You’re a sports fan who loves Halloween. And let’s face it, how many of us don’t love Halloween?
As a kid, you get to dress up as your favorite superhero for an evening, then go take candy from every house in the neighborhood. Fantastic.
As an adult, you get to drink, party, and watch slutty chicks dress up in skimpy clothing and forgo all their inhibitions simply because they’re in costume. Also fantastic.
So how are you going to make this Halloween the very best Halloween?
Answer: By dressing up in one of these 11 unique sports-related ensembles. Because you can only be a hobo for so long before it gets old.
On to the list.
11. Lance Armstrong’s last sperm
I’ve been pondering this costume idea for a number of years now. It’s a low-cost, low-maintenance outfit that really only requires toilet paper and a quick wit.
You wrap yourself up in Charmin from head to toe, put on a Livestrong band, and proceed to your destination on a Schwinn.
Once you arrive, you prepare to dispel any rumors that you’re dressed as a mummy by keeping your bicycle helmet on all night.
It’s as simple as that.
People will question your attire, and some might even be offended by the premise of your get-up. But hey, if you can’t laugh about a guy who is sans testicles, then what can you laugh about?
And frankly, this wouldn’t be nearly as hilarious if Lance Armstrong hadn’t become a bit of a d-bag over the years. The man has done a lot of good in this world, but he’s also participated in his share of wrongdoing. He left his ex-wife under questionable circumstances, and he cheated on Sheryl Crowe.
Look dude, just because you’re impotent doesn’t mean you can bounce from woman to woman screwing whoever you want to. You might not get anyone pregnant, but you could end up catching the herpes. And then what? You gonna go around wearing a red wristband for your new cause? I’m not so sure people will fall in love with this disease the way they did with the first one. Just sayin’.
10. WNBA player
Pick any WNBA team.
Any WNBA player.
Dress up in full garb, including the shorts.
Your costume is sure to get laughs.
Unless you’re a lesbo, that is. Then you’ll probably get hugs and girl high-fives. You know what I’m talking about. The kind of high-five that starts armpit high, then elevates above the head at the point of contact. That high-five.
9. Sean Salisbury’s penis
This one might be tougher to pull off than most costumes, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.
What it requires is a flesh-colored pantsuit, a flesh-colored salad bowl, and a camera phone.
Dress yourself in the flesh-colored pantsuit, the more tightly fitting the better. I recommend checking Value Village or a similar second-hand store for the requisite attire.
Next, using a Sharpie, draw a small black circle on the bottom of your flesh-colored bowl. This is effectively the peehole of your outfit. Fun fact: The peehole is often referred to as a “yinkus.” Don’t ask me how I know this or if it’s spelled correctly. But it’s true.
Anyways, after you draw the yinkus, flip the bowl over and place it on your head. You now have your penis head.
Finally, grab a cell phone with a camera and carouse the party scene while simultaneously snapping photos with as many people as you can throughout the night. The key here is that these must be cell phone pictures. Regular camera pictures are not acceptable.
When the night is through and your buzz still intact, picture message all the people in your phone with your photos from the evening and a cute little remark like, “Want to see my two-minute drill? :)”
8. Pac-10 official
Every sports fan thinks their officials are the worst. Pac-10 fans are the only ones who are right.
If you haven’t been victimized by a Pac-10 officiating crew — be it in football or basketball — then you haven’t lived.
These guys are notorious for blowing games and showing up the game in the process. They live for the spotlight and this is your one chance to give it to them.
First off, you’ll need to raid the back room of Foot Locker and get your costume. Once you have the striped shirt in hand, find some grey or black slacks to complete the ensemble and you’re set.
If you want to get creative with the whole thing, buy some cataracts glasses (the big, boxy ones that cover half your face) and have a stash of dollar bills hanging out of all your pockets. Practice an emphatic blocking foul call (really get the hips into it), learn how to twirl your arms at a high velocity (signals false start or traveling), and then go ruin everyone’s night at the party. Once everyone hates you, you’ve accomplished your mission. Now you’re a bona fide Pac-10 official!
7. Anthony Gonzalez
If you’re going to pull this costume off, you either have to be bald to begin with or very willing to shave your head clean. We’re talking Brazilian wax clean.
On top of that, you’re going to need an Anthony Gonzalez jersey (naturally), and if you have an aversion to falling, you might want to get some kneepads.
All you really need to do to make the costume work is fall at all random times during the evening, then have a friend carry you off into another room while you hobble on one leg.
For instance, let’s say you’re enjoying an adult beverage and talking to a girl about the latest episode of The Office.
“Oh my God, right?! I mean, we’ve waited this long for Jim and Pam to get together, what’s another season or two?” That’s when you fall. Just out of the blue. You hit the deck with authority.
You drop your beverage in the process. Beer is everywhere. People are looking at you as you grab your knee and whimper like a little girl on the verge of a tantrum.
The lady you were just talking to asks if your okay, but you don’t respond. You simply writhe in mock pain on the floor until your designated buddy walks into the room, slings you over his shoulder, says “Come on, dude, you’ll be okay,” and drags you off to another corner of the party. This behavior continues throughout the night.
The next day, you log onto your Twitter account and declare yourself inactive for 2-6 weeks or whenever you get the sand out of your crack, whichever comes last.
6. Sideline reporter
Here’s a good one for the ladies. All you have to do is look cute, carry a makeshift microphone, and wander around the room asking people questions that no one really cares to hear the answers to.
If you’re not fellating someone by the end of the night, you’re doing it wrong. You need to incorporate the feistiness of Pam Oliver with the investigative reporting of Suzy Kolber and sex appeal of Lisa Guerrero mixed with Erin Andrews. It’s asking a lot, I know, but you can do it. Shoot for the moon.
5. Tyler Hansbrough, the actor
Forget Psycho T, the basketball player. He’s old news. If you want to be a hit at your party you need to come dressed as Mr. Tyler Hansbrough, professional thespian.
The outfit is far from complex: Carolina blue t-shirt, jeans, live puppy, glazed look in your eye. If you can find a young African American girl with pigtails to accompany you, you get extra credit.
Completing the image is a cell phone with full texting capabilities. You must also be able to send and receive text messages with the intense ferocity of a machine gunner in the midst of a million-man firefight. Text as if your effing life depended on it. As if the sun will not rise tomorrow unless you get that last “LOL” in there before hitting send.
Before the night is over, make sure someone takes a photo of you sitting on the front porch looking like you just accomplished something amazing, when in reality all you did was text all day and play a little ball during the down time.
4. Caster Semenya
It’s almost too easy. Well, at least until you factor in the ambiguous genitalia. That can be tough to manage.
For the sake of health and well-being, there’s no need to go under the knife to make this get-up work.
If you’re a guy, simply tuck away the ol’ sausage and eggs for the evening. Duct tape, a tight-fitting jock strap, or even saran wrap should do the trick.
For the ladies, put a balled up sock in your shorts and strut around with the type of laissez-faire attitude that says, “I know I have a penis. But you don’t know I have a penis. And that’s all that really matters.”
You’ll also need a spandex track suit and South African paraphernalia of some sort to distinguish yourself from all the other hermaphrodite athletes out there.
From here, you’ll want to paint your nails, put on some jewelry and speak in a deep baritone while you cozy up to both men and women throughout the evening. You’re not picky, so go get ’em, tiger.
3. Plaxico Burress
This one is gonna get overplayed ridiculously this Halloween, but what the hell, go for it anyways.
It doesn’t really matter what you wear, so long as you tuck a loosely-holstered gun in your waistband (I recommend a plastic toy gun, but if you’re feeling ballsy go ahead and try the real thing) and have copious amounts of fake blood stained on your pantleg. If your friends are a little slow to catch on, you might want to invest in a replica jersey, but by no means is it necessary.
The Plaxico get-up is likely going to become a staple of costume parties for years to come, if not millenia. Consider it the remix of the hatchet-in-the-head look, only with a little more flavor.
2. Rush Limbaugh, minority owner
This, of course, takes on any number of different connotations, none more relevant than Rush’s desired part-ownership of an NFL franchise. You’re take on the title, however, might differ slightly.
Anyways, the outspoken radio host is a hot topic in the world of sports right now, and you happen to love topical Halloween costumes. Perfect. This outfit is for you, then.
You’re going to need a suit, so if you don’t have one, be prepared to drop a few dimes.
Subsequently, you’ll also need grey hair dye and a cigar. My guess is Rush only smokes Cubans, so you best get on your horse and make that happen.
Finally, in order to tie it all together, you’re going to need to practice your ignorance all night. I mean, really. If you don’t think ignorant, if you don’t live ignorant, then you cannot be ignorant. A passive, tolerant Rush is hardly a Rush at all.
If you want to go the extra mile, bring along a friend in a Donovan McNabb jersey with a knife in his back. That should really set the tone.
1. Ceremonial first pitch Barack Obama
I guarantee that you will see a lot of people dressed up as Barack Obama this Halloween. At every party, you’ll find some doofus in a suit with a nice tan and short black hair thinking he’s the only guy out there that was smart enough to pose as the president. Whatever, dude.
You can one-up all the other fake Baracks out there by masquerading as the ceremonial first pitch version of our commander-in-chief.
The outfit is simple and can be achieved by anyone. All it requires is blue jeans, a Chicago White Sox jersey, a casual ChiSox cap that doesn’t look quite right with the rest of the outfit, and tennis shoes.
After properly attiring yourself, you need simply to work the room with a baseball in your left hand and perform the occasional pause, stretch, and limp-wristed flinging of the ball down a hallway. Retrieve your baseball and repeat.
For bonus points, give a small fist pump after each toss of your baseball. Like you’re Tiger Woods and you just sunk a clutch birdie on the front nine. If you find yourself going back-nine Tiger with your first pump, you’ve gone too far. Pull it back a bit.