thus ridicule him mercilessly.
I’d also like to see someone crop and edit snippets of Gesser’s on-air commentary and turn it into a comedic montage. That would be nice.
Topic No. 4: The Next Seahawks GM
There’s a vicious rumor going around that current Seattle Seahawks GM Tim Ruskell may get fired this offseason. Also, 50 Cent and Marv Albert got in a fight, but that’s neither here nor there.
Let’s assume that Ruskell gets canned, as is to be expected. Who replaces him as head of the Seahawks everyday operations?
The popular choice is obviously Mike Holmgren. It would be nice to see Holmgren back in some capacity with the Seahawks, but I’m not so sure he’s the right fit as GM. Fans tend to forget that once upon time they ran Holmgren out of the GM post after a couple bad seasons on the job. The same fans also heralded Tim Ruskell as a genius at one point, so if anything we can assume that the fan base may be happy with the new hire, or they may not.
Outside of Holmgren, I couldn’t begin to tell you who the next GM will be. I’ve heard names like former Hawks GM Randy Mueller tossed around, but that’s purely speculative at this juncture. I’m not even willing to go there with a guess. At least not until Ruskell actually gets the ax.
If the Hawks do fire Ruskell, I think the club should employ a board of directors from amongst the fans to serve as a democratic voice alongside whoever gets hired as GM. This way, if the rest of the fan base rebels against the front office, the new GM can blame the fans for all the problems in the form of the democratic board of directors. The potential for fans blaming fans for the team’s struggles is one so unique in nature that it rivals Doc Brown’s explanation of the time continuum in Back to the Future as one of the more confusing things you have to try and wrap your head around.
Topic No. 5: Things The Mariners Need To Do In The Offseason
In list format:
-Re-sign Russell Branyan.
-Lock up Felix Hernandez long-term.
-Sign John Lackey.
-Find a starting third baseman not named Bill Hall or Jack Hannahan.
-Lower beer and ticket prices (wishful thinking, I know).
-Trade Jose Lopez.
-Replace Jose Lopez at second base with Bill Hall.
-Acquire Edwin Jackson.
-Acquire Curtis Granderson (Look, the fact is, if you toss these names around in print, fans are going to get excited).
-Determine if Brandon Morrow has a future with this team, and if so, what that future entails.
-Come up with a better giveaway for the 2010 season than bobblehead dolls.
-Create an even more extreme Hat Trick.
-Figure out what type of performance enhancers the red hydro is on.
-Replace the red hydro with a hydro that doesn’t cheat.
-Find the moose a female moose to hang out with.
-Decide who the starting catcher will be.
-Eliminate the sponsor first pitch.
-Let Ichiro try his hand at pitching in short relief.
-Bring Ron Fairly back to narrate game action over Safeco Field’s PA system (“In order to win this game, the Mariners will need to score more runs than their opposition.”).
Topic No. 6: East Coast Bias Regarding Pac-10 Basketball
The Pac-10 is down this year and there’s no getting around that. Of course, on the East Coast, the media can’t tell a down year in the Pac-10 from an up year, so what difference does it make, right?
If you watch ESPN or read USA TODAY on a semi-regular basis, you know that East Coast bias exists and that Pac-10 basketball takes the brunt of that prejudiced mindset.
An example: After winning their first three games of the season, the Huskies dropped one spot from 13th to 14th in the USA Today/ESPN Coaches’ Poll. No team beneath them in the rankings did anything to warrant leapfrogging Washington in the poll, and yet for some inexplicable the Huskies dropped.
Personally, I’d like an explanation on this. No, it’s not a big thing but it makes no sense at all. Had this been Connecticut winning three straight ballgames after initially being ranked No. 13, they would inevitably leap into the Top 10. But not Washington.
Furthermore, watching ESPN’s coverage of college basketball is like watching a rerun of Hannity and Colmes on Fox News. Here’s Hannity, the good-looking, empowered voice of the inherent majority. Now here’s Colmes, a timid, shrewish, poindexter who will win an argument over Hannity about the same time that Barry Bonds admits he shot up with Winstrol.
In the case of the ESPN analogy, every other broadcaster on the network is Hannity, and Steve Lavin is Colmes. Not to say that Lavin is timid, shrewish, or a poindexter, but he is very much the only pro-West Coast commentator on the entire station. Because of that, Lavin’s comments are often viewed as outlandish, goofy, or offbeat. He isn’t taken seriously as a broadcaster because he presents an opinion that conflicts with the opinions of all his colleagues, namely Jay Bilas, Andy Katz, and Dick Vitale.
Here are some questions we should ask ourselves when evaluating East Coast Bias:
-Why won’t ESPN hire another pro-West Coast commentator to complement Lavin?
-Why is Jay Bilas such an ass?
-Does Andy Katz have a soul?
-Is Dick Vitale still alive, or is he merely a corpse being puppeted by the network, not unlike Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s?
When we have the answers to these questions, the Pac-10 will finally start getting some love.
Bonus Topic: Allen Iverson’s Retirement
Does anyone care that Allen Iverson retired?
Better question: When was the last time Allen Iverson’s signature shoe was relevant?
Answers: No, and circa 2003.
Bonus Topic: The Irrelevance of Boise State Football, as exemplified by a blank space between this topic and the next one
Bonus Topic: The Six-Year-Old Football Player That Lays People Out
That’s it for our first Super Megapost! Hope you enjoyed it, and check back again to be a part of our next Super Megapost!